Why can't I be numb again?

People can say what they want. He's an asshole. A jerk. I deserve better. I know all these things. I also know from the day I met him I was happier than I'd been in years. It shouldn't take a man to encourage these things in my life, but from the day he entered my world I changed. I woke up early looking forward to the day. I was motivated and started taking care of my house and the things in my life. I won't lie, I wasn't in love with him. I didn't know him enough to say that. But I loved him. And I knew he was someone I could and would fall in love with someday soon. For the most part I'm okay now. I get through my days with only a few random thoughts on what happened, where he is, and if any of it was real. I still don't feel like it was a game, and that's not just me being hopeful or gullible, it's still my stupid gut. But then there are nights like tonight. Where I'm laying in bed, lights out, getting ready to drift off to sleep...and I start crying uncontrollably. Yup, as I write this I'm basically sobbing. I hate that he has this much power over me. It's been three weeks since I've seen him and as mad and hurt and destroyed as I am in this moment I want nothing more than for him to knock on my door and explain it all away with his perfect excuses and hold me and wipe away my tears.

What the Eff??

So I just checked my email, like, two seconds ago and get this - I have a new friend request on facebook. From my high school boyfriend. Umm...no thanks dude. He contacted me about 3 years ago through myspace, apologized for everything he'd done to me and let me know that he was clean, sober, and a serious christian now. He sent me a friend request through there and I told him that while I accepted his apology and was glad he was doing good that he was a part of my past and I really wasn't interested in having that part of my life back. So wtf? Why is he sending me a request on facebook now?? Even just looking at his fb page my heart started racing - and not in a good way. See, our relationship was a very...tumultuous one. As my first relationship it definitely set some sort of level for what I expect/accept/whatever in my love life. We probably broke up and got back together at least 20 times during the two and a half years we were together. There was constant drama. He cheated on me with my best friend. I stayed another year after I found out. We took a "break" before I decided it was time to actually break up but at that point he was so far into crank I couldn't even understand him or what he was doing. Which is probably why he sort of started stalking me. He would call me begging me to go see him, to talk to him. I always refused but would be destroyed for about a week and then start to heal and then after another week or two he'd call again and it would start all over. Whenever I picked up the phone and heard his voice I'd start panicking. He isn't exactly someone that I would consider a healthy relationship for me - even as a friendship.

So, am I a bitch for ignoring his friend request? Am I required to send him a message that says thanks, but no thanks? Honestly, I want no contact with him whatsoever. Unless, that is, he wants to give me the $3,000 he owes me...

Fall!

Brrr! It went from sunshine and 80 degrees to stormy and lower than 60 pretty darn quick around here! I'm almost tempted to turn on the heat, though I think I'm going to try and make it awhile longer without. The hard thing is that with the units on each side of me empty I'm not getting the insulation type of heat that I normally did from them last fall. I know I was saying just last week that I was ready for fall to be here so I could break out my boots and sweaters and corduroy, but now looking at my wardrobe I need to do a little shopping to have more warm clothes! I think last year at this time I was still a size or so bigger than I am now so I don't have a lot left for the fall/winter season. And then there's the things that I've had *too* long that are starting to look more than a little worn... Here's hoping for a good sale at Old Navy...though I should probably check to see what the Rack has since I've got a $20 Nordy Note that's been sitting around.

*************

And special thanks to sissy for making it so people can actually comment on my bloggy! Now I'll start writing more again since people can now say something about it!

Hibernation...

OMG, I feel like a sleepy bear! Last night I somehow stayed up until 2:30 in the morning. I woke up at 6:08 wondering what the hell that noise was - turns out the sky was *dumping* rain. I went back to sleep and didn't wake up again until, get this, 4:30. At night. Like I basically slept 14 hours straight, but I still felt tired. Then, after I watched "Psych" on demand I fell asleep on the couch - for an hour and a half!!! Now I feel super-energized and motivated. I know I've been uber stressed at work for the past couple weeks and of course the last week of boy-trouble hasn't helped. I guess having a day where I could actually sleep for as long as I could was just what this lil bear needed! Now, I'm just worried about being able to go to sleep tonight and wake up for work in the morning...

Grrr...

How come the stupid comments part doesn't work on my bloggy?? This is frustrating!

A few days...

and still hurt. I haven't seen or heard from him in a week and a half. I'm done for now. I can't try to make a relationship with someone who apparently isn't able to include *me* with the things that are important in his life. Honestly, I think he forgot. I seriously think that he actually forgot that we had plans for Wednesday. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. On the one hand it means that he didn't intentionally stand me up, on the other hand I'd been looking forward to it for a week and that would mean he had never given it a second thought. And if he did forget there is the slight explanation that we made plans on the 2nd - he then went on vacation for 4 days, has a lot going on with his family (mom, ex-wife, daughter, etc.) and a huge project at work that'd been keeping him there for 10 hour days. We didn't see or talk to each other between the time we made the plans and the actual night of the "date"...so I can kinda-sorta-maybe see how a guy with a lot on his mind might forget without a reminder. *However* this is all the more reason for him to get a goddam fucking phone and even if he forgot that night, he should've remembered by now since he hasn't seen me since the 2nd!

I'm giving him absolutely no excuse for not showing up or not calling me on Wednesday, however the rest of what's gone on between us has blame on both sides. He said we needed to start over and take it slower and be friends and I wasn't happy with that and kept pushing for more. Yes, he would randomly show up on my doorstep - but half the time I jumped on him so it wasn't just him showing up to get laid. He was actually even the one who said we should *stop* sleeping together. But being a girl, sex gets me more emotionally involved...I just didn't stop to realize that guys don't really work the same way. I didn't want to stop or slow down either because I was freaked out about the fact that I had slept with him. Here's my dirty little secret - before him, I'd never slept with someone I wasn't in love with. Yes, I'm old fashioned. Yes, I'm a bit naive. But it really messed with my head that I could've slept with someone and then had it turn into nothing so I was desperate to make it something significant as quickly as possible.

I'm not saying he deserves or will get a second chance. I won't know that until I see him next and find out what he thinks happened. He'd have to do a lot to earn my trust again...which brings up another problem. Since I'm such an open book about everything in my life with my friends, they now all pretty much hate him. So, if by some crazy chance we do end up giving it another shot I'm not sure if anyone will really be accepting of it or if they'll all just think I'm lame and he's an asshole.

~*pissed*~

I can't believe he stood me up. I mean, yes, it's been a week since I've seen/spoken to him. But we made plans - I was pretty fucking clear. "Next Wednesday you're coming over after work and we're hanging out." No excuse. Even if for some reason he got off work uber-late or had to take care of his mom from the chemo or something...fucking give in and call me and do the decent thing to let me know. Sadly, this doesn't take my feelings completely off the table. I still of course really like him and care about him, I'm just pissed and my feelings are hurt. All I can say is hopefully I'll see him tomorrow so I can tell him what he did and find out wtf happened.