A little bit better

On my quest to eating better and working out more I'm starting with baby steps.

My previous morning drink from Starbucks was a Grande non-fat no-whip peppermint mocha - weighing in at 280 calories and 3g fat.

I've switched to a Grande non-fat no-whip (sometimes *light* whip) hot chocolate - only 240 calories and 2.5g fat

It's a teeny-tiny difference, but it's a step and it's cheaper too. I'm going to try and cut down to not every day after awhile, but it's such a social activity at work and I have so many friends working there as well that it makes it hard to not just stop in every morning. The main thing I need to do is stop buying breakfast at Starbucks! Holy crap have you looked at the nutritional information for their food?? But, somehow, even though I know how many WW points that croissant would cost me it's still so hard to say no when it's staring at me from inside the pastry case.

My other baby steps for today:

• At lunch I ordered the Grilled Cheese and Tomato Basil soup. I only ate a few bites of the soup and dipped my sandwich in it because the amount of heavy cream in that soup is atrocious!
• We took a field trip today so I did take a short walk through downtown. Not really exercise, but I moved more than I normally would have.
• On my way home from work I wanted nothing more than to just drive through a fast food place or pick up a pizza at Little Caesars because I did not want to cook or have to wait to eat. Instead I convinced myself to go to Fred Meyer and pick up a few things and made myself a semi-"nutritious" dinner of chicken tenders on southern biscuits. Again, obviously not the *best* choice of meals but considering my original wants it's much better than what I would have ended up with at Wendy's or Jack In The Box.
• Drinking more water! I've been realllly bad for the past week on the amount of water I've been drinking. Today I drank 3 bottles so that's 6 servings. Not quite the suggested 8, but again it's all about the baby steps.

A new path for NaBloPoMo!

For the next month I am going to attempt to participate in NaBloPoMo ~ National Blog Posting Month ~ by writing a blog every single damn day! However, instead of my usual subjects of work, love, and random bits of poetry, I'm going to write about my wins and struggles during my first month of getting back in Shape. Today is November 1st. In just over 6 months, May 21st in fact, I will turn 30. I don't want to be this size, weight, or have my physical activity limited by those when my birthday comes. In just 7 months, June 4th, the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk will take place in New York city. I'm determined to participate, and have not yet decided wether I'd like to walk or work on the crew again. Either way, I'd like to have the choice of walking open and that is only possible with shedding weight and getting myself back in shape.

I plan to do my own version of Weight Watchers and am going to start working out on the elliptical. It will take some time to get everything on track and I'm sure I'll have set backs and times where I fall off the path. I just need to keep reminding myself - a U-turn is better than no turn. Or should I say pulling a whippy?

Unfortunately it takes something like this...

to get me writing again!

Lately with the sudden rash of teenage suicides in the news I have been feeling a pull to get more involved in the AFSP or TWLOHA. Pretty much anyone who knows me knows that I have suffered from depression and suicidal tendencies since the age of 12 or so. Well, I'm about to confess to something that only 4 people know about. I never even told any of my numerous shrinks that I've had over the years. Heck, my sister who is pretty much the only person that reads this doesn't even know. (Sorry sissy!)

For years I cut myself.

It wasn't an every day thing. It wasn't even an every month thing. It was a way of relief when I was so stressed out and the anxiety was too overwhelming. It was something I had control over, and somehow it helped me get through. I want to be perfectly clear that this was not a drastic I need to see my insides and see the blood to know I'm alive type of thing. Quite frankly I'm pretty squeamish when it comes to blood and pain so I would go as lightly as I could stand and still get the release of having control. I'm happy to say that I've been able to fight off the urge and am not currently using this as a means of comfort during hard times. I want to be strong and to be a good role model for my niece and nephew. And I want to help other kids.

I'm not really sure how to do this, it's going to take a bit of research. I don't have the psychological background that most places require for you to actually talk to kids in need even though that's what I feel I might be best at. I want them to see that you can make it through and live a (relatively) normal life. That being "crazy" doesn't make you less of a person, it might just make you more interesting.

Part of what prompted this blog is what happened tonight. Tonight I reposted my personal ad on craigslist. Still not thinking I'll find much, but who knows. The first time the only hate email I got just told me I was fat. Duh, I already know this - you're not telling me anything new. And besides, I got multiple emails telling me how great my boobs looked and only one saying I was fat lol. The hate email that I received tonight was on a much more dangerous level. It read simply:

Go kill ur self. one less fat girl in this state. You people make me sick.

Well, Carl was dumb enough to use his real email address. I'm guessing this may be the reason he only has 8 facebook friends. And of course, I reported him to yahoo for abuse.

To be honest, during the first half-second after I read that I wanted nothing more than to make the pain go away. But I know better. I know that Carl is dumb. I know that my last boyfriend S. couldn't get enough of me. That even if he didn't turn out to be LTR material, he thought I was beautiful and sexy and remembering that gives me more confidence at this size. Of course I'd like to be thinner, for multiple reasons, but I don't think that losing weight should be a prerequisite to finding a boyfriend.

Basically I suppose, to sum it up - I feel stronger where I am now, even if I don't fit in with the social norms. I want everyone to know I'm okay, and I want to help everyone who isn't.

The Path Is A Little Twisted...But I'm On It

When I first started this job 3 years ago I thought my goal was to get over to the private label design side even though my style is not the same as theirs. I figured I wouldn't want to actually design for any of the lines, but would enjoy doing production liaison work or as a technical designer. I really do love putting together spec packages and doing technical sketches and all that...Earlier this year however I was told that wouldn't be a possibility. I had a mini informational interview and was told that because I had gone to school for design so long ago and had been out of the design side for so many years that my education was "irrelevant". I was happy to hear that it had nothing to do with the fact that I never graduated, but definitely a little frustrated that what I'd thought I wanted to do was no longer an option.

Then I got to thinking...I love my job. And while I don't want to stay in my current position forever, the majority of what I do is actually the responsibilities of an Assistant Buyer - I just don't have the title or pay. I also started thinking that maybe I kept feeling like I should go over to the private labels because it was what I went to school for so it's what I *should* do when really I'd rather stay where I am. Since I've made Assistant Buyer my new job goal I've been so much happier and focused and everything.

After talking it over with my boss, her boss, etc etc while the job can't be "promised" to me I am now on the path to that position which should likely be added next year. So next week I have a few test days working in one of our retail stores because the path requires that I leave my office and go work in a store making my way up to Department Manager. Now, most people would probably say Wait - If you're already doing the job why can't you just get the promotion? Well, because that's the way it is. At first I was frustrated, even slightly angry about it...But now I've come to terms with it, and for however long it takes I'll just live on my credit cards if need be because being in the store means relying on commission. The end result is going to be sooooooo worth it though. :)

Again, while the job can't be promised, my boss is already continually making comments like "this is why I need you to come back!" and I've had multiple people question what she's going to do without me. Not to brag or sound boastful, but I honestly really don't know the answer to that. I know our department so well and know her and how she likes things done to perfection. There is so much information in my head that it will be nearly impossible to write a manual for my job or train someone to do everything that I do.

So, wish me luck on this crazy journey...I'm excited and scared and am hoping for the best!

The Best Things in Life Don't Come Easy

Can everything please just go according to the little plans I make in my head for awhile? I'm getting a little tired of all the twists and turns. I think I have something figured out and then whoops, nope, here's a curve ball to throw everything out of whack. Job, money, life, love...it's all been a giant rollercoaster this year when I was looking forward to a nice smooth ride on the merry-go-round.

Oh the anticipation...

So, my mommy gets in town tomorrow night. Now 99.9% of me is uber-excited and happy but then there's that teensy part of me that is dreading it. There was so much I wanted to get done before she got here and none of it got accomplished.

For some reason over the past 5-7 years or so my mom has become a little umm...weight obsessed. On the one hand I know that she's just trying to be helpful and is worried about me or whatever but it really is not a good thing. Plus, giving "tips" and complaining about her own weight (omg she gained .4 pounds this week! - yes, that's point four) isn't that encouraging to hear for someone who is an emotional eater. I get stressed about my weight from some of the things she says and then I just eat more. Last time I saw her was at Christmas - directly after 2 weeks of swine flu and not eating solid foods. I'd lost 12 pounds in 7 days and she kept telling me to watch what I was eating because I was going to gain it back. Well, of course I did because I lost all of it being *deathly ill* but now I've gained even more. Honestly (and this is a little scary to say out loud) I currently weigh the most I ever have in my life. :( I really just don't want her to say *anything* to me about it the entire time she is here because I know it'll just send me over the edge...

I also wanted to get my hair cut and re-dyed. Not really sure why I felt the need to get it done before she saw me, just wanted to.

Lastly, I really wanted to get my house put together a little more. It currently looks like a clutter factory exploded, and again I know she'll give her helpful tips about 10 minute tidies and all. Now, she truly does have good advice when it comes to that but I think she just doesn't understand my lifestyle when it comes to this kind of thing. There are only 24 hours in a day - I'm required to get 9 hours of sleep by my sleep doctor, and between the moment I wake up and the moment I get home from work is usually 11 hours. That leaves me four hours each night to relax, cook dinner, do laundry, watch a little tv, try to clean a little and try (TRY) to exercise...when really all I want to do with that entire 4 hours is slump on the couch and do nothing. I have noticed though that this Provigil is really starting to work so hopefully I can start making more use of that 4 hours.

Well, I'm sure it'll all be fine I just need to remember to stand my ground and remind her I'm doing the best I can.

All the Difference in the World

It's almost a little amazing how much better I feel now that I know. My mind is clear, my smile isn't forced, I feel better than I have in months...and all practically overnight.

Sunday *the boy* mysteriously showed up on my doorstep. Over four months since he moved to California, and I hadn't heard a word from him in all that time. I was telling him that he had no idea how much he'd hurt and destroyed me during that time...he was looking pretty upset himself and said "You don't know how I feel". I just said "So tell me, you've never told me" and he said those three words I'd been longing to hear and wondering if he felt for so long. He was only in town until that night when he had to leave to drive back to San Diego. We made plans for him to come over after he was done packing - supposed to be around 5 or 6 that night.

After he left I cried. Hard. I had no idea what to do or what it all meant. I'd spent the last four months missing him so much and so very in love with a ghost. Every night when I got home I'd look to see if his car was there. Any time I heard someone coming up the stairs my heart would skip a beat and I'd hold my breath waiting to hear the persistent knocking that was his signature.

But, as per usual, he never came back Sunday night. Just hours before he'd said that he loved me, and then didn't bother to show up. But here's the weird thing, I didn't even cry. I didn't cry because this is exactly what I needed - it gave me the closure I'd desperately been seeking since he left. I believe him that he loves me, in the way that he is able. But I now know that he isn't capable of being there for me the way that I need. Previously I could always give him the excuse that his mom had just passed away so he was distraught, that he was on drugs so couldn't be expected to function properly...but this time there was no excuse to give for not showing up. He just didn't do it.

Monday morning I woke up with a smile on my face. In the back of my mind a little part of me wonders if the shit is gonna hit the fan, but not yet it seems. I think I just needed to hear those three words, to know that he does care and love me and it was all real. And to know that there was just no way for it to work out, I no longer have to wonder "what if?"...