Fall!

Brrr! It went from sunshine and 80 degrees to stormy and lower than 60 pretty darn quick around here! I'm almost tempted to turn on the heat, though I think I'm going to try and make it awhile longer without. The hard thing is that with the units on each side of me empty I'm not getting the insulation type of heat that I normally did from them last fall. I know I was saying just last week that I was ready for fall to be here so I could break out my boots and sweaters and corduroy, but now looking at my wardrobe I need to do a little shopping to have more warm clothes! I think last year at this time I was still a size or so bigger than I am now so I don't have a lot left for the fall/winter season. And then there's the things that I've had *too* long that are starting to look more than a little worn... Here's hoping for a good sale at Old Navy...though I should probably check to see what the Rack has since I've got a $20 Nordy Note that's been sitting around.

*************

And special thanks to sissy for making it so people can actually comment on my bloggy! Now I'll start writing more again since people can now say something about it!

Hibernation...

OMG, I feel like a sleepy bear! Last night I somehow stayed up until 2:30 in the morning. I woke up at 6:08 wondering what the hell that noise was - turns out the sky was *dumping* rain. I went back to sleep and didn't wake up again until, get this, 4:30. At night. Like I basically slept 14 hours straight, but I still felt tired. Then, after I watched "Psych" on demand I fell asleep on the couch - for an hour and a half!!! Now I feel super-energized and motivated. I know I've been uber stressed at work for the past couple weeks and of course the last week of boy-trouble hasn't helped. I guess having a day where I could actually sleep for as long as I could was just what this lil bear needed! Now, I'm just worried about being able to go to sleep tonight and wake up for work in the morning...

Grrr...

How come the stupid comments part doesn't work on my bloggy?? This is frustrating!

A few days...

and still hurt. I haven't seen or heard from him in a week and a half. I'm done for now. I can't try to make a relationship with someone who apparently isn't able to include *me* with the things that are important in his life. Honestly, I think he forgot. I seriously think that he actually forgot that we had plans for Wednesday. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. On the one hand it means that he didn't intentionally stand me up, on the other hand I'd been looking forward to it for a week and that would mean he had never given it a second thought. And if he did forget there is the slight explanation that we made plans on the 2nd - he then went on vacation for 4 days, has a lot going on with his family (mom, ex-wife, daughter, etc.) and a huge project at work that'd been keeping him there for 10 hour days. We didn't see or talk to each other between the time we made the plans and the actual night of the "date"...so I can kinda-sorta-maybe see how a guy with a lot on his mind might forget without a reminder. *However* this is all the more reason for him to get a goddam fucking phone and even if he forgot that night, he should've remembered by now since he hasn't seen me since the 2nd!

I'm giving him absolutely no excuse for not showing up or not calling me on Wednesday, however the rest of what's gone on between us has blame on both sides. He said we needed to start over and take it slower and be friends and I wasn't happy with that and kept pushing for more. Yes, he would randomly show up on my doorstep - but half the time I jumped on him so it wasn't just him showing up to get laid. He was actually even the one who said we should *stop* sleeping together. But being a girl, sex gets me more emotionally involved...I just didn't stop to realize that guys don't really work the same way. I didn't want to stop or slow down either because I was freaked out about the fact that I had slept with him. Here's my dirty little secret - before him, I'd never slept with someone I wasn't in love with. Yes, I'm old fashioned. Yes, I'm a bit naive. But it really messed with my head that I could've slept with someone and then had it turn into nothing so I was desperate to make it something significant as quickly as possible.

I'm not saying he deserves or will get a second chance. I won't know that until I see him next and find out what he thinks happened. He'd have to do a lot to earn my trust again...which brings up another problem. Since I'm such an open book about everything in my life with my friends, they now all pretty much hate him. So, if by some crazy chance we do end up giving it another shot I'm not sure if anyone will really be accepting of it or if they'll all just think I'm lame and he's an asshole.

~*pissed*~

I can't believe he stood me up. I mean, yes, it's been a week since I've seen/spoken to him. But we made plans - I was pretty fucking clear. "Next Wednesday you're coming over after work and we're hanging out." No excuse. Even if for some reason he got off work uber-late or had to take care of his mom from the chemo or something...fucking give in and call me and do the decent thing to let me know. Sadly, this doesn't take my feelings completely off the table. I still of course really like him and care about him, I'm just pissed and my feelings are hurt. All I can say is hopefully I'll see him tomorrow so I can tell him what he did and find out wtf happened.

tarot

so, tonight was the girl's night out mariner's game at safeco field. it was fun, but the only part i'm going to write about is my amazingly telling tarot reading. he asked if there was an area i wanted the reading to focus on and i just "oh just the usual - love and relationships and whatever" He asked if i was currently in a relationship and i think i just said "sort of"...i shuffled the deck, split it, and he went to work. the first card he turned - the lovers. the next card - the three of swords. honestly i can't remember right now the third card he turned. he explained that the first card showed there was definitely a relationship and that the second card was my uncertainty in the relationship. that i'm questioning it. yes, i understand that he could have gotten all of that out of my "sort of" response but the fact that those cards turned up first was pretty spooky. I can't remember the names of the rest of them but here's the run-down of what he said they all meant:

there's a relationship that i'm questioning about whether or not it's worth it for me to stay. that it took me a long time to meet this person. he said that i was just out of a significant relationship in the past year or two (not true - it's been 3-1/2 years) and that the other person in this current relationship just had one end in the last year (i'm pretty sure that's right. i know he's been divorced for about 4 years but from what he's said the last person he dated ended a year or so ago) he said that the things that i'm questioning will be answered soon - that he couldn't tell an exact timeline but no longer than a month and a half. that the other person had a lot of things that they were dealing with and that i needed to be patient. he pulled the death card, which of course doesn't actually mean someone's going to die, it is a card of transformation showing that a big change is coming soon. he also pulled a card showing that this current relationship - if i allow myself to be patient - will be significant lasting at the very least a year but most likely much longer...

there was more things that he said but i'm tired and can't remember right now. i know that it's the same as horoscopes - you can always read into it whatever you want - but it was pretty damn spooky to have all of those cards turn up in the order they did...

Bleh...just writing it out...

So, it's been just over a month since I met "the boy". It seems like so much longer, and I feel absolutely insane. Here I am falling incredibly hard for a guy that I'm not even with right now. It's been so hard and I feel like it shouldn't be so very difficult at the beginning of something like this. Obviously, what he is going through is much worse than my own stupid insecurities and it's not like either of us could have had any idea that a bomb like this would be dropped so shortly after meeting one another...On the one hand, I can see the look on his face when he talks to me. I feel in my gut that he's being honest when he says that he wants to do this right. That he wants to be in a relationship with me but that because of everything else the timing isn't right. On the other hand, if any girlfriend of mine was telling me all of this I'd say she was crazy to wait around. I feel horrible because I feel like I'm waiting for his mother to die to be able to be together. And then when she's gone he'll probably be too devastated to be in a relationship. It's so complicated and messed up and if I didn't have this crazy gut instinct that this is real that this could be "it" then I wouldn't even be thinking so hard about it all. There's just some weird special connection there. I know I always fall hard and fast and am thinking that any guy I talk to for more than a day could be "the one" but this is different. I didn't even feel this way so quickly about my last ex. The first week and a half was perfect and he even confessed to me too that there's just something extra there between us. He was (and still is) incredibly sweet. Told me the first day he met me that he was going to court me. The next day we saw each other and he said that he had a song stuck in his head and didn't know where it came from because he hadn't heard it in forever. Then he started goofily singing to me "Loooving you is easy cuz you're beautiful na na na na na..." and on and on. Some people might think that's a little weird, but to me it was incredibly sweet and cute and it made me smile. I want that part back. I want the us holding hands and me leaning my head on his shoulder and him coming over to my car to kiss me as soon as I get out at the P&R. I want it to be easy again.