a bit of disappointment...a sprinkle of hope

Well, I did seriously luck out in that my vaguely dumbassed text actually didn't go through since he was having trouble with his phone. But tonight we ended up having a kinda serious talk for only knowing each other 10 days...It was kinda hard to talk about, but I'm glad I broached the subject. I was driving myself crazy trying to interpet his actions during the last two days. I told him that he was confusing because I couldn't tell anymore if he was interested or not and I gave a basic overview of what I had been trying to say in the text. Basically, we decided that things had been moving much too quickly and we needed to back up and start over. Apparently, we're now "friends". There's the bit of disappointment. BUT what gives me the sprinkle of hope is that he said he is definitely interested in me as a future relationship. I completely agree that things went too far too fast. It was actually nice afterwards talking and I found out he loves to cook - makes things from scratch and all that. I told him these are the things I want to know about him. He also told me about some really tough shit that's going on right now which is part of why he doesn't want to be in a "relationship" at this moment. We'll see how long this "friends" aspect lasts before we move forward. I know it'll drive me a little crazy at first, but I need to just keep telling myself that we're taking this path together with the full intention of developing a relationship...

*sigh*

Somehow I'm always screwing up the possibilities of a relationship. I shouldn't jump ahead of myself I suppose, in fact that's what I always do that ruins things so maybe I really haven't done anything yet. Ugh. Unfortunately there's no real way to know until tomorrow. The thing is, I actually really like this guy. I mean, it's just barely been over a week and I'm falling head over heels for him and screwing it up at the same time. I don't know how to handle a guy actually being nice to me. Granted, my previous relationships started out nice - otherwise they wouldn't have lasted as long as they did. But, in the end, every guy turned in to an asshole. I've been unknowingly cheated with, cheated on, and abused in every way (physically, emotionally, and yes...technically the other). I went through years of counseling and finally realised that I deserved better and that I can be with someone who wants me for me, not as someone to take care of them or just be there for them to use. But now that I'm dating, or whatever it is we're doing, a guy who actually opens doors, pulls out chairs, thinks I'm beautiful...basically everything that a girl could want...well, I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan. It's making me hold back when all I really should be doing is enjoying this and trusting myself and opening up to trusting him. And then I did it. I pulled the move that will most likely send him running. Last week on our first actual date he asked me what my biggest flaw was (yes, he had interesting questions all night). I told him I was messy. Like, really messy. And I am, but it generally comes and goes in phases. Well, tonight I texted him that I realized that my biggest flaw is not that I'm messy, but that I'm so used to having assholes in my life that when an awesome guy is right in front of me I'm still waiting for something to go wrong. I said that hopefully it didn't weird him out because I like him and that now that I know that's what I was doing I'm going to stop. So there's basically two ways this can turn out. Either he'll realize that I really like him and was just a little gun-shy, or he'll take it the wrong way and decide I must have too much baggage and he won't want to deal with it. I probably shouldn't have even said anything at all. And now I will spend the next 10 hours wondering how much I fucked this up.