*blurb*

So just a few little updates for tonight...

I did end up getting those Harajuku Lovers shoes from my earlier blog. I was finally convinced by two major things - I tried them on and they were actually *comfortable*. Which is of course unusual for 5" heels. The second thing was that I was able to get them for an incredibly low price of $27 after tax!

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I figured out why I needed a larger size than normal in those jeans from Old Navy - it's the special little 1% of Lycra! My other jeans have all been 99% Cotton 1% Lycra and the pair that I bought was just 100% Cotton so there wasn't that extra bit of stretch =)

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I got a little spritzer sample of the Michael Kors Very Hollywood perfume. I'm pretty convinced that I'm going to buy it next week during Beauty Bonanza, but I wanted to be able to actually wear it for a few days in a row to make sure that I really *love* love it.

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I've decided to take the next 6 months to get my life back together. This means getting healthier - eating better, exercising, losing weight. This means getting my house cleaned and organized and doing what little projects I can around the place to improve the looks of it. I'm also going to do my best to start controlling my finances more. Things didn't go how I thought they would with Q's "cost of living" going down so I'm going to need to really step it up to start paying everything off. And, obviously, it's not just a coincidence that the boy will be back in 6 months. While he's working on bettering himself and getting his shit back together I'd like to do the same.

My Current Life in 90 Questions

Yup...don't feel much like writing today - have to think it out before I can write it out...so here's a fun little survey of goodness.

1. What was the highlight of your week? this morning when I got some answers
2. Whose car were you in last? my own...before that, umm...kristen's?
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? from the sound of it...six months. maybe 3.
4. What color shirt are you wearing? charcoal grey
5. How long is your hair? getting to be shoulder length - I really need to get it cut.
6. Are you good looking? i'm fair looking. gonna start working on getting back in shape.
7. Last movie you watched? i lovey ou man
8. Who were you with? when i watched the movie? no one.
9. Last thing you ate? a donut
10. Last thing you drank? water?
11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? really truly broken hard? 3 years ago.
12. Who came over last? "the boy" =)
13. Are you happy right now? yes.
14. What did you say last? "love you" when i hung up from my mommy.
15. Where is your phone? right next to me on the table
16. What color are your eyes? hazel
17. Are you left-handed? nope
18. Spell your name without vowels: lss
19. Do you have any pets? yup my lil qbear
20. Favorite Vacation? it's been a really long time since i had a real vacation...
21. What do you dislike currently? judgement
22. What are you listening to? the soup presents greatest talk show moments
23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? money
24. What is your favorite scent? warm vanilla sugar, vanilla peppermint, or MK Very Hollywood
25. Who makes you happiest? family, friends, and love
26. What were you doing at midnight last night? trying to fall asleep
27. When is your birthday? may 21st
28. Who has the same phone as you? honestly i don't know anyone else that has an alias
29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? this summer when i did water aerobics with carla
30. Do you read your horoscope? sometimes
31. Where was the last place you bought something? starbucks this morning =)
32. How do you feel about your hair right now? like i said, really needs a cut
33. Do you bite your nails? nope
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery? yeah, but just stuff i need to sell
36. Myspace or facebook? facebook (where's 35??)
37. How fast have you driven a car? close to 100 but never over
38. Have you ever smoked? nope, filthy habit
39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? draping
40. Do you have Verizon? yup
41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? rockers...which is why this boy is so different
42. Do you have any hidden talents? i can look at a piece of fabric and tell you what it would be best made into
43. Favorite Song? i've got a lot...but right now i'm digging "Little Bit" by Lykke Li
44. Do you like to sing at all? Only alone in the shower or in the car
45. Dream Job? to own my own boutique with my designs and other local designers stuff.
46. Where does most of your family live? Northwest - Washington, Idaho, Montana
47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? one sissy growing up - multiple steps now
48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? nope.
49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? ugh i want to sleep more
50. Do you drink? occassionally.
51. Know any other languages? i can speak a teeny tiny bit of french and spanish
52. Ever write a coded message? what?
53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? yup. twice. flower girl when i was little, MOH for my sissy
54. Do you have any children? just a furry cat-child
55. Did you take a nap today? nope. worked all day.
56. Who has the same birthday as you? Mr. T
57. Ever met anyone famous before? Yup, met Gwen Stefani this summer.
58. Do you want to be famous one day? not really
59. Any Pet Peeves? multiple but for some reason i can't really think of any to list
60. Are you multitasking right now? only if watching chelsea lately and taking a survey counts...
61. Do you like Britany Spears? no. not even a little.
62. What is your least favorite chore? all of them...but prolly dusting or vaccumming.
63. Last place you drove your car? home from the park and ride
64. Ever been out of the country? for the first time this summer - went to canada woo hoo!
65. Where were you born? redmond, wa
66. Could you handle being in the military? no
67. What is your average cell phone bill? same every month - $52
68. Who are you thinking about right now? the boy
69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? dwarf time with Laura last Friday
70. How many pairs of shoes do you own? too many. over 50
71. Are your toes always painted? not right now
72. How many piercings do you have? just my ears
73. What are you doing today? the days almost over. spent my morning with the boy, then worked
74. Have you ever been gambling? yup. i was up for awhile but then played it all away.
75. When is the last time you updated your page? couple weeks ago
76. Do you like rollercoasters? only little ones
77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? disneyland twice
78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? buttercup from the powerpuff girls
79. Last thing you cooked? halfway homemade pizza
80. How's the weather? COLD! actually had to use my ice scraper tonight!
81. Do you e-mail? seriously? who doesn't?
82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? dropped it in a huge puddle - but it lived.
83. Last time you were sick? a couple weeks ago
84. What states have you lived in? just washington
85. Do you wish you could move? YES! closer to seattle
86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes? um. no.
87. What is your dream car? 66 mustang
88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have? who hasn't?
89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? too many places!
90. Are you happy with your life? yeah, i really am. i feel hopeful and motivated and like things are right.

So this new song "Russian Roulette" by Rihanna is really bothering me. Now if you just listen to it and take it at face value for the words written it's kinda saying that death and a game that potentially ends in suicide is scary but in the end something that's okay to do. If you're not familiar with the lyrics, here they are:

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

(chorus)
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he’s here means he’s never lost

(chorus)

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late to think of the value of my life

(chorus)

and then at the end of the song is a freaking gunshot.

So maybe I just initially see the suicide part because of my history and involvement with that. I actually googled "Rihanna Russian Roulette Meaning" and was able to find a quote from Rihanna herself on what the song is about.

"It was about being in a relationship and being afraid of getting hurt in the end," said Rihanna. "Which is kind of the same feeling you go through playing the game of Russian Roulette. You know that somebody could get hurt in the end, and you're just terrified that it's gonna be you."

I get that she obviously went through a lot in a very public spotlight with Chris Brown and that we write what we now...but here's an idea for a better ending to the song - "click". SURVIVE. Don't take the flipping bullet. Regardless of what this song is meant to represent it really bothers me every time I hear it - honestly I'd rather listen to Britney sing about threesomes *shudder*

Not how I'd planned...

So Quentin had his ultrasound today to determine if he can go off the chemo. Well, the good news is that he's basically done with chemo - I'm supposed to finish out the bottle of pills that he has now and then he's done. Unfortunately, that's the only part that's stopping. I guess I didn't remember everything correctly, but he still has to take the prednisone every other night and go in for ultrasounds every 3 months. That means I'll still have basically all of the expenses as before. Most people think the chemo is what's expensive but really that's only about $35 a month - the cost is in the ultrasounds, blood work, and vet visits. It sounds like he won't need to go in for the blood work as often but the ultrasounds are still nearly $200 each time :( I forgot to ask what to do about the week I'm in Montana in December. With him still needing the prednisone every other day that'd be going 3-4 days without it...

Short & Sweet for 11/10

Yup, here I am again with the after midnight blog. So I'm keeping this short and sweet because I have to wake up extra early tomorrow because Quentin has an ultrasound at his oncologist which means I need to drop him off there before 9am. Most days I'm not even *awake* before 9am! My goal is to actually wake up super early and be fully ready for work when I drop him off so I can go straight there since I'll most likely end up only working a half day. I hate making him stay in the kennel all day after he's done since he's so miserable there plus I'll need to actually meet with his doctor to discuss where we're at with his treatment. Like I said yesterday, with any luck I'll start weaning him off the chemo which will mean a lot less vet bills and the fact that I'll actually be able to be away from home overnight. It reallly better happen because I already planned a week long trip to Montana for Christmas and there's no way he'll take his meds from anyone but me. So ni night and keep your fingers crossed that all goes well!

Hard Times

So it's obviously no news to anyone that the economy sucks and everyone is having hard times. I may have a job, own my home, and have a car but I, like many others, suddenly found myself accumulating credit card debt. Now for me, it was a personal decision that started the majority of what I currently owe. When Quentin, my kitty, was diagnosed with cancer there was absolutely no pause in whether or not I should treat him. I took a deep breath and handed over my little piece of plastic, same way I do every time he goes in for blood work, an ultrasound, or when I need to refill his prescriptions. On Wednesday he goes in for an ultrasound and if everything goes according to plan he'll be weaned off the chemo and be done with his treatment. But really, this blog isn't about Quentin, it's about people begging for money...

The other day I was walking through the parking lot of Fred Meyer back to my car when a guy in his early to mid-twenties approached me and said that he was really sorry to ask but he was running late to pick up his daughter but he was out of gas and did I have a couple dollars I could give him so he could get her. I said my usual "Sorry, I don't carry cash" and kept on walking. Here's the thing. Tonight I was walking through the parking lot at Target to my car - same guy, same line. I shook my head, laughed, and said "You just used the same line on me two days ago at Fred Meyer." He just mumbled something about how he was supposed to get paid and his check didn't come and blah blah blah. I work hard for my money - so hard for it honey! I work two jobs, six sometimes seven days a week. I'm sorry, I understand that jobs are hard to come by right now but asking me to *give* you my hard earned cash in what turns out to obviously be a scam is redunkulous.

Working in downtown Seattle and waiting for the bus I run into a lot of people asking for "spare change". I've been known to give my leftover lunch to someone sitting on the street, but I will almost never give money. The only exception to that is kids. I know that for kids it's different. For some of course it's just the rebelling and the drugs and the getting away from the parents...but for others it's because there really does seem like there's nowhere to turn. Whether it's abuse, having a family that doesn't accept your sexual orientation, whatever...those are times where I know often the streets seem a lot more appealing than foster care or some of the other options. I still don't like to give money, there's always the thought that it'd be used towards something along the lines of drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes, but the kids I feel a lot worse for because I know that usually it means they've been through something pretty bad.

Don't get me wrong, I know homelessness can happen to anyone. Volunteering at the United Way Community Outreach last year was heartbreaking and eyeopening. Homelessness can be unavoidable - but begging for money is always a choice.

Christmas Countdown!

In just over six weeks I will be on my way to spend a week with my mommy. I'm soooo excited to get to see her and spend Christmas with her and my step-dad. On the one hand, it was a really hard decision to make - either spend the first Christmas ever without my mom or the first Christmas without my sister. I'm still reallly sad and actually kinda upset over us not all being together for the first time in my life. Christmas is my very favorite time of year - the food, the decorations, the music...but most of all the family. The only way I could even really make my decision was knowing that I can see my sister much more often than I have chances to see my mom and my sister will have her husband, daughter, and baby 2.0 to spend Christmas with. My mom of course has my step-dad so it's not like she would be alone, but I know that she was pretty upset as well about not getting to see any of us. It'll be hard celebrating the holiday without everyone around and I know that if it was possible for them my sister's family would have traveled to Montana with me. I'm just going to try to focus on the fact that with my mom moving to the Wenatchee area in the spring that next Christmas we'll all get to be together for sure!