Bleh.

I don't know what's with me today. I'm depressed, tired, feeling all around blah. Maybe it's stress from work because we have our Planning Meetings next week. Maybe it's exhaustion from working too much. There were a lot of long days this past week to get caught up after being on vacation. It's probably just a mixture of it all. Either way I basically slept the entire day today. I went to bed at 10pm Friday night which is at least 2 hours earlier than I normally would have. I woke up at 9:30, went online for a bit, and then went back to bed. I got up again at 5:30, and likely only because my sissy sent me a text message and the chime woke me up. This time I managed to stay awake for an hour and a half before I climbed back upstairs and got in bed. I woke up at 10:30 and debated for a few minutes whether I should just roll over and go back to sleep or actually get up. But I was thirsty, needed to take my meds, and should probably eat something so up I am. But now that I've completed those tasks I feel like I want to get back under the covers. I have so much that needs to get done in life and no energy on the weekends to do it. I think it may be time to cut back on my weekend working. Which is sad to me, I've worked there for 10 years and not seeing them every week would be a big change. But, the other girl I work with is interested in taking on more hours and more responsibilities so it is kind of perfect timing. Perhaps I should just make sure to schedule off one Sunday a month leading up to holiday time. Holiday is usually too busy of a time for taking days off so I'll have to play that by ear. However, once February comes around it tends to slow down again so I could start having weekends again. Only having one day off a week tends to make parts of my life fall apart. I don't want to clean or run errands after work which leaves everything to Saturday. But it's my one day off so I want to relax and not have responsibilities...which just makes everything pile up until it's incomprehensible where to start and how to get it all done. I've been trying to take more time for me, but it's not working out so well. The best I've done at that was to actually take vacation from work which while it doesn't sound like much is actually a huge deal. I never used to take more than a day or two off unless it was Christmas and I took a full week off in May and again in September.

*yawn*

I think I'm done writing now. Time for bed.

Becoming a New Me

For pretty much all my life I’ve been “the creative one”. I’ve never been athletic or outdoorsy. I can remember in elementary school I was (for some unknown reason) on the track team. My one event was the softball throw - the kiddo version of the shot-put. At a district meet, after I threw my softball one of the coaches tried to take me over to where they were running the relay race. The team was short a kid and they wanted me to take the place even though I‘d never run a relay before. I instantly burst into tears and ran off the field to my mom.

On the other hand, my sister has always been athletic. She ran track and cross country all through school, and in her twenties started doing kung fu and quickly worked her way up the belts. She’s two years older than me, so my sophomore year of high school was her senior year. Apparently her coaches were under the impression that I would be coming in as her replacement. The first time I saw one of them I was greeted with the comment “So, Little J! Are you ready for the season?!?” Yeah, not so much. For me the only reason to run is if someone is chasing me.

That doesn’t mean I refuse to get up and move. I enjoy doing charity walks which are usually a 5K or 3K, and in 2008 I even walked 17 miles through Seattle for the AFSP Out of the Darkness Overnight. I started doing water aerobics a couple years ago and while there have been periods of time where I stopped it is something I really like.

Back in January I broke my foot which led to 3 and a half months without walking, and 8 months after the accident I’m still in recovery. I think those 3 and a half months of not being able to move on my own triggered a need for action. Like not being able to do anything is making me want to do everything. Actually, it was probably that plus turning 30! Now I’m excited to get up and work out and just plain do something! Not to say I’ll ever be a runner, somehow I don’t think I’d ever find that enjoyable. Plus, with "the girls" I’m likely to give myself a black eye! But I’m wanting to try all sorts of new things. I’ve started back up with water aerobics twice a week and trying to work out at home at least twice a week…but I want more. I want to try kayaking. I want to hike, and camp, and learn how to really swim. And, the reason I want to learn how to swim is because I want to surf. I don't see myself jumping into the frigid waters off Washington, but I hope that someday I'll actually make it to Hawaii and I'll be sure to find some big kahuna to teach me :) The idea of rock climbing intrigues me. Not on a mountain, on a wall. But quite frankly my fear of falling will probably stop that one from happening. I want to go horseback riding. Hot yoga is probably next on my list. And while that sounds the easiest and most relaxing it might be the one I’m most nervous about! I hear all the horror stories of fainting and vomiting and that just does not sound very appealing to me! But then I hear from friends that love it and are addicted to the cleansing feeling they get afterwards and it gets me excited to try it.

I’ve questioned myself if any of this new attitude has to do with the guy I’m crushing on who is Mr. Outdoor Activity, but I honestly think it doesn’t. I’ve never really been the kind of girl to absorb into a guy and take on his hobbies. R, my high school boyfriend, was a huge skateboarder - I tried once, fell on my ass, and was content to spend the rest of the time sitting on the sidewalk watching. H, who I was with from 18-24, spent nearly every weekend in the summers out at La Push surfing, and I never went once. He was in a dart league (not that that’s very athletic…) and I didn’t go to a single match. Wow, with H I kinda sound like a bitchy girlfriend. But while I had no interest in it, I was never really invited either.

So, here I am - 30, single, and full of a feeling of adventure! Wish me luck on my journey...

Did I wait too long?

I know that it's never too late to make a change or start over, but what if you waited so long that you end up missing out?

I've been working really hard lately at turning my life around - eating better, exercising, and even just taking more time for *me*. I'm mainly doing this all for myself of course, but the fact that the guy I'm hugely crushing on is all athletic definitely helps with the motivation.

I've never had a lot of self-confidence when it comes to my looks. I know I'm smart, funny, nice and generally I think I'm a pretty awesome person...but even when I was skinny I thought poorly about myself in the looks department. I don't really recall anyone ever saying anything to me or making comments that made me become self concious about it - which could be considered odd since my mother is now obsessed with weight. I don't blame anyone for my poor self image, it was admittedly a little hard having an older sister who was several sizes smaller than me. She'd be a size 1 or 3 and I was a 9 - there were no hand me downs once we got older. But no one ever said anything to me about it, it was just something I recognized and wondered why I didn't have that build.

I feel a little ridiculous now thinking that 100lbs ago I thought I was fat. I can't pinpoint exactly how I got to where I am today. I know part of it was various prescriptions, part was emotional eating, part was just plain not taking care of myself and scarfing fast food instead of cooking. Admittedly there was a time when I purposely tried to gain weight - when I was with H he'd admitted to me that if I got fat he'd probably break up with me. When I wanted the relationship to end but wasn't sure if I could do it I tried to figure out how to get him to break up with me. That didn't work though, I just got fat and so did he and eventually I had to be the one to call it quits.

Now, I'm worried. I know that with this guy I feel so comfortable talking with him, we have a decent amount in common (movies, music, etc.), and I know I'm smart enough, funny enough, nice enough, etc...but I feel that physically I'm not good enough for him. He of course has not said or done anything to give that impression, it's just me. I'm sure he has some clue that I like him, I feel like I'm getting a vibe from him but I just don't know what to do. If I'd shaped up my act years ago and lost the weight, would I still be as worried about all this now? And what if I was me, but skinny, he'd be more in to me than he is now? I know he should like me for who I am on the inside blah blah blah but you have to be physically attracted to someone too and I guess I just find it hard to believe that someone as active as him could be attracted to someone like me.

I suppose all I can do for the next month is keep up with the good work, be sweet charming me at my appointments, and hope that when I'm done I either get the courage to ask him out or we somehow make plans for a social setting.

One week down!

So I've completed my first week back on Weight Watchers and already lost 5 pounds! I haven't even been counting points yet - just eating better/less and working out more. They have a new way of calculating points and I haven't really taken the time to learn it yet. You used to be able to have a little handheld slider thing that automatically calculated the points. Now you either have to log on to the website or buy one of their fancy electronic calculators to do it and, of course, my meeting was sold out of the calculators. I need the convenience of being able to have it with me always instead of looking things up online all the time. I even had two minor set backs in working out this week. On Tuesday I don't know what we did in my physical therapy but after I got back to work my lower back was completely out of whack until Wednesday night. Then on Thursday night I twisted my already injured ankle while walking on some uneven pavement so didn't want to risk hurting it more.

Now, on the umm...romantic potential in my life. I'm *so* nervous about seeing him tomorrow! This is ridiculous! I've seen him once or twice a week for over 2 months. Of course, everything changed last week when I think he asked me out. Still don't know whether it's friendly or date-ly but it would still be a social interaction for us vs what we've been doing. Blech. I'm full on twitterpated. I know how I want to bring the subject back up and fix the mess I made by not instantly saying yes, but I'm worried I'll get all tongue tied and it'll come out wrong and make a fool of myself. But really, how hard is it to say "Oh that Decemberists show is on August 22nd, and I was thinking - who cares that it's on a Monday we should totally go". Seriously. It's not hard. But I still have this weird feeling of, like, why would a guy who's incredibly athletic and in shape be interested in a girl who is...not. On the one hand I can see that there might not have been an instant attraction but that after spending time together and getting to know each other something has grown. I mean, we do spend most of my sessions talking while I'm working out and we have the same taste in music and a lot in common and he is *so* easy to talk to, the conversation just flows. We've even talked about how it's kinda hard being 30 and single - and he specifically mentioned not having the house with the white picket fence and everything he thought he'd have by now. I also need to keep reminding myself that S was pretty athletic and was apparently more interested in me physically than emotionally. I need to have confidence in myself. I brought up the concert as more informational since he'd mentioned they're one of his favorite bands, but he asked me if I wanted to go. I think I just don't want to be all twitterpated and then be heartbroken before anything even starts. Wish me luck :)

Tomorrow is a new day

And it's a new start. Tomorrow I sign up for Weight Watchers all over again. Last time (which was about 2 years ago) I lost 25 pounds pretty quickly, but I hit my plateau right before Christmas. I took a "little break" for the holidays and never went back. Now here I am with those 25 pounds back and another 15 or so on top of that.

Today was my last hurrah and I probably shouldn't have gone as far as I did because quite frankly I feel a little sick. Not to say that I went on a binge or anything, just ate some things that are "bad" for me and I won't be able to have anymore.

I'm allowed to start some small amounts of cardio - I can start by doing 10 minutes a day on the elliptical machine. If I can do that for a week without my foot and leg hurting then I can up it to 15 minutes a day for a week and so on and so on adding 5 minutes each week. I also have about 30 minutes of stretching and strengthening exercises that I need to do every night for my ankle/calf. I want to be stronger and healthier.

I also want to call and make an appointment with an endocrinologist to be tested for Cushing's. It may be a long shot that so many of my health issues are caused by one thing, but wouldn't that be fabulous to have an answer!

Symptoms/signs of Cushing's are:

• Weak Muscles


• Weight gain in face, waistline, and back of neck/upper back


• Acne


• Dark stretch marks on stomach


• Anxiety/depression


• Backaches


• Loss of muscle tone


• Irregular menstrual periods


• Abnormal hair growth


• Sleep issues


• High blood pressure/blood sugar

The symptoms that are bold/italic are ones that I have. Now, obviously these could all be attributed to something else but what if there really is one answer? What if there is one thing that is making all of these worse for me? Part of me is scared to get tested because if it is Cushing's that means surgery, if it's not Cushing's then I don't have the possibility of a magic answer. But I guess no magic answer leaves me right where I am now so what am I waiting for?