Sunday, July 24, 2011

Did I wait too long?

I know that it's never too late to make a change or start over, but what if you waited so long that you end up missing out?

I've been working really hard lately at turning my life around - eating better, exercising, and even just taking more time for *me*. I'm mainly doing this all for myself of course, but the fact that the guy I'm hugely crushing on is all athletic definitely helps with the motivation.

I've never had a lot of self-confidence when it comes to my looks. I know I'm smart, funny, nice and generally I think I'm a pretty awesome person...but even when I was skinny I thought poorly about myself in the looks department. I don't really recall anyone ever saying anything to me or making comments that made me become self concious about it - which could be considered odd since my mother is now obsessed with weight. I don't blame anyone for my poor self image, it was admittedly a little hard having an older sister who was several sizes smaller than me. She'd be a size 1 or 3 and I was a 9 - there were no hand me downs once we got older. But no one ever said anything to me about it, it was just something I recognized and wondered why I didn't have that build.

I feel a little ridiculous now thinking that 100lbs ago I thought I was fat. I can't pinpoint exactly how I got to where I am today. I know part of it was various prescriptions, part was emotional eating, part was just plain not taking care of myself and scarfing fast food instead of cooking. Admittedly there was a time when I purposely tried to gain weight - when I was with H he'd admitted to me that if I got fat he'd probably break up with me. When I wanted the relationship to end but wasn't sure if I could do it I tried to figure out how to get him to break up with me. That didn't work though, I just got fat and so did he and eventually I had to be the one to call it quits.

Now, I'm worried. I know that with this guy I feel so comfortable talking with him, we have a decent amount in common (movies, music, etc.), and I know I'm smart enough, funny enough, nice enough, etc...but I feel that physically I'm not good enough for him. He of course has not said or done anything to give that impression, it's just me. I'm sure he has some clue that I like him, I feel like I'm getting a vibe from him but I just don't know what to do. If I'd shaped up my act years ago and lost the weight, would I still be as worried about all this now? And what if I was me, but skinny, he'd be more in to me than he is now? I know he should like me for who I am on the inside blah blah blah but you have to be physically attracted to someone too and I guess I just find it hard to believe that someone as active as him could be attracted to someone like me.

I suppose all I can do for the next month is keep up with the good work, be sweet charming me at my appointments, and hope that when I'm done I either get the courage to ask him out or we somehow make plans for a social setting.


Kristen @ Adventures in Mommyhood said...

Hugs Sissy! I just saw this post now (haven't been reading online AT ALL). You are an awesome person and I love ya!