Why can't I be numb again?

People can say what they want. He's an asshole. A jerk. I deserve better. I know all these things. I also know from the day I met him I was happier than I'd been in years. It shouldn't take a man to encourage these things in my life, but from the day he entered my world I changed. I woke up early looking forward to the day. I was motivated and started taking care of my house and the things in my life. I won't lie, I wasn't in love with him. I didn't know him enough to say that. But I loved him. And I knew he was someone I could and would fall in love with someday soon. For the most part I'm okay now. I get through my days with only a few random thoughts on what happened, where he is, and if any of it was real. I still don't feel like it was a game, and that's not just me being hopeful or gullible, it's still my stupid gut. But then there are nights like tonight. Where I'm laying in bed, lights out, getting ready to drift off to sleep...and I start crying uncontrollably. Yup, as I write this I'm basically sobbing. I hate that he has this much power over me. It's been three weeks since I've seen him and as mad and hurt and destroyed as I am in this moment I want nothing more than for him to knock on my door and explain it all away with his perfect excuses and hold me and wipe away my tears.