tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71900028616197900792024-02-18T18:44:47.963-08:00a twinkle of starlightjust a public diary and a place to post my poetry and other writing...starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.comBlogger71125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-82293794031426329742011-09-17T23:48:00.001-07:002011-09-18T00:16:02.044-07:00Bleh.I don't know what's with me today. I'm depressed, tired, feeling all around blah. Maybe it's stress from work because we have our Planning Meetings next week. Maybe it's exhaustion from working too much. There were a lot of long days this past week to get caught up after being on vacation. It's probably just a mixture of it all. Either way I basically slept the entire day today. I went to bed at 10pm Friday night which is at least 2 hours earlier than I normally would have. I woke up at 9:30, went online for a bit, and then went back to bed. I got up again at 5:30, and likely only because my sissy sent me a text message and the chime woke me up. This time I managed to stay awake for an hour and a half before I climbed back upstairs and got in bed. I woke up at 10:30 and debated for a few minutes whether I should just roll over and go back to sleep or actually get up. But I was thirsty, needed to take my meds, and should probably eat something so up I am. But now that I've completed those tasks I feel like I want to get back under the covers. I have so much that needs to get done in life and no energy on the weekends to do it. I think it may be time to cut back on my weekend working. Which is sad to me, I've worked there for 10 years and not seeing them every week would be a big change. But, the other girl I work with is interested in taking on more hours and more responsibilities so it is kind of perfect timing. Perhaps I should just make sure to schedule off one Sunday a month leading up to holiday time. Holiday is usually too busy of a time for taking days off so I'll have to play that by ear. However, once February comes around it tends to slow down again so I could start having weekends again. Only having one day off a week tends to make parts of my life fall apart. I don't want to clean or run errands after work which leaves everything to Saturday. But it's my one day off so I want to relax and not have responsibilities...which just makes everything pile up until it's incomprehensible where to start and how to get it all done. I've been trying to take more time for me, but it's not working out so well. The best I've done at that was to actually take vacation from work which while it doesn't sound like much is actually a huge deal. I never used to take more than a day or two off unless it was Christmas and I took a full week off in May and again in September.<br /><br />*yawn*<br /><br />I think I'm done writing now. Time for bed.starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-36451636780327150022011-09-02T09:00:00.000-07:002011-09-02T09:09:25.179-07:00Becoming a New MeFor pretty much all my life I’ve been “the creative one”. I’ve never been athletic or outdoorsy. I can remember in elementary school I was (for some unknown reason) on the track team. My one event was the softball throw - the kiddo version of the shot-put. At a district meet, after I threw my softball one of the coaches tried to take me over to where they were running the relay race. The team was short a kid and they wanted me to take the place even though I‘d never run a relay before. I instantly burst into tears and ran off the field to my mom.
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<br />On the other hand, my sister has always been athletic. She ran track and cross country all through school, and in her twenties started doing kung fu and quickly worked her way up the belts. She’s two years older than me, so my sophomore year of high school was her senior year. Apparently her coaches were under the impression that I would be coming in as her replacement. The first time I saw one of them I was greeted with the comment “So, Little J! Are you ready for the season?!?” Yeah, not so much. For me the only reason to run is if someone is chasing me.
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<br />That doesn’t mean I refuse to get up and move. I enjoy doing charity walks which are usually a 5K or 3K, and in 2008 I even walked 17 miles through Seattle for the AFSP Out of the Darkness Overnight. I started doing water aerobics a couple years ago and while there have been periods of time where I stopped it is something I really like.
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<br />Back in January I broke my foot which led to 3 and a half months without walking, and 8 months after the accident I’m still in recovery. I think those 3 and a half months of not being able to move on my own triggered a need for action. Like not being able to do anything is making me want to do <em>everything</em>. Actually, it was probably that plus turning 30! Now I’m excited to get up and work out and just plain <strong>do something</strong>! Not to say I’ll ever be a runner, somehow I don’t think I’d ever find that enjoyable. Plus, with "the girls" I’m likely to give myself a black eye! But I’m wanting to try all sorts of new things. I’ve started back up with water aerobics twice a week and trying to work out at home at least twice a week…but I want more. I want to try kayaking. I want to hike, and camp, and learn how to really swim. And, the reason I want to learn how to swim is because I want to surf. I don't see myself jumping into the frigid waters off Washington, but I hope that someday I'll actually make it to Hawaii and I'll be sure to find some big kahuna to teach me :) The idea of rock climbing intrigues me. Not on a mountain, on a wall. But quite frankly my fear of falling will probably stop that one from happening. I want to go horseback riding. Hot yoga is probably next on my list. And while that sounds the easiest and most relaxing it might be the one I’m most nervous about! I hear all the horror stories of fainting and vomiting and that just does not sound very appealing to me! But then I hear from friends that love it and are addicted to the cleansing feeling they get afterwards and it gets me excited to try it.
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<br />I’ve questioned myself if any of this new attitude has to do with the guy I’m crushing on who is Mr. Outdoor Activity, but I honestly think it doesn’t. I’ve never really been the kind of girl to absorb into a guy and take on his hobbies. R, my high school boyfriend, was a huge skateboarder - I tried once, fell on my ass, and was content to spend the rest of the time sitting on the sidewalk watching. H, who I was with from 18-24, spent nearly every weekend in the summers out at La Push surfing, and I never went once. He was in a dart league (not that that’s very athletic…) and I didn’t go to a single match. Wow, with H I kinda sound like a bitchy girlfriend. But while I had no interest in it, I was never really invited either.
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<br />So, here I am - 30, single, and full of a feeling of adventure! Wish me luck on my journey...
<br />starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-22387832864596657752011-07-24T01:04:00.000-07:002011-07-24T01:33:06.082-07:00Did I wait too long?I know that it's never too late to make a change or start over, but what if you waited so long that you end up missing out?<br /><br />I've been working really hard lately at turning my life around - eating better, exercising, and even just taking more time for *me*. I'm mainly doing this all for myself of course, but the fact that the guy I'm hugely crushing on is all athletic definitely helps with the motivation.<br /><br />I've never had a lot of self-confidence when it comes to my looks. I know I'm smart, funny, nice and generally I think I'm a pretty awesome person...but even when I was skinny I thought poorly about myself in the looks department. I don't really recall anyone ever saying anything to me or making comments that made me become self concious about it - which could be considered odd since my mother is now obsessed with weight. I don't blame anyone for my poor self image, it was admittedly a little hard having an older sister who was several sizes smaller than me. She'd be a size 1 or 3 and I was a 9 - there were no hand me downs once we got older. But no one ever said anything to me about it, it was just something I recognized and wondered why I didn't have that build.<br /><br />I feel a little ridiculous now thinking that 100lbs ago I thought I was fat. I can't pinpoint exactly how I got to where I am today. I know part of it was various prescriptions, part was emotional eating, part was just plain not taking care of myself and scarfing fast food instead of cooking. Admittedly there was a time when I purposely tried to gain weight - when I was with H he'd admitted to me that if I got fat he'd probably break up with me. When I wanted the relationship to end but wasn't sure if I could do it I tried to figure out how to get him to break up with me. That didn't work though, I just got fat and so did he and eventually I had to be the one to call it quits.<br /><br />Now, I'm worried. I know that with this guy I feel so comfortable talking with him, we have a decent amount in common (movies, music, etc.), and I know I'm smart enough, funny enough, nice enough, etc...but I feel that physically I'm not good enough for him. He of course has not said or done anything to give that impression, it's just me. I'm sure he has some clue that I like him, I feel like I'm getting a vibe from him but I just don't know what to do. If I'd shaped up my act years ago and lost the weight, would I still be as worried about all this now? And what if I was me, but skinny, he'd be more in to me than he is now? I know he should like me for who I am on the inside blah blah blah but you have to be physically attracted to someone too and I guess I just find it hard to believe that someone as active as him could be attracted to someone like me.<br /><br />I suppose all I can do for the next month is keep up with the good work, be sweet charming me at my appointments, and hope that when I'm done I either get the courage to ask him out or we somehow make plans for a social setting.starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-12191990422815876722011-06-15T00:06:00.000-07:002011-06-15T00:33:52.129-07:00One week down!So I've completed my first week back on Weight Watchers and already lost 5 pounds! I haven't even been counting points yet - just eating better/less and working out more. They have a new way of calculating points and I haven't really taken the time to learn it yet. You used to be able to have a little handheld slider thing that automatically calculated the points. Now you either have to log on to the website or buy one of their fancy electronic calculators to do it and, of course, my meeting was sold out of the calculators. I need the convenience of being able to have it with me always instead of looking things up online all the time. I even had two minor set backs in working out this week. On Tuesday I don't know what we did in my physical therapy but after I got back to work my lower back was completely out of whack until Wednesday night. Then on Thursday night I twisted my already injured ankle while walking on some uneven pavement so didn't want to risk hurting it more.<br /><br />Now, on the umm...romantic potential in my life. I'm *so* nervous about seeing him tomorrow! This is ridiculous! I've seen him once or twice a week for over 2 months. Of course, everything changed last week when I <em>think</em> he asked me out. Still don't know whether it's friendly or date-ly but it would still be a social interaction for us vs what we've been doing. Blech. I'm full on twitterpated. I know how I want to bring the subject back up and fix the mess I made by not instantly saying yes, but I'm worried I'll get all tongue tied and it'll come out wrong and make a fool of myself. But really, how hard is it to say "Oh that Decemberists show is on August 22nd, and I was thinking - who cares that it's on a Monday we should totally go". Seriously. It's not hard. But I still have this weird feeling of, like, why would a guy who's incredibly athletic and in shape be interested in a girl who is...not. On the one hand I can see that there might not have been an instant attraction but that after spending time together and getting to know each other something has grown. I mean, we do spend most of my sessions talking while I'm working out and we have the same taste in music and a lot in common and he is *so* easy to talk to, the conversation just flows. We've even talked about how it's kinda hard being 30 and single - and he specifically mentioned not having the house with the white picket fence and everything he thought he'd have by now. I also need to keep reminding myself that S was pretty athletic and was apparently more interested in me physically than emotionally. I need to have confidence in myself. I brought up the concert as more informational since he'd mentioned they're one of his favorite bands, but <em>he</em> asked <em>me</em> if I wanted to go. I think I just don't want to be all twitterpated and then be heartbroken before anything even starts. Wish me luck :)starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-28699684319861528272011-06-06T22:05:00.000-07:002011-06-06T22:31:02.067-07:00Tomorrow is a new dayAnd it's a new start. Tomorrow I sign up for Weight Watchers all over again. Last time (which was about 2 years ago) I lost 25 pounds pretty quickly, but I hit my plateau right before Christmas. I took a "little break" for the holidays and never went back. Now here I am with those 25 pounds back and another 15 or so on top of that.<br /><br />Today was my last hurrah and I probably shouldn't have gone as far as I did because quite frankly I feel a little sick. Not to say that I went on a binge or anything, just ate some things that are "bad" for me and I won't be able to have anymore.<br /><br />I'm allowed to start some small amounts of cardio - I can start by doing 10 minutes a day on the elliptical machine. If I can do that for a week without my foot and leg hurting then I can up it to 15 minutes a day for a week and so on and so on adding 5 minutes each week. I also have about 30 minutes of stretching and strengthening exercises that I need to do every night for my ankle/calf. I want to be stronger and healthier.<br /><br />I also want to call and make an appointment with an endocrinologist to be tested for <a href="http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/cushings-syndrome-symptoms">Cushing's</a>. It may be a long shot that so many of my health issues are caused by one thing, but wouldn't that be fabulous to have an answer!<br /><br />Symptoms/signs of Cushing's are:<br /><br /><ul><br /><li>Weak Muscles</li><br /><li><strong><em>Weight gain in face, waistline, and back of neck/upper back</em></strong></li><br /><li><strong><em>Acne</em></strong></li><br /><li><strong><em>Dark stretch marks on stomach</em></strong></li><br /><li><strong><em>Anxiety/depression</em></strong></li><br /><li><strong><em>Backaches</em></strong></li><br /><li>Loss of muscle tone</li><br /><li><strong><em>Irregular menstrual periods</em></strong></li><br /><li>Abnormal hair growth</li><br /><li><strong><em>Sleep issues</em></strong></li><br /><li><strong><em>High blood pressure</em></strong>/blood sugar</li></ul><br /><p>The symptoms that are bold/italic are ones that I have. Now, obviously these could all be attributed to something else but what if there really is <em>one answer</em>? What if there is one thing that is making all of these worse for me? Part of me is scared to get tested because if it is Cushing's that means surgery, if it's not Cushing's then I don't have the possibility of a magic answer. But I guess no magic answer leaves me right where I am now so what am I waiting for?</p>starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-9551093026472395032010-11-23T21:20:00.000-08:002010-11-23T21:34:12.757-08:00Super Lameness!Of course a frickin snow storm came in last night. Ruined my day.<br /><br />No, I didn't lose my power or wreck my car or have some horrible weather related incident.<br /><br />But I did meet what seemed to be a pretty awesome guy on the bus on the way in to work Monday morning. And that cute, charming guy wanted to meet me outside my work at 7pm. And then there was a flipping blizzard.<br /><br />I know his first name and what area he lives in. He knows my name and what building I work in. We didn't exchange phone numbers.<br /><br />I stayed at work until 7 and walked outside into the snowpocalypse. I looked around, but as I expected, he was nowhere to be seen. I was lucky enough that when I got to my bus stop the 510 was right there waiting for me - as it apparently had been for almost an hour!<br /><br />So, today I posted ads in Missed Connections and I Saw U. Maybe since he knows where I work and what time I usually get off he'll just magically show up some day next week...hopefully. The conversation was easy, and most importantly there was the little hint of a spark from the moment I sat down next to him. Too bad I didn't meet him on the way home - after a 5 hour bus ride we'd have probably known *everything* about each other!starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-52002695191028948132010-11-16T22:52:00.000-08:002010-11-16T23:06:17.278-08:00Meh.So I had my first date with the guy tonight. He doesn't even get a good nickname like every other guy I've had even only one date with. Mainly because he was boring.<br /><br />He was nice enough, and there weren't really any lulls in the conversation...there just wasn't any chemistry on my side. There was no spark. He was very...plain. He had a pretty bad comb-forward (as in back to front instead of across). He was clearly at least 3" shorter than he said he was. Which, frankly, is really effing annoying. I honestly don't care how tall a guy is - my high school boyfriend was several inches shorter than me. But don't tell me that you're 6'1" and then think I won't be able to figure out you're really 5'11". I'm 5'7" and I was taller than you and I sure as hell wasn't wearing 7" heels!<br /><br />There were a few points in the conversation where I just realized we were from two different places. At one point I mentioned a guy I know and his partner. He interrupted me and said "Business partner or...partner..............partner?" You could tell he was pretty uncomfortable with a partner partner situation. He also talked about politics and that his only problems with politicians are with their moral issues. Like, the things that bothered him the most about George W. was that he did coke and didn't serve his National Guard time. I'm sorry, but there are a helluva lot more things that went wrong with that administration!<br /><br />He also doesn't like to dress up for Halloween. Thinks more women should wear miniskirts in Seattle. Has <strong>never</strong> been inside a Starbucks.<br /><br />I just felt like we came from two different worlds - he'd make a nice friend but definitely not boyfriend material.starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-79355680463313915832010-11-15T22:11:00.000-08:002010-11-15T22:29:18.524-08:00Cold!Well this is going to be a short blog tonight because there is a Winter Storm Warning going on right now - my lights are flickering and I definitely want to be offline before the power goes completely out. Plus, I have to wake up at *5AM* tomorrow for work! Craziness! I am definitely going to need a few extra shots of caffeine before my date tomorrow night. That's right, the guy I've been talking with from <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">okcupid</span> and I are going out tomorrow for dinner. I'm feeling pretty positive about it, but do have a few reservations. I'm not used to dating and do have several "quirks" that don't fit in to the modern dating world. (This might be where sissy needs to cover her eyes and say la la la) Basically, when compared to <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">today's</span> single women - I'm a prude. That is, until I'm in a significant relationship. I can honestly say that I've never slept with someone that I didn't love. I'm comfortable in my sexuality and can talk and joke about it freely. However, I've discovered that I have to be <em>very</em> clear with someone I'm dating that "it" just plain isn't going to happen within a set number of dates. It's up to the guy to decide if he wants to wait for me to be ready or isn't that patient and just wants to call it quits. So, that's my worry with this guy. He's already made a few sexual <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">innuendo</span> jokes and I know those are pretty easy to make through email and text so maybe he's just a little too comfortable that way. My dating profile does very clearly state that I am only interested in serious dating and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">ltr</span> and have zero interest in casual sex...so, hopefully it all goes well and he's just trying to break the ice with some not quite inappropriate comments. I mean if we'd known each other in person for this long I would likely be completely comfortable with it and laughed it off. I'm pretty sure it's just because we haven't met in person and I have that little worry about whether he's really looking for someone to settle down with like he says or if he's just a guy looking for a piece of ass.starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-32739028744142573592010-11-14T23:13:00.000-08:002010-11-14T23:49:41.630-08:00Just your typical Sunday evening...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhODcOkHNYZ8yp0hPC3BeEanJpkD_cmZ0_iyLzA8HIZgOs2A1eWnCWmdQoPR-71sdJWunglGYEzKz26xeGe4qqo91XMZ-lqzxqnlhx8yUGYlRYEzn_a-lZsV6hyl7bnsVdllcD_Dmv1Log/s1600/calebsmile.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 110px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 131px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5539674673422511634" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhODcOkHNYZ8yp0hPC3BeEanJpkD_cmZ0_iyLzA8HIZgOs2A1eWnCWmdQoPR-71sdJWunglGYEzKz26xeGe4qqo91XMZ-lqzxqnlhx8yUGYlRYEzn_a-lZsV6hyl7bnsVdllcD_Dmv1Log/s200/calebsmile.jpg" /></a> You know, discussing with your best friend via text message what musician you'd rat<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7dA_iIi0DEgHkC6NKpNeTKPo95R4ltcbXRn85GEUYFty4t4RqCSdPR_hlw0f58XxyB8HbSCjOQN80p-7Ke1CeBZnbitedXLcX4A4exBa2zqma4PFM1Sca30q4ojey5tXsCHGfBx_kcmo/s1600/calebsmile.jpg"></a>her be dry humped by and why. Oh, and by dry humping we meant dancing with. Her pick was Justin <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Timberlake</span> - she likes his rhythm. Mine, of course, was Caleb <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Followill</span> - I figure he may have a slow southern rock type of dry humping, but it sure would be nice!<br /><br /><div><div></div><div></div><div></div><br /><div>On to better topics ~ So cranky that I skipped the last two nights of <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">NaBloPoMo</span>! However, yesterday I spent 9 hours with my friend Carla and her son Jayson for his engagement party. He's the sweetest guy ever and if he was about 7 years older I would have snatched him up for myself ;) But instead I just try to watch out for him from time to time like he's a little brother. A little brother that likes to freak dance like he's dry humping me <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">lol</span>! (hence the later conversation with my <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">tbff</span>) I'm a little <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">ummm</span>...(how should I say this nicely?)...worried about the engagement. It's beyond a whirlwind romance and he's the kind of guy that could handle (read: put up with) just about anything in a relationship. I got the feeling last night that she was seeing several sides of him that she hadn't before and I'm just hoping that she doesn't break his heart. However, I'll do my best to stay positive - I even pulled her aside and gave a little advise last night - and hope that they can prove everyone who's questioning their day and a half long relationship wrong. Either way, my worry for him is much more focused on the fact that he's headed to Afghanistan - as long as he makes it home safely from there everything else will be cake.</div><div> </div><div>So, I'm seriously considering making an appointment with an <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">ENT</span> specialist to see about having my tonsils removed. This whole tonsil stone situation sucks. It's been annoying all my life but for the last several months it's been much worse - like, an almost daily <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">occurrence</span>. While I know that alone is not a reason to have them removed, I also think they may have an involvement with my sleep apnea since they've been increasing in size. Which means I should probably schedule that appointment with my sleep doctor first and then see what he thinks about it.</div></div>starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-63504719621608647932010-11-11T21:16:00.000-08:002010-11-11T21:41:02.967-08:00Awwww Snap!Looks like I know where I'll be at 4am two weeks from tomorrow!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.black-friday.net/target-ad-scan.html">Target's Black Friday </a>ad was leaked yesterday! My shopping list is long and I'm determined to get everything on it.<br /><br /><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Wii</span> Fit Plus Bundle for $67 - I don't even have a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Wii</span> yet but I want one really bad!<br />Satin PJ's for $10<br />Sweaters for $9<br /><br />Plus they always have awesome deals on tons of <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">DVD's</span> and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">CD's</span><br /><br />Still deciding on...<br /><br />40" LCD HDTV for $298<br />Sony <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Blu</span>-Ray player for $99<br />10<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">pc</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">Kitchenaid</span> nonstick <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">cookset</span> for $100starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-13281884727538231572010-11-10T22:11:00.000-08:002010-11-10T22:25:30.105-08:00So, honestly, what would you do?For the last hour I've listened to my next door neighbors yelling off and on. There's been a lot of loud noises and bangs against the wall that have actually shook my pictures. Now, sometimes they have loud parties so for the first while I couldn't tell for sure what was going on. Now I know that they were fighting, and I'm pretty sure those loud bangs were her getting shoved in to the wall. I stood at my front door for awhile listening while she stood outside and he stood in the doorway yelling at her to come look at what she did to the door. I have to admit, it brought back some pretty bad memories. When she yelled back "Why should I come look? No! You're just going to hit me if I come up there!" I opened my door. I asked her if she needed to call someone, and told her that even though my place was a mess she could come in if she wanted. She said she was okay - I knew she was just embarrassed. I told her I've been in her situation before. I understood. He opened the door again and started yelling before he realized I was there. I told him I wasn't trying to get involved - at which point he interrupted me and said "Yeah, I bet you <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">tryin'</span> to sleep huh? <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Lookit</span> what she did to my door!" and I said that no, actually I just had been in their situation before and the best thing for them to do right now would be to go their separate ways for the night and talk it out tomorrow when they were both calmed down. She made it all the way down the stairs while I was talking and last I saw he was back inside and she was walking out of the parking lot talking on her cell phone.<br /><br />Now - what would you do?<br /><br />If I call the cops for a domestic violence situation honestly they won't do much. I should know - when I lived in West Seattle with my ex multiple neighbors called the cops one night on us and since we both said nothing physical happened the cops didn't do anything.<br /><br />If I complain to the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">COA</span> since this couple are renters and not homeowners they will likely know it was me (though I suppose it could be the lady that lives below our units). They have a daughter so putting a family out of a home isn't really something I want to do and obviously would have little to no effect on the whole violence issue.<br /><br />Was my little interruption of advice enough? It did get her out of harms way - at least for tonight. What should I do if it happens again?starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-34338879962360236612010-11-09T21:18:00.001-08:002010-11-09T21:21:24.280-08:00Can't Say MuchWhat's the saying - if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all? I think for tonight I'll keep my mouth shut and wait until I have more answers. All I know is there needs to be some definite changes in the near future and, as I've always said, you can't expect anything to change if no one else knows anything is wrong.<br /><br />On a positive note - looks like the guy from the dating site and I are going out for drinks next week!starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-70727817008478124232010-11-08T22:13:00.000-08:002010-11-08T22:20:49.177-08:00So far...not so good.Okay, seriously, I need to start doing something more with this whole losing weight thing. One thing that I want to do is make a list of my breakfast, lunch, and dinner choices and then plan out my week of meals. I think not having ideas already ready for me is part of what ends up with me eating take out or crappy food. If I had a breakfast planned in advance then I probably wouldn't be so tempted by the pastry case at Starbucks. If I had a lunch ready to easily pack it wouldn't end up being a choice of Pamela's (Mac n' Cheese or French Dip), Courthouse (Grilled Cheese, <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Chix</span> Strips, or Burger), or <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Westlake</span> (Pizza or Sesame Chicken). If I had a dinner planned with ingredients bought and waiting for me at home it wouldn't be so easy to go to a drive-<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">thru</span> or pick up a frozen pizza. So, for the next couple days I'm going to brainstorm a list of ideas for each meal so I can mix and match them each day. Any thoughts?starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-68528047297728389972010-11-07T23:03:00.000-08:002010-11-07T23:13:29.382-08:00Brrr!It was downright cold today! The day started sunny and beautiful, but as it went on it was <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">sooo</span> cold. Working at my Sunday job often involves shifts of 20-40 minutes outside. Luckily I can come inside and warm up over the iron between times outside but it can get pretty darn chilly. We're trying to do as much outside work as possible now before winter really starts, especially since they keep saying that this is going to be the worst winter in Seattle in decades. This way we can have extra stock prepared to sew when its snowy out instead of me having to go outside and cut in a blizzard!<br /><br />Well, that guy emailed me back this morning, I wrote back to him before I went to work, he wrote me back tonight, and I answered him when I got home :) ...I'm thinking after the next round of emails I'll ask if he'd like to meet up this week for coffee or drinks or something. I like to talk a little bit before meeting to have an idea of if we're a good match, but don't want to talk so much that it builds up in to something that can't possibly live up to my expectations.<br /><br />Time to snuggle under the covers and get some sleep!starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-45504303685504990912010-11-07T01:18:00.000-07:002010-11-07T01:37:23.034-07:00Just Another SaturdayI don't really feel like I have much to say tonight...<br /><br />I finally took my car in to get all the stuff done I've been putting off - oil change, tires rotated, transmission fluid replaced, new air filter, wipers replaced, headlight replaced, brake light replaced, stereo fixed. I took my laptop with me and my flash drive full of orders from work that needed to be prepped :) It ended up being the perfect thing - their wifi was down so if I'd just brought my laptop I would have been bored out of my head. Plus it took the perfect amount of time - I worked on a couple, then talked to my mom for awhile, and I finished up the final set of orders just when the guy came out to tell me everything was ready.<br /><br />It's my favorite day of the year! Well, maybe third favorite behind Christmas and my birthday...it's the end of daylight savings which means I get a free extra hour of sleep!!!<br /><br />I contemplated texting the guy I was talking to last night, but honestly I don't really like to give my phone # to someone without knowing more about them. So, instead I just sent him a short email asking about his work schedule. I didn't want to seem too eager/desperate but I did want him to know that I am interested in talking more and potentially meeting. He did make a few comments during our chat that put me off a little - he said he hoped he hadn't offended me and I said no, because he hadn't, but just that it wasn't a usual subject for a first conversation. I can slightly understand where he was coming from, a lot of the questions they have for you to answer can be pretty out there so it wasn't totally off base. It was something I'd said about myself and put out there in public, so I can't fault him for that.<br /><br />Well, off to bed - cheers to getting extra z's!starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-9584601705466399792010-11-05T23:19:00.000-07:002010-11-05T23:23:30.078-07:00Well that was interesting...I had kind of a blah day today and was feeling a little depressed on the way home from work tonight. When I checked my email though I had a message from a guy on okcupid! I went online, checked out his profile, and he actually seemed like someone with potential! So, I messaged him back and then continued to look around on the site. After a couple minutes he popped up in a chat window saying hi - we talked for about an hour and a half and he even gave me his phone # before he said goodnight. We'll see where it goes, could be nothing - could be something. As long as he doesn't take me to build-a-bear if we go out then I'm good!starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-20456050467231491722010-11-05T00:36:00.000-07:002010-11-05T00:49:28.027-07:00I'm feeling just a little...Frustrated.<br />Annoyed.<br />Cranky.<br />Depressed.<br />Anxious.<br />Tired.<br /><br />It shouldn't take this much work to help someone do their job. It's frustrating and even slightly annoying. When is it time to just give up and let it be? And when does common sense kick in? I know I have high expectations, but I feel like it should be easier than this.<br /><br />I seriously need to call my doctor. Back in March I went on Yaz to try and help with my PMDD but stopped having my "monthly visit". I still had the physical symptoms though which got worse each month as I went longer and longer without a period. Well, that got a little annoying so a couple months ago I went off the Yaz and everything got back to normal...and my emotional symptoms got right back to where they were before the Yaz too. Seriously, there needs to be some kind of happy medium because feeling like crap emotionally for 10 days of the month really sucks.<br /><br />I also need to meet with my sleep doctor. Half the time I can't remember to take both doses of my awake medicine. When I only take one I'm uber-tired by 5 or 6. When I take both then here I am awake at 12:45 tired but can't fall asleep. When you're required to get 9 hours of sleep at night it really doesn't work out that well. Lord knows I'll probably only get 6 tops tonight.starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-58172084190619854042010-11-03T22:23:00.000-07:002010-11-03T22:39:03.306-07:00(Almost) Wordless WednesdayThis is from a few months ago in Boston, but since the walk in New York next June is part of what is motivitating my change in taking care of my health I thought they would be perfect for today's theme.<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsexw-38OXoR7FjFW0wNEcMcGSfRrNSmJyPqtBSfsGHpsVfImqBmfk6Wn0mFrgsPjjkwqVFOLyefOO7-s8LCoJKpPdwdXRSBq7q84G0Z81DfYX_s6BFLa26Q_qyD_eqqzdLz1o00SD2X0/s1600/079.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 254px; HEIGHT: 264px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5535561856078792674" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsexw-38OXoR7FjFW0wNEcMcGSfRrNSmJyPqtBSfsGHpsVfImqBmfk6Wn0mFrgsPjjkwqVFOLyefOO7-s8LCoJKpPdwdXRSBq7q84G0Z81DfYX_s6BFLa26Q_qyD_eqqzdLz1o00SD2X0/s200/079.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiquU_z-SuKbNYqZFo6pd5rBhVA4k8tKcB2gmI65cB9H6Dk_Ts3KG-IC1-NszFJ3VqUKs8YYXbiaWpkfV-6rl7WyOET4pMb0tgKkitkRZPaADhpmzglbWnYhzpUZ5bMR-YKSZ1kTrT5PzE/s1600/103.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 341px; HEIGHT: 219px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5535562793305668722" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiquU_z-SuKbNYqZFo6pd5rBhVA4k8tKcB2gmI65cB9H6Dk_Ts3KG-IC1-NszFJ3VqUKs8YYXbiaWpkfV-6rl7WyOET4pMb0tgKkitkRZPaADhpmzglbWnYhzpUZ5bMR-YKSZ1kTrT5PzE/s200/103.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9W3vkkpZ85XA9-bPzXu1Z4E96r3CwlA223GhXMrEVD7gZhEWxhre1c_FBnGwUCnnB9Iw1mghnrMLZxUJhx_yChmsCjjCe1ikm0k_R_L7CN2aFYi3OxmTI5RfDPux78UyP3ka5t3OrgIs/s1600/107.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 342px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5535562803078296322" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9W3vkkpZ85XA9-bPzXu1Z4E96r3CwlA223GhXMrEVD7gZhEWxhre1c_FBnGwUCnnB9Iw1mghnrMLZxUJhx_yChmsCjjCe1ikm0k_R_L7CN2aFYi3OxmTI5RfDPux78UyP3ka5t3OrgIs/s200/107.JPG" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjGscywRjQBDZhgmsf66V04tDDfXqfjI0g1PmFPPJojcZlRsxW5Ys8lqjKJdu9kmc5d5G70mV0oaIwa0uIv0Vu8nsZ3o9DViyy7snSBJyecLGly92uJM8MIAHH3xn4pmJpMArdkv2jc8k/s1600/113.JPG"></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjGscywRjQBDZhgmsf66V04tDDfXqfjI0g1PmFPPJojcZlRsxW5Ys8lqjKJdu9kmc5d5G70mV0oaIwa0uIv0Vu8nsZ3o9DViyy7snSBJyecLGly92uJM8MIAHH3xn4pmJpMArdkv2jc8k/s1600/113.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 317px; HEIGHT: 254px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5535562807314460722" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjGscywRjQBDZhgmsf66V04tDDfXqfjI0g1PmFPPJojcZlRsxW5Ys8lqjKJdu9kmc5d5G70mV0oaIwa0uIv0Vu8nsZ3o9DViyy7snSBJyecLGly92uJM8MIAHH3xn4pmJpMArdkv2jc8k/s200/113.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAvh9Z4O7M543sITN3s8QbtllUHbF__Bn5l19yHTwuPUSNVCjxmpiwviq2690Cfkn_S6YSinR3NcrzfVSmSQTXNuwE0hXWr9z02OWiZnx8at3Bec9-QYLqCGbF1Q3FGAq12D6SUuJ7Seo/s1600/110.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 285px; HEIGHT: 309px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5535562817511996226" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAvh9Z4O7M543sITN3s8QbtllUHbF__Bn5l19yHTwuPUSNVCjxmpiwviq2690Cfkn_S6YSinR3NcrzfVSmSQTXNuwE0hXWr9z02OWiZnx8at3Bec9-QYLqCGbF1Q3FGAq12D6SUuJ7Seo/s200/110.JPG" /></a>starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-22884430018476298662010-11-02T22:56:00.000-07:002010-11-02T23:11:52.530-07:00A little bit betterOn my quest to eating better and working out more I'm starting with baby steps.<br /><br />My previous morning drink from Starbucks was a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Grande</span> non-fat no-whip peppermint mocha - weighing in at 280 calories and 3g fat.<br /><br />I've switched to a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Grande</span> non-fat no-whip (sometimes *light* whip) hot chocolate - only 240 calories and 2.5g fat<br /><br />It's a teeny-tiny difference, but it's a step and it's cheaper too. I'm going to try and cut down to not every day after awhile, but it's such a social activity at work and I have so many friends working there as well that it makes it hard to not just stop in every morning. The main thing I need to do is stop buying breakfast at Starbucks! Holy crap have you looked at the nutritional information for their food?? But, somehow, even though I know how many WW points that croissant would cost me it's still so hard to say no when it's staring at me from inside the pastry case.<br /><br />My other baby steps for today:<br /><br /><ul><li>At lunch I ordered the Grilled Cheese and Tomato Basil soup. I only ate a few bites of the soup and dipped my sandwich in it because the amount of heavy cream in that soup is atrocious!</li><li>We took a field trip today so I did take a short walk through downtown. Not really exercise, but I moved more than I normally would have.</li><li>On my way home from work I wanted nothing more than to just drive through a fast food place or pick up a pizza at Little Caesars because I did not want to cook or have to wait to eat. Instead I convinced myself to go to Fred Meyer and pick up a few things and made myself a semi-"<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">nutritious</span>" dinner of chicken tenders on southern biscuits. Again, obviously not the *best* choice of meals but considering my original wants it's much better than what I would have ended up with at Wendy's or Jack In The Box.</li><li>Drinking more water! I've been <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">realllly</span> bad for the past week on the amount of water I've been drinking. Today I drank 3 bottles so that's 6 servings. Not quite the suggested 8, but again it's all about the baby steps.</li></ul>starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-51104733939336428922010-11-01T22:45:00.000-07:002010-11-01T23:06:54.139-07:00A new path for NaBloPoMo!For the next month I am going to attempt to participate in NaBloPoMo ~ National Blog Posting Month ~ by writing a blog every single damn day! However, instead of my usual subjects of work, love, and random bits of poetry, I'm going to write about my wins and struggles during my first month of getting back in Shape. Today is November 1st. In just over 6 months, May 21st in fact, I will turn 30. I don't want to be this size, weight, or have my physical activity limited by those when my birthday comes. In just 7 months, June 4th, the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk will take place in New York city. I'm determined to participate, and have not yet decided wether I'd like to walk or work on the crew again. Either way, I'd like to have the choice of walking open and that is only possible with shedding weight and getting myself back in shape.<br /><br />I plan to do my own version of Weight Watchers and am going to start working out on the elliptical. It will take some time to get everything on track and I'm sure I'll have set backs and times where I fall off the path. I just need to keep reminding myself - a U-turn is better than no turn. Or should I say pulling a whippy?starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-13569904995950105062010-10-12T23:24:00.000-07:002010-10-12T23:33:23.045-07:00Unfortunately it takes something like this...to get me writing again!<br /><br />Lately with the sudden rash of teenage suicides in the news I have been feeling a pull to get more involved in the AFSP or TWLOHA. Pretty much anyone who knows me knows that I have suffered from depression and suicidal tendencies since the age of 12 or so. Well, I'm about to confess to something that only 4 people know about. I never even told any of my numerous shrinks that I've had over the years. Heck, my sister who is pretty much the only person that reads this doesn't even know. (Sorry sissy!)<br /><br />For years I cut myself.<br /><br />It wasn't an every day thing. It wasn't even an every month thing. It was a way of relief when I was so stressed out and the anxiety was too overwhelming. It was something I had control over, and somehow it helped me get through. I want to be perfectly clear that this was not a drastic I need to see my insides and see the blood to know I'm alive type of thing. Quite frankly I'm pretty squeamish when it comes to blood and pain so I would go as lightly as I could stand and still get the release of having control. I'm happy to say that I've been able to fight off the urge and am not currently using this as a means of comfort during hard times. I want to be strong and to be a good role model for my niece and nephew. And I want to help other kids.<br /><br />I'm not really sure how to do this, it's going to take a bit of research. I don't have the psychological background that most places require for you to actually talk to kids in need even though that's what I feel I might be best at. I want them to see that you can make it through and live a (relatively) normal life. That being "crazy" doesn't make you less of a person, it might just make you more interesting.<br /><br />Part of what prompted this blog is what happened tonight. Tonight I reposted my personal ad on craigslist. Still not thinking I'll find much, but who knows. The first time the only hate email I got just told me I was fat. Duh, I already know this - you're not telling me anything new. And besides, I got multiple emails telling me how great my boobs looked and only one saying I was fat lol. The hate email that I received tonight was on a much more dangerous level. It read simply:<br /><br />Go kill ur self. one less fat girl in this state. You people make me sick.<br /><br />Well, Carl was dumb enough to use his real email address. I'm guessing this may be the reason he only has 8 facebook friends. And of course, I reported him to yahoo for abuse.<br /><br />To be honest, during the first half-second after I read that I wanted nothing more than to make the pain go away. But I know better. I know that Carl is dumb. I know that my last boyfriend S. couldn't get enough of me. That even if he didn't turn out to be LTR material, he thought I was beautiful and sexy and remembering that gives me more confidence at this size. Of course I'd like to be thinner, for multiple reasons, but I don't think that losing weight should be a prerequisite to finding a boyfriend.<br /><br />Basically I suppose, to sum it up - I feel stronger where I am now, even if I don't fit in with the social norms. I want everyone to know I'm okay, and I want to help everyone who isn't.starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-14915087769229010462010-07-08T21:38:00.000-07:002010-07-08T21:59:05.067-07:00The Path Is A Little Twisted...But I'm On ItWhen I first started this job 3 years ago I thought my goal was to get over to the private label design side even though my style is not the same as theirs. I figured I wouldn't want to actually design for any of the lines, but would enjoy doing production liaison work or as a technical designer. I really do love putting together spec packages and doing technical sketches and all that...Earlier this year however I was told that wouldn't be a possibility. I had a mini informational interview and was told that because I had gone to school for design so long ago and had been out of the design side for so many years that my education was "irrelevant". I was happy to hear that it had nothing to do with the fact that I never graduated, but definitely a little frustrated that what I'd thought I wanted to do was no longer an option.<br /><br />Then I got to thinking...I love my job. And while I don't want to stay in my current position forever, the majority of what I do is actually the responsibilities of an Assistant Buyer - I just don't have the title or pay. I also started thinking that maybe I kept feeling like I should go over to the private labels because it was what I went to school for so it's what I *should* do when really I'd rather stay where I am. Since I've made Assistant Buyer my new job goal I've been so much happier and focused and everything.<br /><br />After talking it over with my boss, her boss, etc etc while the job can't be "promised" to me I am now on the path to that position which should likely be added next year. So next week I have a few test days working in one of our retail stores because the path requires that I leave my office and go work in a store making my way up to Department Manager. Now, most people would probably say Wait - If you're already doing the job why can't you just get the promotion? Well, because that's the way it is. At first I was frustrated, even slightly angry about it...But now I've come to terms with it, and for however long it takes I'll just live on my credit cards if need be because being in the store means relying on commission. The end result is going to be sooooooo worth it though. :)<br /><br />Again, while the job can't be promised, my boss is already continually making comments like "this is why I need you to come back!" and I've had multiple people question what she's going to do without me. Not to brag or sound boastful, but I honestly really don't know the answer to that. I know our department so well and know her and how she likes things done to perfection. There is so much information in my head that it will be nearly impossible to write a manual for my job or train someone to do everything that I do.<br /><br />So, wish me luck on this crazy journey...I'm excited and scared and am hoping for the best!starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-75613549110407524162010-05-19T01:06:00.000-07:002010-05-19T01:10:17.902-07:00The Best Things in Life Don't Come EasyCan everything please just go according to the little plans I make in my head for awhile? I'm getting a little tired of all the twists and turns. I think I have something figured out and then whoops, nope, here's a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">curve ball</span> to throw everything out of whack. Job, money, life, love...it's all been a giant <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">rollercoaster</span> this year when I was looking forward to a nice smooth ride on the merry-go-round.starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-64454979829542792182010-05-13T22:47:00.001-07:002010-05-13T23:07:34.639-07:00Oh the anticipation...So, my mommy gets in town tomorrow night. Now 99.9% of me is uber-excited and happy but then there's that teensy part of me that is dreading it. There was so much I wanted to get done before she got here and none of it got accomplished.<br /><br />For some reason over the past 5-7 years or so my mom has become a little umm...weight obsessed. On the one hand I know that she's just trying to be helpful and is worried about me or whatever but it really is not a good thing. Plus, giving "tips" and complaining about her own weight (omg she gained .4 pounds this week! - yes, that's point four) isn't that encouraging to hear for someone who is an emotional eater. I get stressed about my weight from some of the things she says and then I just eat more. Last time I saw her was at Christmas - directly after 2 weeks of swine flu and not eating solid foods. I'd lost 12 pounds in 7 days and she kept telling me to watch what I was eating because I was going to gain it back. Well, of course I did because I lost all of it being *deathly ill* but now I've gained even more. Honestly (and this is a little scary to say out loud) I currently weigh the most I ever have in my life. :( I really just don't want her to say *anything* to me about it the entire time she is here because I know it'll just send me over the edge...<br /><br />I also wanted to get my hair cut and re-dyed. Not really sure why I felt the need to get it done before she saw me, just wanted to.<br /><br />Lastly, I really wanted to get my house put together a little more. It currently looks like a clutter factory exploded, and again I know she'll give her helpful tips about 10 minute tidies and all. Now, she truly does have good advice when it comes to that but I think she just doesn't understand my lifestyle when it comes to this kind of thing. There are only 24 hours in a day - I'm required to get 9 hours of sleep by my sleep doctor, and between the moment I wake up and the moment I get home from work is usually 11 hours. That leaves me four hours each night to relax, cook dinner, do laundry, watch a little tv, try to clean a little and try (TRY) to exercise...when really all I want to do with that entire 4 hours is slump on the couch and do nothing. I have noticed though that this Provigil is really starting to work so hopefully I can start making more use of that 4 hours.<br /><br />Well, I'm sure it'll all be fine I just need to remember to stand my ground and remind her I'm doing the best I can.starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7190002861619790079.post-65505815708111909172010-04-27T22:26:00.001-07:002010-04-27T22:41:28.339-07:00All the Difference in the WorldIt's almost a little amazing how much better I feel now that I know. My mind is clear, my smile isn't forced, I feel better than I have in months...and all practically overnight.<br /><br />Sunday *the boy* mysteriously showed up on my doorstep. Over four months since he moved to California, and I hadn't heard a word from him in all that time. I was telling him that he had no idea how much he'd hurt and destroyed me during that time...he was looking pretty upset himself and said "You don't know how I feel". I just said "So <strong>tell</strong> me, you've never told me" and he said those three words I'd been longing to hear and wondering if he felt for so long. He was only in town until that night when he had to leave to drive back to San Diego. We made plans for him to come over after he was done packing - supposed to be around 5 or 6 that night.<br /><br />After he left I cried. Hard. I had no idea what to do or what it all meant. I'd spent the last four months missing him so much and so very in love with a ghost. Every night when I got home I'd look to see if his car was there. Any time I heard someone coming up the stairs my heart would skip a beat and I'd hold my breath waiting to hear the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">persistent</span> knocking that was his signature.<br /><br />But, as per usual, he never came back Sunday night. Just hours before he'd said that he loved me, and then didn't bother to show up. But here's the weird thing, I didn't even cry. I didn't cry because this is exactly what I needed - it gave me the closure I'd desperately been seeking since he left. I believe him that he loves me, in the way that he is able. But I now know that he isn't capable of being there for me the way that I need. Previously I could always give him the excuse that his mom had just passed away so he was distraught, that he was on drugs so couldn't be expected to function properly...but this time there was no excuse to give for not showing up. He just didn't do it.<br /><br />Monday morning I woke up with a smile on my face. In the back of my mind a little part of me wonders if the shit is gonna hit the fan, but not yet it seems. I think I just needed to hear those three words, to know that he does care and love me and it was all real. And to know that there was just no way for it to work out, I no longer have to wonder "what if?"...starlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05649268049925509292noreply@blogger.com0