All the Difference in the World

It's almost a little amazing how much better I feel now that I know. My mind is clear, my smile isn't forced, I feel better than I have in months...and all practically overnight.

Sunday *the boy* mysteriously showed up on my doorstep. Over four months since he moved to California, and I hadn't heard a word from him in all that time. I was telling him that he had no idea how much he'd hurt and destroyed me during that time...he was looking pretty upset himself and said "You don't know how I feel". I just said "So tell me, you've never told me" and he said those three words I'd been longing to hear and wondering if he felt for so long. He was only in town until that night when he had to leave to drive back to San Diego. We made plans for him to come over after he was done packing - supposed to be around 5 or 6 that night.

After he left I cried. Hard. I had no idea what to do or what it all meant. I'd spent the last four months missing him so much and so very in love with a ghost. Every night when I got home I'd look to see if his car was there. Any time I heard someone coming up the stairs my heart would skip a beat and I'd hold my breath waiting to hear the persistent knocking that was his signature.

But, as per usual, he never came back Sunday night. Just hours before he'd said that he loved me, and then didn't bother to show up. But here's the weird thing, I didn't even cry. I didn't cry because this is exactly what I needed - it gave me the closure I'd desperately been seeking since he left. I believe him that he loves me, in the way that he is able. But I now know that he isn't capable of being there for me the way that I need. Previously I could always give him the excuse that his mom had just passed away so he was distraught, that he was on drugs so couldn't be expected to function properly...but this time there was no excuse to give for not showing up. He just didn't do it.

Monday morning I woke up with a smile on my face. In the back of my mind a little part of me wonders if the shit is gonna hit the fan, but not yet it seems. I think I just needed to hear those three words, to know that he does care and love me and it was all real. And to know that there was just no way for it to work out, I no longer have to wonder "what if?"...

Countdown to 30...

So, I am exactly two months away from my 29th birthday. Which, of course, makes me just over a year away from the dreaded 30. I know most people don't see 30 as that big of a deal anymore, but when I figured I'd be married with two kids by the age of 23...well, being 30, single, and childless is kinda stressing. Also, I'm just not entirely happy with where my life is. Sooo, here's my hope for motivation - during the next two months I'm going to try to come up with everything that I would have control over accomplishing by the time I'm 30. I say what I have control over because obviously I can't make a marriage happen or the market pick up so I can sell my place. But I can put myself out there more once I'm ready again and I can work on my place so that when the market is ready so am I. Some of the things I already know to put on the list are to get back in shape, eat better, make more time for *me*, etc. Once I have it all put together I'll post it on here and give periodic updates. Even though no one reads this (except for you sissy lol!) having it as "public" knowledge may help me to be a little more accountable...

Deep Thoughts

Well, not really. I just don't have one big subject I'm ready to write about right now so I thought I'd go for a bunch of little tidbits...

I desperately need to take a day off from work. I can tell I'm getting a little more stressed out than I should be right now. As always, I only have Saturdays off but the last few Saturdays haven't really been "mine". Now, I enjoyed how I spent them but this past Saturday was at my step-niece's 1st birthday party and the week before I was babysitting the bean. The week before that was something too but I can't quite remember...Anyways, I don't know why but I am also so nervous to ask my boss for a day off if I'm not actually going out of town or doing something big. She's never said no and I don't think she ever would say no unless I asked for the day that we had a big meeting or something. So, I neglected to ask her today before I left work and she flies to NY in the morning. I'm thinking though that after I see how much I get done tomorrow I can email her asking if it would be okay to take Friday off. Plus I sometimes feel a little *too* responsible for my department - as in I feel like I shouldn't take a day off when she's in the office because she might need me but I also feel like I shouldn't take a day off when she's out of the office because then there is no one there to take care of whatever issues might come up. I'm not even sure how much PTO I have so I should check that tomorrow too.


I got another stupid parking ticket. Same "violation" this time of blocking access. I am, of course, fighting this one as well and have the perfect reasoning that last time the judge agreed that there is nothing there to block access to and I guess I just won't park there anymore. I'm going to contest this one by mail though because I really don't feel like sitting in a courtroom for two hours.


I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to pay my bills this month. See, I always get paid on the 4th and the 19th which is just well and dandy but because of the way the days fell in February this year that means there was only 9 days in this pay-period instead of the usual 11 or so. I'm sure I'll just end up borrowing some money from Claudia and then taking home some extra work to pay it off, but that then contributes to the working too much = being stressed out thing.


I need to get a resume put back together. I'm not sure what happened to the one I used for the job I have now but I really wish I could've found it. There aren't any openings at this point that I'm interested in but I'd like to be prepared if something comes up. Trying to remember what years I went to what schools though and how to word what I do and all that is hard.


I kinda feel like my brain isn't functioning right. See, I'm an amazing typist. Really, like I just took a test and wasn't trying super-duper hard and got 83 words a minute with no mistakes. But lately I'm not typing the right words. I know what I want to say but my fingers are going to different keys. Usually it's a variation on the word that I started to type and most people might not think it's anything unusual but I'm generally so accurate that it's kinda freaking me out. Probably just another part of that whole stress thing!


Well, the doctor has ordered me to get 9 hours of sleep every night which I'm thinking isn't enough because I am now dog tired vs before I was just really tired. Before some nights I'd only get 8 (or rarely only 6) but then on Friday nights I'd get 15 or so. Now I know you can't really catch up on sleep, but only getting 9 has got me so worn out. I'm starting to fall asleep driving, on the bus, etc and I'm supposed to be doing this 9 hour thing for another month and a half! I need to call and ask him about this "Periodic Limb Movement Disorder" diagnosis though so maybe I'll mention that I don't think 9 hours is working and see what he says.

Off to sleep so I can wake up at 8!

if my life was made into a movie of the week most people would find it too unbelievable.

it hurts

i feel a literal pain in my chest where my broken heart is. sometimes it hurts so much i can hardly breathe.

i wish it was friday so i could just cry and not have to worry about having puffy eyes at work the next day.

*grumble*

Here's your fair warning. This entire blog is various rants and complaints.


Dear Next Door Neighbor,

I'm very happy for you that you finally took down your Christmas tree. Thank you for sharing it with me by leaving pine needles all over our shared front deck and on each and every stair. Also, thank you for the lovely broken candy cane pieces. If I'm hungry I know where to go. You see, one of the reasons I have a fake tree instead of a real one is that I don't like pine needles tracked all over my house. So maybe, pretty please, you could SWEEP UP THE FUCKING NEEDLES CUZ THEY'RE STICKING TO MY SHOES AND GETTING EVERYWHERE.

********************

Dear Arm & Hammer,

I think it's great when a company continues to try and improve their products for their customers. Like adding ammonia to your kitty litter to help with the smell. The problem is, for some reason ever since you've started producing your "new and improved" litter it doesn't clump anymore. Now, I've considered the possibility that my cat has started making different urine, but in all likelihood it's actually that the ammonia has somehow effected the clumping properties of your litter. But I suppose that's good news for you because then a customer goes through twice as much litter in the same time period so you'll sell more boxes. This is until they figure it out and start buying Tidy Cat. Guess what I just bought at Target tonight?

********************

Dear Sound Transit,

Do you know the driver of the 510 that picks up at 6th & Olive at 7:30pm is an asshole? At the very least he is always 10 minutes late. On Monday he arrived at the exact same time as the 8:00pm bus. He is rude and unfriendly. He is probably the worst driver I've ever ridden with. When he pulls off at 45th and 145th he guns it into the exits and then slams on his brakes at the stop. I have literally fallen off of my seat before. He is also the only driver I ever get bus-sick with because of his ridiculous driving habits. Once when traffic was backed up on I-5 he drove on the shoulder for a distance until the room ran out so he could get ahead of as many cars as possible. Please fire this angry little man. I think we would all be a lot happier.

*******************

Dear Mom,

You were right. I've gained back 10 of the 12 pounds I lost being sick. But hey, at least I didn't put on any holiday weight.

It's Almost a New Year...

And I'm actually a little excited. 2010 must be better than 2009! I mean, I can't think of anything truly horrid that happened to me in 2009 (other than my recent swine flu and pneumonia illness) but it was just a slightly blah year. And all of the good things that happened don't really have their conclusion until 2010. My new nephew will be born in April (or maybe March) and while I met *the boy* in 2009 we won't be able to really talk to each other again until February and he won't be home until May. One thing I haven't really told anyone is that he did come to see me last month...He had a day pass to come to Seattle to sign some legal papers from his last job and showed up on my doorstep as a surprise. He only had 45 minutes or so to spend with me before he had to leave to be back in time for curfew, but it was really great to be with him and see that we still really cared about each other. One of the first things he said to me was how great it felt to be clean, I'm so proud of him :) Another potentially exciting thing in 2010 is that my mommy might move to Wenatchee! It's not 100% sure yet, but they're definitely going to try for it in summer and that would be awesome. I do have a few personal goals, though I won't really call them "resolutions". I'd like to lose another hunk of weight, being sick two weeks ago really gave me a jump start on that! I'd also like to get several projects done around the house and keep it picked up. Part of that is also included in doing a clean sweep through everything I own and taking a few big trips to Goodwill and selling what I can either on ebay, craigslist, or at a swap meet/garage sale. Lastly, I'm going to work on my spending habits and try to make a significant dent in my personal debt. So, here's to a fabulous 2010!