Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Unfortunately it takes something like this...

to get me writing again!

Lately with the sudden rash of teenage suicides in the news I have been feeling a pull to get more involved in the AFSP or TWLOHA. Pretty much anyone who knows me knows that I have suffered from depression and suicidal tendencies since the age of 12 or so. Well, I'm about to confess to something that only 4 people know about. I never even told any of my numerous shrinks that I've had over the years. Heck, my sister who is pretty much the only person that reads this doesn't even know. (Sorry sissy!)

For years I cut myself.

It wasn't an every day thing. It wasn't even an every month thing. It was a way of relief when I was so stressed out and the anxiety was too overwhelming. It was something I had control over, and somehow it helped me get through. I want to be perfectly clear that this was not a drastic I need to see my insides and see the blood to know I'm alive type of thing. Quite frankly I'm pretty squeamish when it comes to blood and pain so I would go as lightly as I could stand and still get the release of having control. I'm happy to say that I've been able to fight off the urge and am not currently using this as a means of comfort during hard times. I want to be strong and to be a good role model for my niece and nephew. And I want to help other kids.

I'm not really sure how to do this, it's going to take a bit of research. I don't have the psychological background that most places require for you to actually talk to kids in need even though that's what I feel I might be best at. I want them to see that you can make it through and live a (relatively) normal life. That being "crazy" doesn't make you less of a person, it might just make you more interesting.

Part of what prompted this blog is what happened tonight. Tonight I reposted my personal ad on craigslist. Still not thinking I'll find much, but who knows. The first time the only hate email I got just told me I was fat. Duh, I already know this - you're not telling me anything new. And besides, I got multiple emails telling me how great my boobs looked and only one saying I was fat lol. The hate email that I received tonight was on a much more dangerous level. It read simply:

Go kill ur self. one less fat girl in this state. You people make me sick.

Well, Carl was dumb enough to use his real email address. I'm guessing this may be the reason he only has 8 facebook friends. And of course, I reported him to yahoo for abuse.

To be honest, during the first half-second after I read that I wanted nothing more than to make the pain go away. But I know better. I know that Carl is dumb. I know that my last boyfriend S. couldn't get enough of me. That even if he didn't turn out to be LTR material, he thought I was beautiful and sexy and remembering that gives me more confidence at this size. Of course I'd like to be thinner, for multiple reasons, but I don't think that losing weight should be a prerequisite to finding a boyfriend.

Basically I suppose, to sum it up - I feel stronger where I am now, even if I don't fit in with the social norms. I want everyone to know I'm okay, and I want to help everyone who isn't.