All the Difference in the World

It's almost a little amazing how much better I feel now that I know. My mind is clear, my smile isn't forced, I feel better than I have in months...and all practically overnight.

Sunday *the boy* mysteriously showed up on my doorstep. Over four months since he moved to California, and I hadn't heard a word from him in all that time. I was telling him that he had no idea how much he'd hurt and destroyed me during that time...he was looking pretty upset himself and said "You don't know how I feel". I just said "So tell me, you've never told me" and he said those three words I'd been longing to hear and wondering if he felt for so long. He was only in town until that night when he had to leave to drive back to San Diego. We made plans for him to come over after he was done packing - supposed to be around 5 or 6 that night.

After he left I cried. Hard. I had no idea what to do or what it all meant. I'd spent the last four months missing him so much and so very in love with a ghost. Every night when I got home I'd look to see if his car was there. Any time I heard someone coming up the stairs my heart would skip a beat and I'd hold my breath waiting to hear the persistent knocking that was his signature.

But, as per usual, he never came back Sunday night. Just hours before he'd said that he loved me, and then didn't bother to show up. But here's the weird thing, I didn't even cry. I didn't cry because this is exactly what I needed - it gave me the closure I'd desperately been seeking since he left. I believe him that he loves me, in the way that he is able. But I now know that he isn't capable of being there for me the way that I need. Previously I could always give him the excuse that his mom had just passed away so he was distraught, that he was on drugs so couldn't be expected to function properly...but this time there was no excuse to give for not showing up. He just didn't do it.

Monday morning I woke up with a smile on my face. In the back of my mind a little part of me wonders if the shit is gonna hit the fan, but not yet it seems. I think I just needed to hear those three words, to know that he does care and love me and it was all real. And to know that there was just no way for it to work out, I no longer have to wonder "what if?"...