tarot

so, tonight was the girl's night out mariner's game at safeco field. it was fun, but the only part i'm going to write about is my amazingly telling tarot reading. he asked if there was an area i wanted the reading to focus on and i just "oh just the usual - love and relationships and whatever" He asked if i was currently in a relationship and i think i just said "sort of"...i shuffled the deck, split it, and he went to work. the first card he turned - the lovers. the next card - the three of swords. honestly i can't remember right now the third card he turned. he explained that the first card showed there was definitely a relationship and that the second card was my uncertainty in the relationship. that i'm questioning it. yes, i understand that he could have gotten all of that out of my "sort of" response but the fact that those cards turned up first was pretty spooky. I can't remember the names of the rest of them but here's the run-down of what he said they all meant:

there's a relationship that i'm questioning about whether or not it's worth it for me to stay. that it took me a long time to meet this person. he said that i was just out of a significant relationship in the past year or two (not true - it's been 3-1/2 years) and that the other person in this current relationship just had one end in the last year (i'm pretty sure that's right. i know he's been divorced for about 4 years but from what he's said the last person he dated ended a year or so ago) he said that the things that i'm questioning will be answered soon - that he couldn't tell an exact timeline but no longer than a month and a half. that the other person had a lot of things that they were dealing with and that i needed to be patient. he pulled the death card, which of course doesn't actually mean someone's going to die, it is a card of transformation showing that a big change is coming soon. he also pulled a card showing that this current relationship - if i allow myself to be patient - will be significant lasting at the very least a year but most likely much longer...

there was more things that he said but i'm tired and can't remember right now. i know that it's the same as horoscopes - you can always read into it whatever you want - but it was pretty damn spooky to have all of those cards turn up in the order they did...

Bleh...just writing it out...

So, it's been just over a month since I met "the boy". It seems like so much longer, and I feel absolutely insane. Here I am falling incredibly hard for a guy that I'm not even with right now. It's been so hard and I feel like it shouldn't be so very difficult at the beginning of something like this. Obviously, what he is going through is much worse than my own stupid insecurities and it's not like either of us could have had any idea that a bomb like this would be dropped so shortly after meeting one another...On the one hand, I can see the look on his face when he talks to me. I feel in my gut that he's being honest when he says that he wants to do this right. That he wants to be in a relationship with me but that because of everything else the timing isn't right. On the other hand, if any girlfriend of mine was telling me all of this I'd say she was crazy to wait around. I feel horrible because I feel like I'm waiting for his mother to die to be able to be together. And then when she's gone he'll probably be too devastated to be in a relationship. It's so complicated and messed up and if I didn't have this crazy gut instinct that this is real that this could be "it" then I wouldn't even be thinking so hard about it all. There's just some weird special connection there. I know I always fall hard and fast and am thinking that any guy I talk to for more than a day could be "the one" but this is different. I didn't even feel this way so quickly about my last ex. The first week and a half was perfect and he even confessed to me too that there's just something extra there between us. He was (and still is) incredibly sweet. Told me the first day he met me that he was going to court me. The next day we saw each other and he said that he had a song stuck in his head and didn't know where it came from because he hadn't heard it in forever. Then he started goofily singing to me "Loooving you is easy cuz you're beautiful na na na na na..." and on and on. Some people might think that's a little weird, but to me it was incredibly sweet and cute and it made me smile. I want that part back. I want the us holding hands and me leaning my head on his shoulder and him coming over to my car to kiss me as soon as I get out at the P&R. I want it to be easy again.

Ahhh...the good ol' days

So on Thursday we're having a Recognition Meeting at work with a theme.

An 80's theme.

Now, at first I planned to go all "Designing Women" with a denim suit and some awesomely huge gold jewelry that I borrowed from Claudia. But then last night it hit me. This is the one and only time I could get away with being rocker-chick at work. 80's punk rock chick, but still rocker-chick. So, new plan! Now I'm going for more of a Sid & Nancy/Ramones/CBGB kind of look...I picked up a Ramones t-shirt on clearance at Hot Topic, some awesome bondage pants (which I've been wanting a pair anyways...good for shows, etc.) and I can amazingly still fit into my Doc Martens from high school.

So I tried on the whole shebang tonight and looked in the mirror. Perfect. Not sure if everyone at work will get it, I have a feeling most of them will be working the neon/pastel/preppy looks of the 80's but I've got to represent the punk crowd :) Plus this extra bit of uniqueness might help me get the votes. Top prize per division is $200! The only sad thing was that looking in the mirror, I saw me in high school. I miss me in high school. I miss running around in my ripped fishnets, leopard print everything, and vinyl corsets (really, I swear I didn't dress like a whore, just a good little goth/punk girl) and going to a different concert every other week...ahh, the good old days!

Now the only decision that needs to be made - do I ride the bus to work all punked out or do I change when I get there? I'll arrive about 20-30 minutes before the meeting starts and honestly I'd like as few people as possible to see me beforehand so the surprise kinda all comes in one shot of fabulousness...

a work in progress

So I've been working on this for the past couple months but it's developed a bit more in the past couple weeks. I guess that's what a tumultuous love life does for you - good for the art in the world!


I'm trying to keep my life together,
you said this love would last forever.
But now my world has fallen apart
as you calmly rip out my heart.
Slowly dying in your hands
I wait for this anguish to end,
your eyes ambivalent as you watch me
while crimson tears stream down my cheeks.
Feeling afraid and alone,
but still surrounded by you,
when will my torture be done
what more can you do?
Your eyes staring coldly,
and somehow you still can't see,
all this pain you're causing
my battered soul finally released.

Death has made an angel of me.