Against everyone else's judgement...

I'm going to try and see him tomorrow. It's not that I'm not listening, I hear what everyone is saying. I understand. I also know that no one else actually knows him and no one knows what I'm truly feeling. This is part of the problem of being as open as I am about my life and relationships. And, as most people do, I always talked more about the bad than the good. He had plenty of amazingly sweet times where he made me feel beautiful, happy, cared about and special. But I still feel like I'll be disappointing everyone if I give him another chance. And that no one will be accepting of him if I do and it works. But the thing is, after everything, I just need this. If I don't see him I will always question myself and what could have happened. I feel like if we had met six months prior or six months later than we did things might be a lot different. I know that you can't change someone, trust me I learned that lesson in my past relationships. The core of who someone is doesn't change just because they've entered a relationship with someone else. If he's someone who just doesn't pay attention to when plans are made that's not going to change and it's not something I'm willing to accept. BUT, I'm willing to let him try and explain. I've said it before - he is someone I know I could fall in love with. The last time I felt this strongly about someone was 3 years ago and I actually feel more this time around. I know that it's much better to be single and okay than in a relationship and miserable. I think though, this might be a chance for us to start over. Admittedly our "relationship" before was focused way too much on the bedroom and not enough on actually getting to know each other. At this point if things do work out the sex won't be returning any time soon and that could be a chance for us to become friends, know each other, and develop something real...

Bleh

So for almost the last two weeks I've had this annoying cold/sinus infection/whatever. I was finally starting to feel better after taking Wednesday and Thursday off from work and only working a half day on Friday. Basically I slept all day long Wed, Thurs, and Sat. I decided to take today off just to make sure I didn't relapse. Except starting this afternoon I've got a whole new series of issues...bad headache, dizzy, nauseous, weakness, cold and hot flashes - no fever though. The headache is just on the verge of being a migraine so technically I could associate the nausea with that but I'm not sure. Ugh, I just really hope I'm not coming down with something new. I know I've been working myself too hard lately it's just been taking so much out of me to keep up with everything. Nordy's has been crazy busy with continually opening new stores. I think we're at 65 open stores right now, 66 next week. When I first started there were 50 and even then it was sometimes hard to get everything done each week. I think by the end of 2010 there's supposed to be almost 90...Plus I'm always stressed about money so I've been selling what I can on craigslist and through that purge party sale last weekend. The fabric sale went over well, I'm going to come away with $114. It probably took more time than that's worth but money is money. I'm doing decent on craigslist so far too selling clothes, collectibles, shoes, whatever I have that I really don't need or doesn't fit anymore. Hey, I may only be getting $5 for a pair of jeans but five dollars is five dollars and it all adds up :)

It's hard to "man shop"

...when the first resonable looking guy who's viewed your profile has a picture posted like this.

Yes, I blurred him myself to protect his, well, future embarrasment. I mean, seriously, yes you may have a decent body but don't post pictures like this on your online dating profile. You don't see me putting up pictures of my best assets. Which would, of course, be a generous cleavage shot ;)

Plus, doesn't it look like he's wearing hammer pants?

Why can't I be numb again?

People can say what they want. He's an asshole. A jerk. I deserve better. I know all these things. I also know from the day I met him I was happier than I'd been in years. It shouldn't take a man to encourage these things in my life, but from the day he entered my world I changed. I woke up early looking forward to the day. I was motivated and started taking care of my house and the things in my life. I won't lie, I wasn't in love with him. I didn't know him enough to say that. But I loved him. And I knew he was someone I could and would fall in love with someday soon. For the most part I'm okay now. I get through my days with only a few random thoughts on what happened, where he is, and if any of it was real. I still don't feel like it was a game, and that's not just me being hopeful or gullible, it's still my stupid gut. But then there are nights like tonight. Where I'm laying in bed, lights out, getting ready to drift off to sleep...and I start crying uncontrollably. Yup, as I write this I'm basically sobbing. I hate that he has this much power over me. It's been three weeks since I've seen him and as mad and hurt and destroyed as I am in this moment I want nothing more than for him to knock on my door and explain it all away with his perfect excuses and hold me and wipe away my tears.

What the Eff??

So I just checked my email, like, two seconds ago and get this - I have a new friend request on facebook. From my high school boyfriend. Umm...no thanks dude. He contacted me about 3 years ago through myspace, apologized for everything he'd done to me and let me know that he was clean, sober, and a serious christian now. He sent me a friend request through there and I told him that while I accepted his apology and was glad he was doing good that he was a part of my past and I really wasn't interested in having that part of my life back. So wtf? Why is he sending me a request on facebook now?? Even just looking at his fb page my heart started racing - and not in a good way. See, our relationship was a very...tumultuous one. As my first relationship it definitely set some sort of level for what I expect/accept/whatever in my love life. We probably broke up and got back together at least 20 times during the two and a half years we were together. There was constant drama. He cheated on me with my best friend. I stayed another year after I found out. We took a "break" before I decided it was time to actually break up but at that point he was so far into crank I couldn't even understand him or what he was doing. Which is probably why he sort of started stalking me. He would call me begging me to go see him, to talk to him. I always refused but would be destroyed for about a week and then start to heal and then after another week or two he'd call again and it would start all over. Whenever I picked up the phone and heard his voice I'd start panicking. He isn't exactly someone that I would consider a healthy relationship for me - even as a friendship.

So, am I a bitch for ignoring his friend request? Am I required to send him a message that says thanks, but no thanks? Honestly, I want no contact with him whatsoever. Unless, that is, he wants to give me the $3,000 he owes me...