Well that was interesting...

I had kind of a blah day today and was feeling a little depressed on the way home from work tonight. When I checked my email though I had a message from a guy on okcupid! I went online, checked out his profile, and he actually seemed like someone with potential! So, I messaged him back and then continued to look around on the site. After a couple minutes he popped up in a chat window saying hi - we talked for about an hour and a half and he even gave me his phone # before he said goodnight. We'll see where it goes, could be nothing - could be something. As long as he doesn't take me to build-a-bear if we go out then I'm good!

I'm feeling just a little...

Frustrated.
Annoyed.
Cranky.
Depressed.
Anxious.
Tired.

It shouldn't take this much work to help someone do their job. It's frustrating and even slightly annoying. When is it time to just give up and let it be? And when does common sense kick in? I know I have high expectations, but I feel like it should be easier than this.

I seriously need to call my doctor. Back in March I went on Yaz to try and help with my PMDD but stopped having my "monthly visit". I still had the physical symptoms though which got worse each month as I went longer and longer without a period. Well, that got a little annoying so a couple months ago I went off the Yaz and everything got back to normal...and my emotional symptoms got right back to where they were before the Yaz too. Seriously, there needs to be some kind of happy medium because feeling like crap emotionally for 10 days of the month really sucks.

I also need to meet with my sleep doctor. Half the time I can't remember to take both doses of my awake medicine. When I only take one I'm uber-tired by 5 or 6. When I take both then here I am awake at 12:45 tired but can't fall asleep. When you're required to get 9 hours of sleep at night it really doesn't work out that well. Lord knows I'll probably only get 6 tops tonight.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

This is from a few months ago in Boston, but since the walk in New York next June is part of what is motivitating my change in taking care of my health I thought they would be perfect for today's theme.

A little bit better

On my quest to eating better and working out more I'm starting with baby steps.

My previous morning drink from Starbucks was a Grande non-fat no-whip peppermint mocha - weighing in at 280 calories and 3g fat.

I've switched to a Grande non-fat no-whip (sometimes *light* whip) hot chocolate - only 240 calories and 2.5g fat

It's a teeny-tiny difference, but it's a step and it's cheaper too. I'm going to try and cut down to not every day after awhile, but it's such a social activity at work and I have so many friends working there as well that it makes it hard to not just stop in every morning. The main thing I need to do is stop buying breakfast at Starbucks! Holy crap have you looked at the nutritional information for their food?? But, somehow, even though I know how many WW points that croissant would cost me it's still so hard to say no when it's staring at me from inside the pastry case.

My other baby steps for today:

• At lunch I ordered the Grilled Cheese and Tomato Basil soup. I only ate a few bites of the soup and dipped my sandwich in it because the amount of heavy cream in that soup is atrocious!
• We took a field trip today so I did take a short walk through downtown. Not really exercise, but I moved more than I normally would have.
• On my way home from work I wanted nothing more than to just drive through a fast food place or pick up a pizza at Little Caesars because I did not want to cook or have to wait to eat. Instead I convinced myself to go to Fred Meyer and pick up a few things and made myself a semi-"nutritious" dinner of chicken tenders on southern biscuits. Again, obviously not the *best* choice of meals but considering my original wants it's much better than what I would have ended up with at Wendy's or Jack In The Box.
• Drinking more water! I've been realllly bad for the past week on the amount of water I've been drinking. Today I drank 3 bottles so that's 6 servings. Not quite the suggested 8, but again it's all about the baby steps.

A new path for NaBloPoMo!

For the next month I am going to attempt to participate in NaBloPoMo ~ National Blog Posting Month ~ by writing a blog every single damn day! However, instead of my usual subjects of work, love, and random bits of poetry, I'm going to write about my wins and struggles during my first month of getting back in Shape. Today is November 1st. In just over 6 months, May 21st in fact, I will turn 30. I don't want to be this size, weight, or have my physical activity limited by those when my birthday comes. In just 7 months, June 4th, the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk will take place in New York city. I'm determined to participate, and have not yet decided wether I'd like to walk or work on the crew again. Either way, I'd like to have the choice of walking open and that is only possible with shedding weight and getting myself back in shape.

I plan to do my own version of Weight Watchers and am going to start working out on the elliptical. It will take some time to get everything on track and I'm sure I'll have set backs and times where I fall off the path. I just need to keep reminding myself - a U-turn is better than no turn. Or should I say pulling a whippy?

Unfortunately it takes something like this...

to get me writing again!

Lately with the sudden rash of teenage suicides in the news I have been feeling a pull to get more involved in the AFSP or TWLOHA. Pretty much anyone who knows me knows that I have suffered from depression and suicidal tendencies since the age of 12 or so. Well, I'm about to confess to something that only 4 people know about. I never even told any of my numerous shrinks that I've had over the years. Heck, my sister who is pretty much the only person that reads this doesn't even know. (Sorry sissy!)

For years I cut myself.

It wasn't an every day thing. It wasn't even an every month thing. It was a way of relief when I was so stressed out and the anxiety was too overwhelming. It was something I had control over, and somehow it helped me get through. I want to be perfectly clear that this was not a drastic I need to see my insides and see the blood to know I'm alive type of thing. Quite frankly I'm pretty squeamish when it comes to blood and pain so I would go as lightly as I could stand and still get the release of having control. I'm happy to say that I've been able to fight off the urge and am not currently using this as a means of comfort during hard times. I want to be strong and to be a good role model for my niece and nephew. And I want to help other kids.

I'm not really sure how to do this, it's going to take a bit of research. I don't have the psychological background that most places require for you to actually talk to kids in need even though that's what I feel I might be best at. I want them to see that you can make it through and live a (relatively) normal life. That being "crazy" doesn't make you less of a person, it might just make you more interesting.

Part of what prompted this blog is what happened tonight. Tonight I reposted my personal ad on craigslist. Still not thinking I'll find much, but who knows. The first time the only hate email I got just told me I was fat. Duh, I already know this - you're not telling me anything new. And besides, I got multiple emails telling me how great my boobs looked and only one saying I was fat lol. The hate email that I received tonight was on a much more dangerous level. It read simply:

Go kill ur self. one less fat girl in this state. You people make me sick.

Well, Carl was dumb enough to use his real email address. I'm guessing this may be the reason he only has 8 facebook friends. And of course, I reported him to yahoo for abuse.

To be honest, during the first half-second after I read that I wanted nothing more than to make the pain go away. But I know better. I know that Carl is dumb. I know that my last boyfriend S. couldn't get enough of me. That even if he didn't turn out to be LTR material, he thought I was beautiful and sexy and remembering that gives me more confidence at this size. Of course I'd like to be thinner, for multiple reasons, but I don't think that losing weight should be a prerequisite to finding a boyfriend.

Basically I suppose, to sum it up - I feel stronger where I am now, even if I don't fit in with the social norms. I want everyone to know I'm okay, and I want to help everyone who isn't.

The Path Is A Little Twisted...But I'm On It

When I first started this job 3 years ago I thought my goal was to get over to the private label design side even though my style is not the same as theirs. I figured I wouldn't want to actually design for any of the lines, but would enjoy doing production liaison work or as a technical designer. I really do love putting together spec packages and doing technical sketches and all that...Earlier this year however I was told that wouldn't be a possibility. I had a mini informational interview and was told that because I had gone to school for design so long ago and had been out of the design side for so many years that my education was "irrelevant". I was happy to hear that it had nothing to do with the fact that I never graduated, but definitely a little frustrated that what I'd thought I wanted to do was no longer an option.

Then I got to thinking...I love my job. And while I don't want to stay in my current position forever, the majority of what I do is actually the responsibilities of an Assistant Buyer - I just don't have the title or pay. I also started thinking that maybe I kept feeling like I should go over to the private labels because it was what I went to school for so it's what I *should* do when really I'd rather stay where I am. Since I've made Assistant Buyer my new job goal I've been so much happier and focused and everything.

After talking it over with my boss, her boss, etc etc while the job can't be "promised" to me I am now on the path to that position which should likely be added next year. So next week I have a few test days working in one of our retail stores because the path requires that I leave my office and go work in a store making my way up to Department Manager. Now, most people would probably say Wait - If you're already doing the job why can't you just get the promotion? Well, because that's the way it is. At first I was frustrated, even slightly angry about it...But now I've come to terms with it, and for however long it takes I'll just live on my credit cards if need be because being in the store means relying on commission. The end result is going to be sooooooo worth it though. :)

Again, while the job can't be promised, my boss is already continually making comments like "this is why I need you to come back!" and I've had multiple people question what she's going to do without me. Not to brag or sound boastful, but I honestly really don't know the answer to that. I know our department so well and know her and how she likes things done to perfection. There is so much information in my head that it will be nearly impossible to write a manual for my job or train someone to do everything that I do.

So, wish me luck on this crazy journey...I'm excited and scared and am hoping for the best!