The Path Is A Little Twisted...But I'm On It

When I first started this job 3 years ago I thought my goal was to get over to the private label design side even though my style is not the same as theirs. I figured I wouldn't want to actually design for any of the lines, but would enjoy doing production liaison work or as a technical designer. I really do love putting together spec packages and doing technical sketches and all that...Earlier this year however I was told that wouldn't be a possibility. I had a mini informational interview and was told that because I had gone to school for design so long ago and had been out of the design side for so many years that my education was "irrelevant". I was happy to hear that it had nothing to do with the fact that I never graduated, but definitely a little frustrated that what I'd thought I wanted to do was no longer an option.

Then I got to thinking...I love my job. And while I don't want to stay in my current position forever, the majority of what I do is actually the responsibilities of an Assistant Buyer - I just don't have the title or pay. I also started thinking that maybe I kept feeling like I should go over to the private labels because it was what I went to school for so it's what I *should* do when really I'd rather stay where I am. Since I've made Assistant Buyer my new job goal I've been so much happier and focused and everything.

After talking it over with my boss, her boss, etc etc while the job can't be "promised" to me I am now on the path to that position which should likely be added next year. So next week I have a few test days working in one of our retail stores because the path requires that I leave my office and go work in a store making my way up to Department Manager. Now, most people would probably say Wait - If you're already doing the job why can't you just get the promotion? Well, because that's the way it is. At first I was frustrated, even slightly angry about it...But now I've come to terms with it, and for however long it takes I'll just live on my credit cards if need be because being in the store means relying on commission. The end result is going to be sooooooo worth it though. :)

Again, while the job can't be promised, my boss is already continually making comments like "this is why I need you to come back!" and I've had multiple people question what she's going to do without me. Not to brag or sound boastful, but I honestly really don't know the answer to that. I know our department so well and know her and how she likes things done to perfection. There is so much information in my head that it will be nearly impossible to write a manual for my job or train someone to do everything that I do.

So, wish me luck on this crazy journey...I'm excited and scared and am hoping for the best!

The Best Things in Life Don't Come Easy

Can everything please just go according to the little plans I make in my head for awhile? I'm getting a little tired of all the twists and turns. I think I have something figured out and then whoops, nope, here's a curve ball to throw everything out of whack. Job, money, life, love...it's all been a giant rollercoaster this year when I was looking forward to a nice smooth ride on the merry-go-round.

Oh the anticipation...

So, my mommy gets in town tomorrow night. Now 99.9% of me is uber-excited and happy but then there's that teensy part of me that is dreading it. There was so much I wanted to get done before she got here and none of it got accomplished.

For some reason over the past 5-7 years or so my mom has become a little umm...weight obsessed. On the one hand I know that she's just trying to be helpful and is worried about me or whatever but it really is not a good thing. Plus, giving "tips" and complaining about her own weight (omg she gained .4 pounds this week! - yes, that's point four) isn't that encouraging to hear for someone who is an emotional eater. I get stressed about my weight from some of the things she says and then I just eat more. Last time I saw her was at Christmas - directly after 2 weeks of swine flu and not eating solid foods. I'd lost 12 pounds in 7 days and she kept telling me to watch what I was eating because I was going to gain it back. Well, of course I did because I lost all of it being *deathly ill* but now I've gained even more. Honestly (and this is a little scary to say out loud) I currently weigh the most I ever have in my life. :( I really just don't want her to say *anything* to me about it the entire time she is here because I know it'll just send me over the edge...

I also wanted to get my hair cut and re-dyed. Not really sure why I felt the need to get it done before she saw me, just wanted to.

Lastly, I really wanted to get my house put together a little more. It currently looks like a clutter factory exploded, and again I know she'll give her helpful tips about 10 minute tidies and all. Now, she truly does have good advice when it comes to that but I think she just doesn't understand my lifestyle when it comes to this kind of thing. There are only 24 hours in a day - I'm required to get 9 hours of sleep by my sleep doctor, and between the moment I wake up and the moment I get home from work is usually 11 hours. That leaves me four hours each night to relax, cook dinner, do laundry, watch a little tv, try to clean a little and try (TRY) to exercise...when really all I want to do with that entire 4 hours is slump on the couch and do nothing. I have noticed though that this Provigil is really starting to work so hopefully I can start making more use of that 4 hours.

Well, I'm sure it'll all be fine I just need to remember to stand my ground and remind her I'm doing the best I can.

All the Difference in the World

It's almost a little amazing how much better I feel now that I know. My mind is clear, my smile isn't forced, I feel better than I have in months...and all practically overnight.

Sunday *the boy* mysteriously showed up on my doorstep. Over four months since he moved to California, and I hadn't heard a word from him in all that time. I was telling him that he had no idea how much he'd hurt and destroyed me during that time...he was looking pretty upset himself and said "You don't know how I feel". I just said "So tell me, you've never told me" and he said those three words I'd been longing to hear and wondering if he felt for so long. He was only in town until that night when he had to leave to drive back to San Diego. We made plans for him to come over after he was done packing - supposed to be around 5 or 6 that night.

After he left I cried. Hard. I had no idea what to do or what it all meant. I'd spent the last four months missing him so much and so very in love with a ghost. Every night when I got home I'd look to see if his car was there. Any time I heard someone coming up the stairs my heart would skip a beat and I'd hold my breath waiting to hear the persistent knocking that was his signature.

But, as per usual, he never came back Sunday night. Just hours before he'd said that he loved me, and then didn't bother to show up. But here's the weird thing, I didn't even cry. I didn't cry because this is exactly what I needed - it gave me the closure I'd desperately been seeking since he left. I believe him that he loves me, in the way that he is able. But I now know that he isn't capable of being there for me the way that I need. Previously I could always give him the excuse that his mom had just passed away so he was distraught, that he was on drugs so couldn't be expected to function properly...but this time there was no excuse to give for not showing up. He just didn't do it.

Monday morning I woke up with a smile on my face. In the back of my mind a little part of me wonders if the shit is gonna hit the fan, but not yet it seems. I think I just needed to hear those three words, to know that he does care and love me and it was all real. And to know that there was just no way for it to work out, I no longer have to wonder "what if?"...

Countdown to 30...

So, I am exactly two months away from my 29th birthday. Which, of course, makes me just over a year away from the dreaded 30. I know most people don't see 30 as that big of a deal anymore, but when I figured I'd be married with two kids by the age of 23...well, being 30, single, and childless is kinda stressing. Also, I'm just not entirely happy with where my life is. Sooo, here's my hope for motivation - during the next two months I'm going to try to come up with everything that I would have control over accomplishing by the time I'm 30. I say what I have control over because obviously I can't make a marriage happen or the market pick up so I can sell my place. But I can put myself out there more once I'm ready again and I can work on my place so that when the market is ready so am I. Some of the things I already know to put on the list are to get back in shape, eat better, make more time for *me*, etc. Once I have it all put together I'll post it on here and give periodic updates. Even though no one reads this (except for you sissy lol!) having it as "public" knowledge may help me to be a little more accountable...

Deep Thoughts

Well, not really. I just don't have one big subject I'm ready to write about right now so I thought I'd go for a bunch of little tidbits...

I desperately need to take a day off from work. I can tell I'm getting a little more stressed out than I should be right now. As always, I only have Saturdays off but the last few Saturdays haven't really been "mine". Now, I enjoyed how I spent them but this past Saturday was at my step-niece's 1st birthday party and the week before I was babysitting the bean. The week before that was something too but I can't quite remember...Anyways, I don't know why but I am also so nervous to ask my boss for a day off if I'm not actually going out of town or doing something big. She's never said no and I don't think she ever would say no unless I asked for the day that we had a big meeting or something. So, I neglected to ask her today before I left work and she flies to NY in the morning. I'm thinking though that after I see how much I get done tomorrow I can email her asking if it would be okay to take Friday off. Plus I sometimes feel a little *too* responsible for my department - as in I feel like I shouldn't take a day off when she's in the office because she might need me but I also feel like I shouldn't take a day off when she's out of the office because then there is no one there to take care of whatever issues might come up. I'm not even sure how much PTO I have so I should check that tomorrow too.


I got another stupid parking ticket. Same "violation" this time of blocking access. I am, of course, fighting this one as well and have the perfect reasoning that last time the judge agreed that there is nothing there to block access to and I guess I just won't park there anymore. I'm going to contest this one by mail though because I really don't feel like sitting in a courtroom for two hours.


I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to pay my bills this month. See, I always get paid on the 4th and the 19th which is just well and dandy but because of the way the days fell in February this year that means there was only 9 days in this pay-period instead of the usual 11 or so. I'm sure I'll just end up borrowing some money from Claudia and then taking home some extra work to pay it off, but that then contributes to the working too much = being stressed out thing.


I need to get a resume put back together. I'm not sure what happened to the one I used for the job I have now but I really wish I could've found it. There aren't any openings at this point that I'm interested in but I'd like to be prepared if something comes up. Trying to remember what years I went to what schools though and how to word what I do and all that is hard.


I kinda feel like my brain isn't functioning right. See, I'm an amazing typist. Really, like I just took a test and wasn't trying super-duper hard and got 83 words a minute with no mistakes. But lately I'm not typing the right words. I know what I want to say but my fingers are going to different keys. Usually it's a variation on the word that I started to type and most people might not think it's anything unusual but I'm generally so accurate that it's kinda freaking me out. Probably just another part of that whole stress thing!


Well, the doctor has ordered me to get 9 hours of sleep every night which I'm thinking isn't enough because I am now dog tired vs before I was just really tired. Before some nights I'd only get 8 (or rarely only 6) but then on Friday nights I'd get 15 or so. Now I know you can't really catch up on sleep, but only getting 9 has got me so worn out. I'm starting to fall asleep driving, on the bus, etc and I'm supposed to be doing this 9 hour thing for another month and a half! I need to call and ask him about this "Periodic Limb Movement Disorder" diagnosis though so maybe I'll mention that I don't think 9 hours is working and see what he says.

Off to sleep so I can wake up at 8!

if my life was made into a movie of the week most people would find it too unbelievable.