It's Almost a New Year...

And I'm actually a little excited. 2010 must be better than 2009! I mean, I can't think of anything truly horrid that happened to me in 2009 (other than my recent swine flu and pneumonia illness) but it was just a slightly blah year. And all of the good things that happened don't really have their conclusion until 2010. My new nephew will be born in April (or maybe March) and while I met *the boy* in 2009 we won't be able to really talk to each other again until February and he won't be home until May. One thing I haven't really told anyone is that he did come to see me last month...He had a day pass to come to Seattle to sign some legal papers from his last job and showed up on my doorstep as a surprise. He only had 45 minutes or so to spend with me before he had to leave to be back in time for curfew, but it was really great to be with him and see that we still really cared about each other. One of the first things he said to me was how great it felt to be clean, I'm so proud of him :) Another potentially exciting thing in 2010 is that my mommy might move to Wenatchee! It's not 100% sure yet, but they're definitely going to try for it in summer and that would be awesome. I do have a few personal goals, though I won't really call them "resolutions". I'd like to lose another hunk of weight, being sick two weeks ago really gave me a jump start on that! I'd also like to get several projects done around the house and keep it picked up. Part of that is also included in doing a clean sweep through everything I own and taking a few big trips to Goodwill and selling what I can either on ebay, craigslist, or at a swap meet/garage sale. Lastly, I'm going to work on my spending habits and try to make a significant dent in my personal debt. So, here's to a fabulous 2010!

NaBloWriMo

Well, 80% isn't bad. That's still a passing grade and slightly above average ;)

Yup, I missed 6 of the 30 posts I should have done this month. Considering I don't always have that much to write about, or that much time, I did a little better than I thought I would. I'm going to try to keep up with writing more often though, for multiple reasons. One, I think it'll be fun to try and keep a record of my thoughts and what's going on in my life. Another being that maybe *maybe* I would give this blog address to the boy so he could keep up with everything too. However, there's always the thought that there's some posts on here that have a lot to do with him. Granted, he already knows the majority of what I've felt/thought/still feel but it might be a little much for him to view it all out there for the world to see.

I still have so much that I want to get done for myself in the next 3 weeks and the next 3 months and the next 6 months! I have things that need to be accomplished before I leave to Montana for a week, things I'd like to do before I see him again, and things that I'd like to have ready for when he gets back. I know a big help in that would be getting to work earlier so I got off earlier so I had more time at night to clean and work out and do projects. I realllly need to call my sleep doctor and see if I need to come in to figure out what's going on with my sleep patterns right now. I'm having some serious troubles where if I don't set an alarm I'm sleeping at least 14 hours...usually 16. Plus I'm apparently sleeping THROUGH my alarm sometimes for a half hour or so while it's going off. I'm going to start setting the alarm on my cell phone too so that I have a back up. I don't think I could sleep through both...

Speaking of getting more sleep though, it's time to go to bed!

So, here goes...

I'm going to attempt to cover what happened just over two weeks ago with "the boy". I'm not going to go in to as much detail as I normally would, just because this is a topic that is pretty personal for me and I know that not everyone understands why I still feel the way I do...

Anyways, Friday the 13th - I'd already known that he was leaving that day to go to rehab and though he'd said that he wanted to come see me to say goodbye before he went, I wasn't all that surprised that he'd never shown up. I was headed to work early (for me) that day and was driving to the park and ride annoyed that some car was riding my ass. Finally we got to a red light and I looked in my rear view mirror to glare at them - and was shocked to see that it was him honking, waving, and motioning me to pull over into the gas station on the corner. I did and he pulled in right next to me, jumped out of his car without even turning it off, and quickly got into my passenger seat. Apparently he'd been following me all the way from my house! He'd just pulled onto my street when I pulled out of my driveway and since I didn't know what his new car looked like I hadn't recognized it. He laughed that he'd been honking at me most of the way down Evergreen Way but could see me singing so he figured I must have my radio up too loud. I was just so happy to see him, and I could tell a real difference in him from the last time I'd seen him. We talked about where he'd been, what he'd been using, and the fact that he was now 5 days clean and leaving for rehab in 2 and a half hours. We agreed that he'd come back to my place since he had some time so we could really talk all this out. It was all the little things that showed me that he was truly getting back to being the guy I met - the stupid little jokes, the way he actually looked me in the eyes, how he held me. And to me this one moment was so amazing...We'd been just standing in my living room, holding each other and talking when he pushed me out a little, put his hands on the back of my neck and said "I need to ask you something. Look me in the eye and tell me...do you want to be with me when I get back?" That question and the way he said it showed me something more...he wasn't asking because he needed me, or wanted me to take care of him or fix everything, or was scared. He was asking because he wanted me. And he wanted to make sure that I wanted him too. We spent the next two hours curled up together and talking.

Now I get that no one understands why I'd want to put myself into a relationship with a recovering addict. I will say that he said he wanted to be sure I knew he already knows he doesn't plan to drink again for the rest of his life. He said that it was "a pretty big catalyst that set me off" but that he just doesn't want to do it. I think he said it that way to try and tell me that he didn't want me to worry about having to keep watching him forever. I know it'd be the third relationship with an addict in my life, but I look at it that he wasn't using when I met him and that he at least realized he had a problem and he isn't looking to me to fix it - he's doing that himself. My first boyfriend I think knew he had a problem but didn't care at the time. He is in fact now sober and a born-again Christian. My second never thought he had a problem with weed even though he smoked multiple times a day nearly every day and went back and forth on whether or not he thought of himself as an alcoholic - but as far as I know he's still never done anything about it. To me it's a different situation to be with an addict in recovery because it's someone who doesn't want to use again. Also, he knows that I won't put up with someone that's using, I just can't and won't put myself into that situation again. So the countdown is on...another 75 days until I can talk to him again.

Hopefully everyone can be supportive of me. And him. And us. I know that everyone just wants what they think is best for me...but somehow I feel what's best for me is to be with someone that makes me happy, loves me for who I am, and just wants me for me.

Seriously!

Time to get off this train! I've been gobbling fast food for nearly one meal a day which has been taking a toll on both my $ and my waistline. I know part of it is just a lack of motivation to cook, part of it is that I don't have any clean pans (or want to wash them), and part of it is that I'm totally PMSing and that I just want fat and salt and everything bad for me. You know, I keep saying that I have 6 months to get my crap together and 6 months to do this and that. But the reality is there's a chance that I'll be seeing the boy in just 3 months! Not that I've gained a ton of weight in the past month (since I started gaining before he left) but I need to stop gaining now and start losing to get back to where I was. And not just for him, but more for myself. I look at my little 25 pound star that I earned in Weight Watchers and I know that most of that 25 is back...and I'd really like it to go away again! Another thing is that the 2010 Out of the Darkness Overnight was just announced. It's in Boston this year and I really want to go even though it would mean missing my nieces 3rd Birthday. Well, actually it ends the morning of the 27th so I could fly back that morning and be home in time for an afternoon party if that's the plan :) Anyways, if I do go I haven't decided if I'd want to go as a volunteer or as a walker. If I walk that's 18 miles and I'd like to be in much better shape this time around since I was literally crying for the last mile during the 2008 walk...

Dammit...

Well, I've missed two days now for NaBloWriMo...oh well! Saturday I remembered at 2:30 Sunday morning when I went to bed and by that point there was no way I was getting back up just to write something. Last night I went to bed pretty quickly after getting home because I wasn't feeling that great.

I still need to write a blog about what happened on the day the boy left for rehab and how that's going, but it'll be a pretty long and emotional blog to write and I just really don't feel like doing it tonight. For now I'll just say that things are good, I have a lot of hope for the future, and am very proud of him for doing what was right. 10 days down, 80 more to go before I get to talk to him again. =)

There's no flipping E

So maybe about a month ago my dad emailed me and I noticed that he had my full name in his address book with one of my middle names spelled wrong. Now, it's not like he had a typo and put a q in the middle of it - he spelled Ann as Anne. I was annoyed, but decided to ignore it. This week he sent me another email to both my personal and work email address and lo and behold he had my full name in his address book for my work address too - with the flipping E! So, it became obvious to me that that's how he actually thinks my name is spelled. There's been so many things in my life that I haven't called him out on that I felt like I *had* to do this...I replied to his email answering the question he asked and then added this little note at the bottom:

"It really bothers me that my name is apparently spelled wrong in your email address book for both of my emails...I noticed it the past couple times but didn't really know what to say. Can you please fix it?"

Well, he still hasn't answered me so either he hasn't checked his email all week or he is still trying to figure out what he spelled wrong in my name - so if you know him, and he asks you, don't tell him!

And the winner is...(spoiler alert!)

Meana Irina! I liked Carol Hannah the best and out of the final three I definitely wanted her to win - I think her dresses are amazing. But, like they said, her collection wasn't really that cohesive. As for Irina, her collection was pretty great but since she'd been such a bitch on the show I wasn't really rooting for her.

If you know me, you know that I <3 Project Runway though I'm not sure that I'm ready for a whole new season to start in just two months! I've had multiple people tell me that I should try out for the show but really, I know I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure. At least not at this stage in my life. Maybe in another 10 years depending on where I am in my life...

Really what I should do is just start sewing again. Even just making clothes for Alexa and Baby 2.0 would be good so I can get the thought process working again and get back into the groove of things.