So, here goes...

I'm going to attempt to cover what happened just over two weeks ago with "the boy". I'm not going to go in to as much detail as I normally would, just because this is a topic that is pretty personal for me and I know that not everyone understands why I still feel the way I do...

Anyways, Friday the 13th - I'd already known that he was leaving that day to go to rehab and though he'd said that he wanted to come see me to say goodbye before he went, I wasn't all that surprised that he'd never shown up. I was headed to work early (for me) that day and was driving to the park and ride annoyed that some car was riding my ass. Finally we got to a red light and I looked in my rear view mirror to glare at them - and was shocked to see that it was him honking, waving, and motioning me to pull over into the gas station on the corner. I did and he pulled in right next to me, jumped out of his car without even turning it off, and quickly got into my passenger seat. Apparently he'd been following me all the way from my house! He'd just pulled onto my street when I pulled out of my driveway and since I didn't know what his new car looked like I hadn't recognized it. He laughed that he'd been honking at me most of the way down Evergreen Way but could see me singing so he figured I must have my radio up too loud. I was just so happy to see him, and I could tell a real difference in him from the last time I'd seen him. We talked about where he'd been, what he'd been using, and the fact that he was now 5 days clean and leaving for rehab in 2 and a half hours. We agreed that he'd come back to my place since he had some time so we could really talk all this out. It was all the little things that showed me that he was truly getting back to being the guy I met - the stupid little jokes, the way he actually looked me in the eyes, how he held me. And to me this one moment was so amazing...We'd been just standing in my living room, holding each other and talking when he pushed me out a little, put his hands on the back of my neck and said "I need to ask you something. Look me in the eye and tell me...do you want to be with me when I get back?" That question and the way he said it showed me something more...he wasn't asking because he needed me, or wanted me to take care of him or fix everything, or was scared. He was asking because he wanted me. And he wanted to make sure that I wanted him too. We spent the next two hours curled up together and talking.

Now I get that no one understands why I'd want to put myself into a relationship with a recovering addict. I will say that he said he wanted to be sure I knew he already knows he doesn't plan to drink again for the rest of his life. He said that it was "a pretty big catalyst that set me off" but that he just doesn't want to do it. I think he said it that way to try and tell me that he didn't want me to worry about having to keep watching him forever. I know it'd be the third relationship with an addict in my life, but I look at it that he wasn't using when I met him and that he at least realized he had a problem and he isn't looking to me to fix it - he's doing that himself. My first boyfriend I think knew he had a problem but didn't care at the time. He is in fact now sober and a born-again Christian. My second never thought he had a problem with weed even though he smoked multiple times a day nearly every day and went back and forth on whether or not he thought of himself as an alcoholic - but as far as I know he's still never done anything about it. To me it's a different situation to be with an addict in recovery because it's someone who doesn't want to use again. Also, he knows that I won't put up with someone that's using, I just can't and won't put myself into that situation again. So the countdown is on...another 75 days until I can talk to him again.

Hopefully everyone can be supportive of me. And him. And us. I know that everyone just wants what they think is best for me...but somehow I feel what's best for me is to be with someone that makes me happy, loves me for who I am, and just wants me for me.

~*pissed*~

I can't believe he stood me up. I mean, yes, it's been a week since I've seen/spoken to him. But we made plans - I was pretty fucking clear. "Next Wednesday you're coming over after work and we're hanging out." No excuse. Even if for some reason he got off work uber-late or had to take care of his mom from the chemo or something...fucking give in and call me and do the decent thing to let me know. Sadly, this doesn't take my feelings completely off the table. I still of course really like him and care about him, I'm just pissed and my feelings are hurt. All I can say is hopefully I'll see him tomorrow so I can tell him what he did and find out wtf happened.

*sigh*

Somehow I'm always screwing up the possibilities of a relationship. I shouldn't jump ahead of myself I suppose, in fact that's what I always do that ruins things so maybe I really haven't done anything yet. Ugh. Unfortunately there's no real way to know until tomorrow. The thing is, I actually really like this guy. I mean, it's just barely been over a week and I'm falling head over heels for him and screwing it up at the same time. I don't know how to handle a guy actually being nice to me. Granted, my previous relationships started out nice - otherwise they wouldn't have lasted as long as they did. But, in the end, every guy turned in to an asshole. I've been unknowingly cheated with, cheated on, and abused in every way (physically, emotionally, and yes...technically the other). I went through years of counseling and finally realised that I deserved better and that I can be with someone who wants me for me, not as someone to take care of them or just be there for them to use. But now that I'm dating, or whatever it is we're doing, a guy who actually opens doors, pulls out chairs, thinks I'm beautiful...basically everything that a girl could want...well, I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan. It's making me hold back when all I really should be doing is enjoying this and trusting myself and opening up to trusting him. And then I did it. I pulled the move that will most likely send him running. Last week on our first actual date he asked me what my biggest flaw was (yes, he had interesting questions all night). I told him I was messy. Like, really messy. And I am, but it generally comes and goes in phases. Well, tonight I texted him that I realized that my biggest flaw is not that I'm messy, but that I'm so used to having assholes in my life that when an awesome guy is right in front of me I'm still waiting for something to go wrong. I said that hopefully it didn't weird him out because I like him and that now that I know that's what I was doing I'm going to stop. So there's basically two ways this can turn out. Either he'll realize that I really like him and was just a little gun-shy, or he'll take it the wrong way and decide I must have too much baggage and he won't want to deal with it. I probably shouldn't have even said anything at all. And now I will spend the next 10 hours wondering how much I fucked this up.