a twinkle of starlight

Bleh.

2011-09-17T23:48:00.001-07:00

I don't know what's with me today. I'm depressed, tired, feeling all around blah. Maybe it's stress from work because we have our Planning Meetings next week. Maybe it's exhaustion from working too much. There were a lot of long days this past week to get caught up after being on vacation. It's probably just a mixture of it all. Either way I basically slept the entire day today. I went to bed at 10pm Friday night which is at least 2 hours earlier than I normally would have. I woke up at 9:30, went online for a bit, and then went back to bed. I got up again at 5:30, and likely only because my sissy sent me a text message and the chime woke me up. This time I managed to stay awake for an hour and a half before I climbed back upstairs and got in bed. I woke up at 10:30 and debated for a few minutes whether I should just roll over and go back to sleep or actually get up. But I was thirsty, needed to take my meds, and should probably eat something so up I am. But now that I've completed those tasks I feel like I want to get back under the covers. I have so much that needs to get done in life and no energy on the weekends to do it. I think it may be time to cut back on my weekend working. Which is sad to me, I've worked there for 10 years and not seeing them every week would be a big change. But, the other girl I work with is interested in taking on more hours and more responsibilities so it is kind of perfect timing. Perhaps I should just make sure to schedule off one Sunday a month leading up to holiday time. Holiday is usually too busy of a time for taking days off so I'll have to play that by ear. However, once February comes around it tends to slow down again so I could start having weekends again. Only having one day off a week tends to make parts of my life fall apart. I don't want to clean or run errands after work which leaves everything to Saturday. But it's my one day off so I want to relax and not have responsibilities...which just makes everything pile up until it's incomprehensible where to start and how to get it all done. I've been trying to take more time for me, but it's not working out so well. The best I've done at that was to actually take vacation from work which while it doesn't sound like much is actually a huge deal. I never used to take more than a day or two off unless it was Christmas and I took a full week off in May and again in September.

*yawn*

I think I'm done writing now. Time for bed.

Becoming a New Me

2011-09-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

For pretty much all my life I’ve been “the creative one”. I’ve never been athletic or outdoorsy. I can remember in elementary school I was (for some unknown reason) on the track team. My one event was the softball throw - the kiddo version of the shot-put. At a district meet, after I threw my softball one of the coaches tried to take me over to where they were running the relay race. The team was short a kid and they wanted me to take the place even though I‘d never run a relay before. I instantly burst into tears and ran off the field to my mom.

On the other hand, my sister has always been athletic. She ran track and cross country all through school, and in her twenties started doing kung fu and quickly worked her way up the belts. She’s two years older than me, so my sophomore year of high school was her senior year. Apparently her coaches were under the impression that I would be coming in as her replacement. The first time I saw one of them I was greeted with the comment “So, Little J! Are you ready for the season?!?” Yeah, not so much. For me the only reason to run is if someone is chasing me.

That doesn’t mean I refuse to get up and move. I enjoy doing charity walks which are usually a 5K or 3K, and in 2008 I even walked 17 miles through Seattle for the AFSP Out of the Darkness Overnight. I started doing water aerobics a couple years ago and while there have been periods of time where I stopped it is something I really like.

Back in January I broke my foot which led to 3 and a half months without walking, and 8 months after the accident I’m still in recovery. I think those 3 and a half months of not being able to move on my own triggered a need for action. Like not being able to do anything is making me want to do everything. Actually, it was probably that plus turning 30! Now I’m excited to get up and work out and just plain do something! Not to say I’ll ever be a runner, somehow I don’t think I’d ever find that enjoyable. Plus, with "the girls" I’m likely to give myself a black eye! But I’m wanting to try all sorts of new things. I’ve started back up with water aerobics twice a week and trying to work out at home at least twice a week…but I want more. I want to try kayaking. I want to hike, and camp, and learn how to really swim. And, the reason I want to learn how to swim is because I want to surf. I don't see myself jumping into the frigid waters off Washington, but I hope that someday I'll actually make it to Hawaii and I'll be sure to find some big kahuna to teach me :) The idea of rock climbing intrigues me. Not on a mountain, on a wall. But quite frankly my fear of falling will probably stop that one from happening. I want to go horseback riding. Hot yoga is probably next on my list. And while that sounds the easiest and most relaxing it might be the one I’m most nervous about! I hear all the horror stories of fainting and vomiting and that just does not sound very appealing to me! But then I hear from friends that love it and are addicted to the cleansing feeling they get afterwards and it gets me excited to try it.

I’ve questioned myself if any of this new attitude has to do with the guy I’m crushing on who is Mr. Outdoor Activity, but I honestly think it doesn’t. I’ve never really been the kind of girl to absorb into a guy and take on his hobbies. R, my high school boyfriend, was a huge skateboarder - I tried once, fell on my ass, and was content to spend the rest of the time sitting on the sidewalk watching. H, who I was with from 18-24, spent nearly every weekend in the summers out at La Push surfing, and I never went once. He was in a dart league (not that that’s very athletic…) and I didn’t go to a single match. Wow, with H I kinda sound like a bitchy girlfriend. But while I had no interest in it, I was never really invited either.

So, here I am - 30, single, and full of a feeling of adventure! Wish me luck on my journey...

Did I wait too long?

2011-07-24T01:04:00.000-07:00

I know that it's never too late to make a change or start over, but what if you waited so long that you end up missing out?

I've been working really hard lately at turning my life around - eating better, exercising, and even just taking more time for *me*. I'm mainly doing this all for myself of course, but the fact that the guy I'm hugely crushing on is all athletic definitely helps with the motivation.

I've never had a lot of self-confidence when it comes to my looks. I know I'm smart, funny, nice and generally I think I'm a pretty awesome person...but even when I was skinny I thought poorly about myself in the looks department. I don't really recall anyone ever saying anything to me or making comments that made me become self concious about it - which could be considered odd since my mother is now obsessed with weight. I don't blame anyone for my poor self image, it was admittedly a little hard having an older sister who was several sizes smaller than me. She'd be a size 1 or 3 and I was a 9 - there were no hand me downs once we got older. But no one ever said anything to me about it, it was just something I recognized and wondered why I didn't have that build.

I feel a little ridiculous now thinking that 100lbs ago I thought I was fat. I can't pinpoint exactly how I got to where I am today. I know part of it was various prescriptions, part was emotional eating, part was just plain not taking care of myself and scarfing fast food instead of cooking. Admittedly there was a time when I purposely tried to gain weight - when I was with H he'd admitted to me that if I got fat he'd probably break up with me. When I wanted the relationship to end but wasn't sure if I could do it I tried to figure out how to get him to break up with me. That didn't work though, I just got fat and so did he and eventually I had to be the one to call it quits.

Now, I'm worried. I know that with this guy I feel so comfortable talking with him, we have a decent amount in common (movies, music, etc.), and I know I'm smart enough, funny enough, nice enough, etc...but I feel that physically I'm not good enough for him. He of course has not said or done anything to give that impression, it's just me. I'm sure he has some clue that I like him, I feel like I'm getting a vibe from him but I just don't know what to do. If I'd shaped up my act years ago and lost the weight, would I still be as worried about all this now? And what if I was me, but skinny, he'd be more in to me than he is now? I know he should like me for who I am on the inside blah blah blah but you have to be physically attracted to someone too and I guess I just find it hard to believe that someone as active as him could be attracted to someone like me.

I suppose all I can do for the next month is keep up with the good work, be sweet charming me at my appointments, and hope that when I'm done I either get the courage to ask him out or we somehow make plans for a social setting.

One week down!

2011-06-15T00:06:00.000-07:00

So I've completed my first week back on Weight Watchers and already lost 5 pounds! I haven't even been counting points yet - just eating better/less and working out more. They have a new way of calculating points and I haven't really taken the time to learn it yet. You used to be able to have a little handheld slider thing that automatically calculated the points. Now you either have to log on to the website or buy one of their fancy electronic calculators to do it and, of course, my meeting was sold out of the calculators. I need the convenience of being able to have it with me always instead of looking things up online all the time. I even had two minor set backs in working out this week. On Tuesday I don't know what we did in my physical therapy but after I got back to work my lower back was completely out of whack until Wednesday night. Then on Thursday night I twisted my already injured ankle while walking on some uneven pavement so didn't want to risk hurting it more.

Now, on the umm...romantic potential in my life. I'm *so* nervous about seeing him tomorrow! This is ridiculous! I've seen him once or twice a week for over 2 months. Of course, everything changed last week when I think he asked me out. Still don't know whether it's friendly or date-ly but it would still be a social interaction for us vs what we've been doing. Blech. I'm full on twitterpated. I know how I want to bring the subject back up and fix the mess I made by not instantly saying yes, but I'm worried I'll get all tongue tied and it'll come out wrong and make a fool of myself. But really, how hard is it to say "Oh that Decemberists show is on August 22nd, and I was thinking - who cares that it's on a Monday we should totally go". Seriously. It's not hard. But I still have this weird feeling of, like, why would a guy who's incredibly athletic and in shape be interested in a girl who is...not. On the one hand I can see that there might not have been an instant attraction but that after spending time together and getting to know each other something has grown. I mean, we do spend most of my sessions talking while I'm working out and we have the same taste in music and a lot in common and he is *so* easy to talk to, the conversation just flows. We've even talked about how it's kinda hard being 30 and single - and he specifically mentioned not having the house with the white picket fence and everything he thought he'd have by now. I also need to keep reminding myself that S was pretty athletic and was apparently more interested in me physically than emotionally. I need to have confidence in myself. I brought up the concert as more informational since he'd mentioned they're one of his favorite bands, but he asked me if I wanted to go. I think I just don't want to be all twitterpated and then be heartbroken before anything even starts. Wish me luck :)

Tomorrow is a new day

2011-06-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

And it's a new start. Tomorrow I sign up for Weight Watchers all over again. Last time (which was about 2 years ago) I lost 25 pounds pretty quickly, but I hit my plateau right before Christmas. I took a "little break" for the holidays and never went back. Now here I am with those 25 pounds back and another 15 or so on top of that.

Today was my last hurrah and I probably shouldn't have gone as far as I did because quite frankly I feel a little sick. Not to say that I went on a binge or anything, just ate some things that are "bad" for me and I won't be able to have anymore.

I'm allowed to start some small amounts of cardio - I can start by doing 10 minutes a day on the elliptical machine. If I can do that for a week without my foot and leg hurting then I can up it to 15 minutes a day for a week and so on and so on adding 5 minutes each week. I also have about 30 minutes of stretching and strengthening exercises that I need to do every night for my ankle/calf. I want to be stronger and healthier.

I also want to call and make an appointment with an endocrinologist to be tested for Cushing's. It may be a long shot that so many of my health issues are caused by one thing, but wouldn't that be fabulous to have an answer!

Symptoms/signs of Cushing's are:

Weak Muscles

Weight gain in face, waistline, and back of neck/upper back

Acne

Dark stretch marks on stomach

Anxiety/depression

Backaches

Loss of muscle tone

Irregular menstrual periods

Abnormal hair growth

Sleep issues

High blood pressure/blood sugar

The symptoms that are bold/italic are ones that I have. Now, obviously these could all be attributed to something else but what if there really is one answer? What if there is one thing that is making all of these worse for me? Part of me is scared to get tested because if it is Cushing's that means surgery, if it's not Cushing's then I don't have the possibility of a magic answer. But I guess no magic answer leaves me right where I am now so what am I waiting for?

Super Lameness!

2010-11-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

Of course a frickin snow storm came in last night. Ruined my day.

No, I didn't lose my power or wreck my car or have some horrible weather related incident.

But I did meet what seemed to be a pretty awesome guy on the bus on the way in to work Monday morning. And that cute, charming guy wanted to meet me outside my work at 7pm. And then there was a flipping blizzard.

I know his first name and what area he lives in. He knows my name and what building I work in. We didn't exchange phone numbers.

I stayed at work until 7 and walked outside into the snowpocalypse. I looked around, but as I expected, he was nowhere to be seen. I was lucky enough that when I got to my bus stop the 510 was right there waiting for me - as it apparently had been for almost an hour!

So, today I posted ads in Missed Connections and I Saw U. Maybe since he knows where I work and what time I usually get off he'll just magically show up some day next week...hopefully. The conversation was easy, and most importantly there was the little hint of a spark from the moment I sat down next to him. Too bad I didn't meet him on the way home - after a 5 hour bus ride we'd have probably known *everything* about each other!

Meh.

2010-11-16T22:52:00.000-08:00

So I had my first date with the guy tonight. He doesn't even get a good nickname like every other guy I've had even only one date with. Mainly because he was boring.

He was nice enough, and there weren't really any lulls in the conversation...there just wasn't any chemistry on my side. There was no spark. He was very...plain. He had a pretty bad comb-forward (as in back to front instead of across). He was clearly at least 3" shorter than he said he was. Which, frankly, is really effing annoying. I honestly don't care how tall a guy is - my high school boyfriend was several inches shorter than me. But don't tell me that you're 6'1" and then think I won't be able to figure out you're really 5'11". I'm 5'7" and I was taller than you and I sure as hell wasn't wearing 7" heels!

There were a few points in the conversation where I just realized we were from two different places. At one point I mentioned a guy I know and his partner. He interrupted me and said "Business partner or...partner..............partner?" You could tell he was pretty uncomfortable with a partner partner situation. He also talked about politics and that his only problems with politicians are with their moral issues. Like, the things that bothered him the most about George W. was that he did coke and didn't serve his National Guard time. I'm sorry, but there are a helluva lot more things that went wrong with that administration!

He also doesn't like to dress up for Halloween. Thinks more women should wear miniskirts in Seattle. Has never been inside a Starbucks.

I just felt like we came from two different worlds - he'd make a nice friend but definitely not boyfriend material.

Cold!

2010-11-15T22:11:00.000-08:00

Well this is going to be a short blog tonight because there is a Winter Storm Warning going on right now - my lights are flickering and I definitely want to be offline before the power goes completely out. Plus, I have to wake up at *5AM* tomorrow for work! Craziness! I am definitely going to need a few extra shots of caffeine before my date tomorrow night. That's right, the guy I've been talking with from okcupid and I are going out tomorrow for dinner. I'm feeling pretty positive about it, but do have a few reservations. I'm not used to dating and do have several "quirks" that don't fit in to the modern dating world. (This might be where sissy needs to cover her eyes and say la la la) Basically, when compared to today's single women - I'm a prude. That is, until I'm in a significant relationship. I can honestly say that I've never slept with someone that I didn't love. I'm comfortable in my sexuality and can talk and joke about it freely. However, I've discovered that I have to be very clear with someone I'm dating that "it" just plain isn't going to happen within a set number of dates. It's up to the guy to decide if he wants to wait for me to be ready or isn't that patient and just wants to call it quits. So, that's my worry with this guy. He's already made a few sexual innuendo jokes and I know those are pretty easy to make through email and text so maybe he's just a little too comfortable that way. My dating profile does very clearly state that I am only interested in serious dating and ltr and have zero interest in casual sex...so, hopefully it all goes well and he's just trying to break the ice with some not quite inappropriate comments. I mean if we'd known each other in person for this long I would likely be completely comfortable with it and laughed it off. I'm pretty sure it's just because we haven't met in person and I have that little worry about whether he's really looking for someone to settle down with like he says or if he's just a guy looking for a piece of ass.

Just your typical Sunday evening...

2010-11-14T23:13:00.000-08:00

You know, discussing with your best friend via text message what musician you'd rather be dry humped by and why. Oh, and by dry humping we meant dancing with. Her pick was Justin Timberlake - she likes his rhythm. Mine, of course, was Caleb Followill - I figure he may have a slow southern rock type of dry humping, but it sure would be nice!

On to better topics ~ So cranky that I skipped the last two nights of NaBloPoMo! However, yesterday I spent 9 hours with my friend Carla and her son Jayson for his engagement party. He's the sweetest guy ever and if he was about 7 years older I would have snatched him up for myself ;) But instead I just try to watch out for him from time to time like he's a little brother. A little brother that likes to freak dance like he's dry humping me lol! (hence the later conversation with my tbff) I'm a little ummm...(how should I say this nicely?)...worried about the engagement. It's beyond a whirlwind romance and he's the kind of guy that could handle (read: put up with) just about anything in a relationship. I got the feeling last night that she was seeing several sides of him that she hadn't before and I'm just hoping that she doesn't break his heart. However, I'll do my best to stay positive - I even pulled her aside and gave a little advise last night - and hope that they can prove everyone who's questioning their day and a half long relationship wrong. Either way, my worry for him is much more focused on the fact that he's headed to Afghanistan - as long as he makes it home safely from there everything else will be cake.

So, I'm seriously considering making an appointment with an ENT specialist to see about having my tonsils removed. This whole tonsil stone situation sucks. It's been annoying all my life but for the last several months it's been much worse - like, an almost daily occurrence. While I know that alone is not a reason to have them removed, I also think they may have an involvement with my sleep apnea since they've been increasing in size. Which means I should probably schedule that appointment with my sleep doctor first and then see what he thinks about it.

Awwww Snap!

2010-11-11T21:16:00.000-08:00

Looks like I know where I'll be at 4am two weeks from tomorrow!

Target's Black Friday ad was leaked yesterday! My shopping list is long and I'm determined to get everything on it.

Wii Fit Plus Bundle for $67 - I don't even have a Wii yet but I want one really bad!
Satin PJ's for $10
Sweaters for $9

Plus they always have awesome deals on tons of DVD's and CD's

Still deciding on...

40" LCD HDTV for $298
Sony Blu-Ray player for $99
10pc Kitchenaid nonstick cookset for $100

So, honestly, what would you do?

2010-11-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

For the last hour I've listened to my next door neighbors yelling off and on. There's been a lot of loud noises and bangs against the wall that have actually shook my pictures. Now, sometimes they have loud parties so for the first while I couldn't tell for sure what was going on. Now I know that they were fighting, and I'm pretty sure those loud bangs were her getting shoved in to the wall. I stood at my front door for awhile listening while she stood outside and he stood in the doorway yelling at her to come look at what she did to the door. I have to admit, it brought back some pretty bad memories. When she yelled back "Why should I come look? No! You're just going to hit me if I come up there!" I opened my door. I asked her if she needed to call someone, and told her that even though my place was a mess she could come in if she wanted. She said she was okay - I knew she was just embarrassed. I told her I've been in her situation before. I understood. He opened the door again and started yelling before he realized I was there. I told him I wasn't trying to get involved - at which point he interrupted me and said "Yeah, I bet you tryin' to sleep huh? Lookit what she did to my door!" and I said that no, actually I just had been in their situation before and the best thing for them to do right now would be to go their separate ways for the night and talk it out tomorrow when they were both calmed down. She made it all the way down the stairs while I was talking and last I saw he was back inside and she was walking out of the parking lot talking on her cell phone.

Now - what would you do?

If I call the cops for a domestic violence situation honestly they won't do much. I should know - when I lived in West Seattle with my ex multiple neighbors called the cops one night on us and since we both said nothing physical happened the cops didn't do anything.

If I complain to the COA since this couple are renters and not homeowners they will likely know it was me (though I suppose it could be the lady that lives below our units). They have a daughter so putting a family out of a home isn't really something I want to do and obviously would have little to no effect on the whole violence issue.

Was my little interruption of advice enough? It did get her out of harms way - at least for tonight. What should I do if it happens again?

Can't Say Much

2010-11-09T21:18:00.001-08:00

What's the saying - if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all? I think for tonight I'll keep my mouth shut and wait until I have more answers. All I know is there needs to be some definite changes in the near future and, as I've always said, you can't expect anything to change if no one else knows anything is wrong.

On a positive note - looks like the guy from the dating site and I are going out for drinks next week!

So far...not so good.

2010-11-08T22:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, seriously, I need to start doing something more with this whole losing weight thing. One thing that I want to do is make a list of my breakfast, lunch, and dinner choices and then plan out my week of meals. I think not having ideas already ready for me is part of what ends up with me eating take out or crappy food. If I had a breakfast planned in advance then I probably wouldn't be so tempted by the pastry case at Starbucks. If I had a lunch ready to easily pack it wouldn't end up being a choice of Pamela's (Mac n' Cheese or French Dip), Courthouse (Grilled Cheese, Chix Strips, or Burger), or Westlake (Pizza or Sesame Chicken). If I had a dinner planned with ingredients bought and waiting for me at home it wouldn't be so easy to go to a drive-thru or pick up a frozen pizza. So, for the next couple days I'm going to brainstorm a list of ideas for each meal so I can mix and match them each day. Any thoughts?

Brrr!

2010-11-07T23:03:00.000-08:00

It was downright cold today! The day started sunny and beautiful, but as it went on it was sooo cold. Working at my Sunday job often involves shifts of 20-40 minutes outside. Luckily I can come inside and warm up over the iron between times outside but it can get pretty darn chilly. We're trying to do as much outside work as possible now before winter really starts, especially since they keep saying that this is going to be the worst winter in Seattle in decades. This way we can have extra stock prepared to sew when its snowy out instead of me having to go outside and cut in a blizzard!

Well, that guy emailed me back this morning, I wrote back to him before I went to work, he wrote me back tonight, and I answered him when I got home :) ...I'm thinking after the next round of emails I'll ask if he'd like to meet up this week for coffee or drinks or something. I like to talk a little bit before meeting to have an idea of if we're a good match, but don't want to talk so much that it builds up in to something that can't possibly live up to my expectations.

Time to snuggle under the covers and get some sleep!

Just Another Saturday

2010-11-07T01:18:00.000-07:00

I don't really feel like I have much to say tonight...

I finally took my car in to get all the stuff done I've been putting off - oil change, tires rotated, transmission fluid replaced, new air filter, wipers replaced, headlight replaced, brake light replaced, stereo fixed. I took my laptop with me and my flash drive full of orders from work that needed to be prepped :) It ended up being the perfect thing - their wifi was down so if I'd just brought my laptop I would have been bored out of my head. Plus it took the perfect amount of time - I worked on a couple, then talked to my mom for awhile, and I finished up the final set of orders just when the guy came out to tell me everything was ready.

It's my favorite day of the year! Well, maybe third favorite behind Christmas and my birthday...it's the end of daylight savings which means I get a free extra hour of sleep!!!

I contemplated texting the guy I was talking to last night, but honestly I don't really like to give my phone # to someone without knowing more about them. So, instead I just sent him a short email asking about his work schedule. I didn't want to seem too eager/desperate but I did want him to know that I am interested in talking more and potentially meeting. He did make a few comments during our chat that put me off a little - he said he hoped he hadn't offended me and I said no, because he hadn't, but just that it wasn't a usual subject for a first conversation. I can slightly understand where he was coming from, a lot of the questions they have for you to answer can be pretty out there so it wasn't totally off base. It was something I'd said about myself and put out there in public, so I can't fault him for that.

Well, off to bed - cheers to getting extra z's!

Well that was interesting...

2010-11-05T23:19:00.000-07:00

I had kind of a blah day today and was feeling a little depressed on the way home from work tonight. When I checked my email though I had a message from a guy on okcupid! I went online, checked out his profile, and he actually seemed like someone with potential! So, I messaged him back and then continued to look around on the site. After a couple minutes he popped up in a chat window saying hi - we talked for about an hour and a half and he even gave me his phone # before he said goodnight. We'll see where it goes, could be nothing - could be something. As long as he doesn't take me to build-a-bear if we go out then I'm good!

I'm feeling just a little...

2010-11-05T00:36:00.000-07:00

Frustrated.
Annoyed.
Cranky.
Depressed.
Anxious.
Tired.

It shouldn't take this much work to help someone do their job. It's frustrating and even slightly annoying. When is it time to just give up and let it be? And when does common sense kick in? I know I have high expectations, but I feel like it should be easier than this.

I seriously need to call my doctor. Back in March I went on Yaz to try and help with my PMDD but stopped having my "monthly visit". I still had the physical symptoms though which got worse each month as I went longer and longer without a period. Well, that got a little annoying so a couple months ago I went off the Yaz and everything got back to normal...and my emotional symptoms got right back to where they were before the Yaz too. Seriously, there needs to be some kind of happy medium because feeling like crap emotionally for 10 days of the month really sucks.

I also need to meet with my sleep doctor. Half the time I can't remember to take both doses of my awake medicine. When I only take one I'm uber-tired by 5 or 6. When I take both then here I am awake at 12:45 tired but can't fall asleep. When you're required to get 9 hours of sleep at night it really doesn't work out that well. Lord knows I'll probably only get 6 tops tonight.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

This is from a few months ago in Boston, but since the walk in New York next June is part of what is motivitating my change in taking care of my health I thought they would be perfect for today's theme.

A little bit better

2010-11-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

On my quest to eating better and working out more I'm starting with baby steps.

My previous morning drink from Starbucks was a Grande non-fat no-whip peppermint mocha - weighing in at 280 calories and 3g fat.

I've switched to a Grande non-fat no-whip (sometimes *light* whip) hot chocolate - only 240 calories and 2.5g fat

It's a teeny-tiny difference, but it's a step and it's cheaper too. I'm going to try and cut down to not every day after awhile, but it's such a social activity at work and I have so many friends working there as well that it makes it hard to not just stop in every morning. The main thing I need to do is stop buying breakfast at Starbucks! Holy crap have you looked at the nutritional information for their food?? But, somehow, even though I know how many WW points that croissant would cost me it's still so hard to say no when it's staring at me from inside the pastry case.

My other baby steps for today:

At lunch I ordered the Grilled Cheese and Tomato Basil soup. I only ate a few bites of the soup and dipped my sandwich in it because the amount of heavy cream in that soup is atrocious!
We took a field trip today so I did take a short walk through downtown. Not really exercise, but I moved more than I normally would have.
On my way home from work I wanted nothing more than to just drive through a fast food place or pick up a pizza at Little Caesars because I did not want to cook or have to wait to eat. Instead I convinced myself to go to Fred Meyer and pick up a few things and made myself a semi-"nutritious" dinner of chicken tenders on southern biscuits. Again, obviously not the *best* choice of meals but considering my original wants it's much better than what I would have ended up with at Wendy's or Jack In The Box.
Drinking more water! I've been realllly bad for the past week on the amount of water I've been drinking. Today I drank 3 bottles so that's 6 servings. Not quite the suggested 8, but again it's all about the baby steps.

A new path for NaBloPoMo!

2010-11-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

For the next month I am going to attempt to participate in NaBloPoMo ~ National Blog Posting Month ~ by writing a blog every single damn day! However, instead of my usual subjects of work, love, and random bits of poetry, I'm going to write about my wins and struggles during my first month of getting back in Shape. Today is November 1st. In just over 6 months, May 21st in fact, I will turn 30. I don't want to be this size, weight, or have my physical activity limited by those when my birthday comes. In just 7 months, June 4th, the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk will take place in New York city. I'm determined to participate, and have not yet decided wether I'd like to walk or work on the crew again. Either way, I'd like to have the choice of walking open and that is only possible with shedding weight and getting myself back in shape.

I plan to do my own version of Weight Watchers and am going to start working out on the elliptical. It will take some time to get everything on track and I'm sure I'll have set backs and times where I fall off the path. I just need to keep reminding myself - a U-turn is better than no turn. Or should I say pulling a whippy?

Unfortunately it takes something like this...

2010-10-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

to get me writing again!

Lately with the sudden rash of teenage suicides in the news I have been feeling a pull to get more involved in the AFSP or TWLOHA. Pretty much anyone who knows me knows that I have suffered from depression and suicidal tendencies since the age of 12 or so. Well, I'm about to confess to something that only 4 people know about. I never even told any of my numerous shrinks that I've had over the years. Heck, my sister who is pretty much the only person that reads this doesn't even know. (Sorry sissy!)

For years I cut myself.

It wasn't an every day thing. It wasn't even an every month thing. It was a way of relief when I was so stressed out and the anxiety was too overwhelming. It was something I had control over, and somehow it helped me get through. I want to be perfectly clear that this was not a drastic I need to see my insides and see the blood to know I'm alive type of thing. Quite frankly I'm pretty squeamish when it comes to blood and pain so I would go as lightly as I could stand and still get the release of having control. I'm happy to say that I've been able to fight off the urge and am not currently using this as a means of comfort during hard times. I want to be strong and to be a good role model for my niece and nephew. And I want to help other kids.

I'm not really sure how to do this, it's going to take a bit of research. I don't have the psychological background that most places require for you to actually talk to kids in need even though that's what I feel I might be best at. I want them to see that you can make it through and live a (relatively) normal life. That being "crazy" doesn't make you less of a person, it might just make you more interesting.

Part of what prompted this blog is what happened tonight. Tonight I reposted my personal ad on craigslist. Still not thinking I'll find much, but who knows. The first time the only hate email I got just told me I was fat. Duh, I already know this - you're not telling me anything new. And besides, I got multiple emails telling me how great my boobs looked and only one saying I was fat lol. The hate email that I received tonight was on a much more dangerous level. It read simply:

Go kill ur self. one less fat girl in this state. You people make me sick.

Well, Carl was dumb enough to use his real email address. I'm guessing this may be the reason he only has 8 facebook friends. And of course, I reported him to yahoo for abuse.

To be honest, during the first half-second after I read that I wanted nothing more than to make the pain go away. But I know better. I know that Carl is dumb. I know that my last boyfriend S. couldn't get enough of me. That even if he didn't turn out to be LTR material, he thought I was beautiful and sexy and remembering that gives me more confidence at this size. Of course I'd like to be thinner, for multiple reasons, but I don't think that losing weight should be a prerequisite to finding a boyfriend.

Basically I suppose, to sum it up - I feel stronger where I am now, even if I don't fit in with the social norms. I want everyone to know I'm okay, and I want to help everyone who isn't.

The Path Is A Little Twisted...But I'm On It

2010-07-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

When I first started this job 3 years ago I thought my goal was to get over to the private label design side even though my style is not the same as theirs. I figured I wouldn't want to actually design for any of the lines, but would enjoy doing production liaison work or as a technical designer. I really do love putting together spec packages and doing technical sketches and all that...Earlier this year however I was told that wouldn't be a possibility. I had a mini informational interview and was told that because I had gone to school for design so long ago and had been out of the design side for so many years that my education was "irrelevant". I was happy to hear that it had nothing to do with the fact that I never graduated, but definitely a little frustrated that what I'd thought I wanted to do was no longer an option.

Then I got to thinking...I love my job. And while I don't want to stay in my current position forever, the majority of what I do is actually the responsibilities of an Assistant Buyer - I just don't have the title or pay. I also started thinking that maybe I kept feeling like I should go over to the private labels because it was what I went to school for so it's what I *should* do when really I'd rather stay where I am. Since I've made Assistant Buyer my new job goal I've been so much happier and focused and everything.

After talking it over with my boss, her boss, etc etc while the job can't be "promised" to me I am now on the path to that position which should likely be added next year. So next week I have a few test days working in one of our retail stores because the path requires that I leave my office and go work in a store making my way up to Department Manager. Now, most people would probably say Wait - If you're already doing the job why can't you just get the promotion? Well, because that's the way it is. At first I was frustrated, even slightly angry about it...But now I've come to terms with it, and for however long it takes I'll just live on my credit cards if need be because being in the store means relying on commission. The end result is going to be sooooooo worth it though. :)

Again, while the job can't be promised, my boss is already continually making comments like "this is why I need you to come back!" and I've had multiple people question what she's going to do without me. Not to brag or sound boastful, but I honestly really don't know the answer to that. I know our department so well and know her and how she likes things done to perfection. There is so much information in my head that it will be nearly impossible to write a manual for my job or train someone to do everything that I do.

So, wish me luck on this crazy journey...I'm excited and scared and am hoping for the best!

The Best Things in Life Don't Come Easy

2010-05-19T01:06:00.000-07:00

Can everything please just go according to the little plans I make in my head for awhile? I'm getting a little tired of all the twists and turns. I think I have something figured out and then whoops, nope, here's a curve ball to throw everything out of whack. Job, money, life, love...it's all been a giant rollercoaster this year when I was looking forward to a nice smooth ride on the merry-go-round.

Oh the anticipation...

2010-05-13T22:47:00.001-07:00

So, my mommy gets in town tomorrow night. Now 99.9% of me is uber-excited and happy but then there's that teensy part of me that is dreading it. There was so much I wanted to get done before she got here and none of it got accomplished.

For some reason over the past 5-7 years or so my mom has become a little umm...weight obsessed. On the one hand I know that she's just trying to be helpful and is worried about me or whatever but it really is not a good thing. Plus, giving "tips" and complaining about her own weight (omg she gained .4 pounds this week! - yes, that's point four) isn't that encouraging to hear for someone who is an emotional eater. I get stressed about my weight from some of the things she says and then I just eat more. Last time I saw her was at Christmas - directly after 2 weeks of swine flu and not eating solid foods. I'd lost 12 pounds in 7 days and she kept telling me to watch what I was eating because I was going to gain it back. Well, of course I did because I lost all of it being *deathly ill* but now I've gained even more. Honestly (and this is a little scary to say out loud) I currently weigh the most I ever have in my life. :( I really just don't want her to say *anything* to me about it the entire time she is here because I know it'll just send me over the edge...

I also wanted to get my hair cut and re-dyed. Not really sure why I felt the need to get it done before she saw me, just wanted to.

Lastly, I really wanted to get my house put together a little more. It currently looks like a clutter factory exploded, and again I know she'll give her helpful tips about 10 minute tidies and all. Now, she truly does have good advice when it comes to that but I think she just doesn't understand my lifestyle when it comes to this kind of thing. There are only 24 hours in a day - I'm required to get 9 hours of sleep by my sleep doctor, and between the moment I wake up and the moment I get home from work is usually 11 hours. That leaves me four hours each night to relax, cook dinner, do laundry, watch a little tv, try to clean a little and try (TRY) to exercise...when really all I want to do with that entire 4 hours is slump on the couch and do nothing. I have noticed though that this Provigil is really starting to work so hopefully I can start making more use of that 4 hours.

Well, I'm sure it'll all be fine I just need to remember to stand my ground and remind her I'm doing the best I can.

All the Difference in the World

2010-04-27T22:26:00.001-07:00

It's almost a little amazing how much better I feel now that I know. My mind is clear, my smile isn't forced, I feel better than I have in months...and all practically overnight.

Sunday *the boy* mysteriously showed up on my doorstep. Over four months since he moved to California, and I hadn't heard a word from him in all that time. I was telling him that he had no idea how much he'd hurt and destroyed me during that time...he was looking pretty upset himself and said "You don't know how I feel". I just said "So tell me, you've never told me" and he said those three words I'd been longing to hear and wondering if he felt for so long. He was only in town until that night when he had to leave to drive back to San Diego. We made plans for him to come over after he was done packing - supposed to be around 5 or 6 that night.

After he left I cried. Hard. I had no idea what to do or what it all meant. I'd spent the last four months missing him so much and so very in love with a ghost. Every night when I got home I'd look to see if his car was there. Any time I heard someone coming up the stairs my heart would skip a beat and I'd hold my breath waiting to hear the persistent knocking that was his signature.

But, as per usual, he never came back Sunday night. Just hours before he'd said that he loved me, and then didn't bother to show up. But here's the weird thing, I didn't even cry. I didn't cry because this is exactly what I needed - it gave me the closure I'd desperately been seeking since he left. I believe him that he loves me, in the way that he is able. But I now know that he isn't capable of being there for me the way that I need. Previously I could always give him the excuse that his mom had just passed away so he was distraught, that he was on drugs so couldn't be expected to function properly...but this time there was no excuse to give for not showing up. He just didn't do it.

Monday morning I woke up with a smile on my face. In the back of my mind a little part of me wonders if the shit is gonna hit the fan, but not yet it seems. I think I just needed to hear those three words, to know that he does care and love me and it was all real. And to know that there was just no way for it to work out, I no longer have to wonder "what if?"...

Countdown to 30...

2010-03-21T00:21:00.001-07:00

So, I am exactly two months away from my 29th birthday. Which, of course, makes me just over a year away from the dreaded 30. I know most people don't see 30 as that big of a deal anymore, but when I figured I'd be married with two kids by the age of 23...well, being 30, single, and childless is kinda stressing. Also, I'm just not entirely happy with where my life is. Sooo, here's my hope for motivation - during the next two months I'm going to try to come up with everything that I would have control over accomplishing by the time I'm 30. I say what I have control over because obviously I can't make a marriage happen or the market pick up so I can sell my place. But I can put myself out there more once I'm ready again and I can work on my place so that when the market is ready so am I. Some of the things I already know to put on the list are to get back in shape, eat better, make more time for *me*, etc. Once I have it all put together I'll post it on here and give periodic updates. Even though no one reads this (except for you sissy lol!) having it as "public" knowledge may help me to be a little more accountable...

Deep Thoughts

2010-03-02T22:25:00.001-08:00

Well, not really. I just don't have one big subject I'm ready to write about right now so I thought I'd go for a bunch of little tidbits...

I desperately need to take a day off from work. I can tell I'm getting a little more stressed out than I should be right now. As always, I only have Saturdays off but the last few Saturdays haven't really been "mine". Now, I enjoyed how I spent them but this past Saturday was at my step-niece's 1st birthday party and the week before I was babysitting the bean. The week before that was something too but I can't quite remember...Anyways, I don't know why but I am also so nervous to ask my boss for a day off if I'm not actually going out of town or doing something big. She's never said no and I don't think she ever would say no unless I asked for the day that we had a big meeting or something. So, I neglected to ask her today before I left work and she flies to NY in the morning. I'm thinking though that after I see how much I get done tomorrow I can email her asking if it would be okay to take Friday off. Plus I sometimes feel a little *too* responsible for my department - as in I feel like I shouldn't take a day off when she's in the office because she might need me but I also feel like I shouldn't take a day off when she's out of the office because then there is no one there to take care of whatever issues might come up. I'm not even sure how much PTO I have so I should check that tomorrow too.

I got another stupid parking ticket. Same "violation" this time of blocking access. I am, of course, fighting this one as well and have the perfect reasoning that last time the judge agreed that there is nothing there to block access to and I guess I just won't park there anymore. I'm going to contest this one by mail though because I really don't feel like sitting in a courtroom for two hours.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to pay my bills this month. See, I always get paid on the 4th and the 19th which is just well and dandy but because of the way the days fell in February this year that means there was only 9 days in this pay-period instead of the usual 11 or so. I'm sure I'll just end up borrowing some money from Claudia and then taking home some extra work to pay it off, but that then contributes to the working too much = being stressed out thing.

I need to get a resume put back together. I'm not sure what happened to the one I used for the job I have now but I really wish I could've found it. There aren't any openings at this point that I'm interested in but I'd like to be prepared if something comes up. Trying to remember what years I went to what schools though and how to word what I do and all that is hard.

I kinda feel like my brain isn't functioning right. See, I'm an amazing typist. Really, like I just took a test and wasn't trying super-duper hard and got 83 words a minute with no mistakes. But lately I'm not typing the right words. I know what I want to say but my fingers are going to different keys. Usually it's a variation on the word that I started to type and most people might not think it's anything unusual but I'm generally so accurate that it's kinda freaking me out. Probably just another part of that whole stress thing!

Well, the doctor has ordered me to get 9 hours of sleep every night which I'm thinking isn't enough because I am now dog tired vs before I was just really tired. Before some nights I'd only get 8 (or rarely only 6) but then on Friday nights I'd get 15 or so. Now I know you can't really catch up on sleep, but only getting 9 has got me so worn out. I'm starting to fall asleep driving, on the bus, etc and I'm supposed to be doing this 9 hour thing for another month and a half! I need to call and ask him about this "Periodic Limb Movement Disorder" diagnosis though so maybe I'll mention that I don't think 9 hours is working and see what he says.

Off to sleep so I can wake up at 8!

2010-02-07T23:53:00.000-08:00

if my life was made into a movie of the week most people would find it too unbelievable.

it hurts

2010-01-20T00:17:00.000-08:00

i feel a literal pain in my chest where my broken heart is. sometimes it hurts so much i can hardly breathe.

i wish it was friday so i could just cry and not have to worry about having puffy eyes at work the next day.

grumble

2010-01-06T21:24:00.000-08:00

Here's your fair warning. This entire blog is various rants and complaints.

Dear Next Door Neighbor,

I'm very happy for you that you finally took down your Christmas tree. Thank you for sharing it with me by leaving pine needles all over our shared front deck and on each and every stair. Also, thank you for the lovely broken candy cane pieces. If I'm hungry I know where to go. You see, one of the reasons I have a fake tree instead of a real one is that I don't like pine needles tracked all over my house. So maybe, pretty please, you could SWEEP UP THE FUCKING NEEDLES CUZ THEY'RE STICKING TO MY SHOES AND GETTING EVERYWHERE.

********************

Dear Arm & Hammer,

I think it's great when a company continues to try and improve their products for their customers. Like adding ammonia to your kitty litter to help with the smell. The problem is, for some reason ever since you've started producing your "new and improved" litter it doesn't clump anymore. Now, I've considered the possibility that my cat has started making different urine, but in all likelihood it's actually that the ammonia has somehow effected the clumping properties of your litter. But I suppose that's good news for you because then a customer goes through twice as much litter in the same time period so you'll sell more boxes. This is until they figure it out and start buying Tidy Cat. Guess what I just bought at Target tonight?

********************

Dear Sound Transit,

Do you know the driver of the 510 that picks up at 6th & Olive at 7:30pm is an asshole? At the very least he is always 10 minutes late. On Monday he arrived at the exact same time as the 8:00pm bus. He is rude and unfriendly. He is probably the worst driver I've ever ridden with. When he pulls off at 45th and 145th he guns it into the exits and then slams on his brakes at the stop. I have literally fallen off of my seat before. He is also the only driver I ever get bus-sick with because of his ridiculous driving habits. Once when traffic was backed up on I-5 he drove on the shoulder for a distance until the room ran out so he could get ahead of as many cars as possible. Please fire this angry little man. I think we would all be a lot happier.

*******************

Dear Mom,

You were right. I've gained back 10 of the 12 pounds I lost being sick. But hey, at least I didn't put on any holiday weight.

It's Almost a New Year...

2009-12-31T22:59:00.000-08:00

And I'm actually a little excited. 2010 must be better than 2009! I mean, I can't think of anything truly horrid that happened to me in 2009 (other than my recent swine flu and pneumonia illness) but it was just a slightly blah year. And all of the good things that happened don't really have their conclusion until 2010. My new nephew will be born in April (or maybe March) and while I met *the boy* in 2009 we won't be able to really talk to each other again until February and he won't be home until May. One thing I haven't really told anyone is that he did come to see me last month...He had a day pass to come to Seattle to sign some legal papers from his last job and showed up on my doorstep as a surprise. He only had 45 minutes or so to spend with me before he had to leave to be back in time for curfew, but it was really great to be with him and see that we still really cared about each other. One of the first things he said to me was how great it felt to be clean, I'm so proud of him :) Another potentially exciting thing in 2010 is that my mommy might move to Wenatchee! It's not 100% sure yet, but they're definitely going to try for it in summer and that would be awesome. I do have a few personal goals, though I won't really call them "resolutions". I'd like to lose another hunk of weight, being sick two weeks ago really gave me a jump start on that! I'd also like to get several projects done around the house and keep it picked up. Part of that is also included in doing a clean sweep through everything I own and taking a few big trips to Goodwill and selling what I can either on ebay, craigslist, or at a swap meet/garage sale. Lastly, I'm going to work on my spending habits and try to make a significant dent in my personal debt. So, here's to a fabulous 2010!

NaBloWriMo

2009-11-30T23:08:00.000-08:00

Well, 80% isn't bad. That's still a passing grade and slightly above average ;)

Yup, I missed 6 of the 30 posts I should have done this month. Considering I don't always have that much to write about, or that much time, I did a little better than I thought I would. I'm going to try to keep up with writing more often though, for multiple reasons. One, I think it'll be fun to try and keep a record of my thoughts and what's going on in my life. Another being that maybe *maybe* I would give this blog address to the boy so he could keep up with everything too. However, there's always the thought that there's some posts on here that have a lot to do with him. Granted, he already knows the majority of what I've felt/thought/still feel but it might be a little much for him to view it all out there for the world to see.

I still have so much that I want to get done for myself in the next 3 weeks and the next 3 months and the next 6 months! I have things that need to be accomplished before I leave to Montana for a week, things I'd like to do before I see him again, and things that I'd like to have ready for when he gets back. I know a big help in that would be getting to work earlier so I got off earlier so I had more time at night to clean and work out and do projects. I realllly need to call my sleep doctor and see if I need to come in to figure out what's going on with my sleep patterns right now. I'm having some serious troubles where if I don't set an alarm I'm sleeping at least 14 hours...usually 16. Plus I'm apparently sleeping THROUGH my alarm sometimes for a half hour or so while it's going off. I'm going to start setting the alarm on my cell phone too so that I have a back up. I don't think I could sleep through both...

Speaking of getting more sleep though, it's time to go to bed!

So, here goes...

2009-11-28T22:28:00.001-08:00

I'm going to attempt to cover what happened just over two weeks ago with "the boy". I'm not going to go in to as much detail as I normally would, just because this is a topic that is pretty personal for me and I know that not everyone understands why I still feel the way I do...

Anyways, Friday the 13th - I'd already known that he was leaving that day to go to rehab and though he'd said that he wanted to come see me to say goodbye before he went, I wasn't all that surprised that he'd never shown up. I was headed to work early (for me) that day and was driving to the park and ride annoyed that some car was riding my ass. Finally we got to a red light and I looked in my rear view mirror to glare at them - and was shocked to see that it was him honking, waving, and motioning me to pull over into the gas station on the corner. I did and he pulled in right next to me, jumped out of his car without even turning it off, and quickly got into my passenger seat. Apparently he'd been following me all the way from my house! He'd just pulled onto my street when I pulled out of my driveway and since I didn't know what his new car looked like I hadn't recognized it. He laughed that he'd been honking at me most of the way down Evergreen Way but could see me singing so he figured I must have my radio up too loud. I was just so happy to see him, and I could tell a real difference in him from the last time I'd seen him. We talked about where he'd been, what he'd been using, and the fact that he was now 5 days clean and leaving for rehab in 2 and a half hours. We agreed that he'd come back to my place since he had some time so we could really talk all this out. It was all the little things that showed me that he was truly getting back to being the guy I met - the stupid little jokes, the way he actually looked me in the eyes, how he held me. And to me this one moment was so amazing...We'd been just standing in my living room, holding each other and talking when he pushed me out a little, put his hands on the back of my neck and said "I need to ask you something. Look me in the eye and tell me...do you want to be with me when I get back?" That question and the way he said it showed me something more...he wasn't asking because he needed me, or wanted me to take care of him or fix everything, or was scared. He was asking because he wanted me. And he wanted to make sure that I wanted him too. We spent the next two hours curled up together and talking.

Now I get that no one understands why I'd want to put myself into a relationship with a recovering addict. I will say that he said he wanted to be sure I knew he already knows he doesn't plan to drink again for the rest of his life. He said that it was "a pretty big catalyst that set me off" but that he just doesn't want to do it. I think he said it that way to try and tell me that he didn't want me to worry about having to keep watching him forever. I know it'd be the third relationship with an addict in my life, but I look at it that he wasn't using when I met him and that he at least realized he had a problem and he isn't looking to me to fix it - he's doing that himself. My first boyfriend I think knew he had a problem but didn't care at the time. He is in fact now sober and a born-again Christian. My second never thought he had a problem with weed even though he smoked multiple times a day nearly every day and went back and forth on whether or not he thought of himself as an alcoholic - but as far as I know he's still never done anything about it. To me it's a different situation to be with an addict in recovery because it's someone who doesn't want to use again. Also, he knows that I won't put up with someone that's using, I just can't and won't put myself into that situation again. So the countdown is on...another 75 days until I can talk to him again.

Hopefully everyone can be supportive of me. And him. And us. I know that everyone just wants what they think is best for me...but somehow I feel what's best for me is to be with someone that makes me happy, loves me for who I am, and just wants me for me.

Seriously!

2009-11-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

Time to get off this train! I've been gobbling fast food for nearly one meal a day which has been taking a toll on both my $ and my waistline. I know part of it is just a lack of motivation to cook, part of it is that I don't have any clean pans (or want to wash them), and part of it is that I'm totally PMSing and that I just want fat and salt and everything bad for me. You know, I keep saying that I have 6 months to get my crap together and 6 months to do this and that. But the reality is there's a chance that I'll be seeing the boy in just 3 months! Not that I've gained a ton of weight in the past month (since I started gaining before he left) but I need to stop gaining now and start losing to get back to where I was. And not just for him, but more for myself. I look at my little 25 pound star that I earned in Weight Watchers and I know that most of that 25 is back...and I'd really like it to go away again! Another thing is that the 2010 Out of the Darkness Overnight was just announced. It's in Boston this year and I really want to go even though it would mean missing my nieces 3rd Birthday. Well, actually it ends the morning of the 27th so I could fly back that morning and be home in time for an afternoon party if that's the plan :) Anyways, if I do go I haven't decided if I'd want to go as a volunteer or as a walker. If I walk that's 18 miles and I'd like to be in much better shape this time around since I was literally crying for the last mile during the 2008 walk...

Dammit...

2009-11-23T23:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I've missed two days now for NaBloWriMo...oh well! Saturday I remembered at 2:30 Sunday morning when I went to bed and by that point there was no way I was getting back up just to write something. Last night I went to bed pretty quickly after getting home because I wasn't feeling that great.

I still need to write a blog about what happened on the day the boy left for rehab and how that's going, but it'll be a pretty long and emotional blog to write and I just really don't feel like doing it tonight. For now I'll just say that things are good, I have a lot of hope for the future, and am very proud of him for doing what was right. 10 days down, 80 more to go before I get to talk to him again. =)

There's no flipping E

2009-11-20T21:51:00.000-08:00

So maybe about a month ago my dad emailed me and I noticed that he had my full name in his address book with one of my middle names spelled wrong. Now, it's not like he had a typo and put a q in the middle of it - he spelled Ann as Anne. I was annoyed, but decided to ignore it. This week he sent me another email to both my personal and work email address and lo and behold he had my full name in his address book for my work address too - with the flipping E! So, it became obvious to me that that's how he actually thinks my name is spelled. There's been so many things in my life that I haven't called him out on that I felt like I *had* to do this...I replied to his email answering the question he asked and then added this little note at the bottom:

"It really bothers me that my name is apparently spelled wrong in your email address book for both of my emails...I noticed it the past couple times but didn't really know what to say. Can you please fix it?"

Well, he still hasn't answered me so either he hasn't checked his email all week or he is still trying to figure out what he spelled wrong in my name - so if you know him, and he asks you, don't tell him!

And the winner is...(spoiler alert!)

2009-11-19T22:55:00.000-08:00

Meana Irina! I liked Carol Hannah the best and out of the final three I definitely wanted her to win - I think her dresses are amazing. But, like they said, her collection wasn't really that cohesive. As for Irina, her collection was pretty great but since she'd been such a bitch on the show I wasn't really rooting for her.

If you know me, you know that I <3 Project Runway though I'm not sure that I'm ready for a whole new season to start in just two months! I've had multiple people tell me that I should try out for the show but really, I know I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure. At least not at this stage in my life. Maybe in another 10 years depending on where I am in my life...

Really what I should do is just start sewing again. Even just making clothes for Alexa and Baby 2.0 would be good so I can get the thought process working again and get back into the groove of things.

Time for a change...

2009-11-18T23:03:00.001-08:00

well, starting next week that is.

I used to weigh myself every day - for years that's been my habit. I stopped doing it daily when I stopped going to the weight watchers meetings. Even before I'd quit going to the meetings some of the weight that I'd lost had started to creep back on, but then I was staying pretty steady. I weighed myself this morning though and yeowch! I know I've been especially bad the past 2-3 weeks, but I've gained 4 pounds and it along with everything that I've re-gained, needs to go away again soon. I also need to reign in my spending habits because my finances are getting a little crazy. This goes hand-in-hand though because fast food is expensive both in dollars and in calories! I don't think I'm going to go back to the actual weight watchers meetings ($$) but I am going to read through my booklets again and start calculating my points and figuring out what I can do to work this better. Unfortunately right now I have too much "crappy" food in my house to just throw it all out - I can eat it in moderation though. The finances are definitely going to have to start next week instead of right away...beauty bonanza starts tomorrow and I'm going to get that perfume and the eyelashes. Then House Party is this weekend and I want some new bed pillows and see if I can find some sweaters...maybe a few little Christmas presents too - an outfit for Preston? something special for Lexi?

So this deserves some comments...

2009-11-17T21:32:00.000-08:00

So like everyone else in this world I've got money troubles. Like not so many people I have over 50 pairs of shoes. I've been cleaning them out though and there's several pairs that I haven't worn for over a year and probably will never wear again either because they're no longer in style or uncomfortable. Here's where the moral/ethical/creepiness factor dilemna comes in...there's a guy that posts in the wanted section of craigslist now and again looking for used shoes. It's pretty obvious that it's a fetish type deal but should I really care if some weirdo wants to pleasure himself or whatever he does to my used shoes if he's willing to pay me $15-20 a pair? For some of them that's probably more than I even paid for them new. The thing that makes it a little extra weird for me too is that I hate feet so the idea of someone getting off on where my feet were is more than awkward. But, again, would getting $100+ be worth meeting the guy for the exchange and having the occasional creepy thought?

Uck

2009-11-16T21:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry, not writing tonight. Just posting so I can count this for NaBloWriMo. I've got the start of a migraine, I'm exhausted, and it's super stormy out which is making my house unreasonably cold. I'm gonna go crash and hopefully I'll feel better in the morning.

Helloooo?

2009-11-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

Okie - admittedly no real blog today. Just a request I guess...leave me comments please =) Even if you're someone I don't know and you just stumbled upon my blog let me know what you think about what I have to say. What would you do in my situation? What do you think about the music, shoes, whatever that I'm writing about. Just say something please, it makes it a little more interesting to write to think that someone is actually reading it!

blurb

2009-11-14T23:22:00.001-08:00

So just a few little updates for tonight...

I did end up getting those Harajuku Lovers shoes from my earlier blog. I was finally convinced by two major things - I tried them on and they were actually *comfortable*. Which is of course unusual for 5" heels. The second thing was that I was able to get them for an incredibly low price of $27 after tax!

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I figured out why I needed a larger size than normal in those jeans from Old Navy - it's the special little 1% of Lycra! My other jeans have all been 99% Cotton 1% Lycra and the pair that I bought was just 100% Cotton so there wasn't that extra bit of stretch =)

************

I got a little spritzer sample of the Michael Kors Very Hollywood perfume. I'm pretty convinced that I'm going to buy it next week during Beauty Bonanza, but I wanted to be able to actually wear it for a few days in a row to make sure that I really *love* love it.

************

I've decided to take the next 6 months to get my life back together. This means getting healthier - eating better, exercising, losing weight. This means getting my house cleaned and organized and doing what little projects I can around the place to improve the looks of it. I'm also going to do my best to start controlling my finances more. Things didn't go how I thought they would with Q's "cost of living" going down so I'm going to need to really step it up to start paying everything off. And, obviously, it's not just a coincidence that the boy will be back in 6 months. While he's working on bettering himself and getting his shit back together I'd like to do the same.

My Current Life in 90 Questions

2009-11-13T22:51:00.001-08:00

Yup...don't feel much like writing today - have to think it out before I can write it out...so here's a fun little survey of goodness.

1. What was the highlight of your week? this morning when I got some answers
2. Whose car were you in last? my own...before that, umm...kristen's?
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? from the sound of it...six months. maybe 3.
4. What color shirt are you wearing? charcoal grey
5. How long is your hair? getting to be shoulder length - I really need to get it cut.
6. Are you good looking? i'm fair looking. gonna start working on getting back in shape.
7. Last movie you watched? i lovey ou man
8. Who were you with? when i watched the movie? no one.
9. Last thing you ate? a donut
10. Last thing you drank? water?
11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? really truly broken hard? 3 years ago.
12. Who came over last? "the boy" =)
13. Are you happy right now? yes.
14. What did you say last? "love you" when i hung up from my mommy.
15. Where is your phone? right next to me on the table
16. What color are your eyes? hazel
17. Are you left-handed? nope
18. Spell your name without vowels: lss
19. Do you have any pets? yup my lil qbear
20. Favorite Vacation? it's been a really long time since i had a real vacation...
21. What do you dislike currently? judgement
22. What are you listening to? the soup presents greatest talk show moments
23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? money
24. What is your favorite scent? warm vanilla sugar, vanilla peppermint, or MK Very Hollywood
25. Who makes you happiest? family, friends, and love
26. What were you doing at midnight last night? trying to fall asleep
27. When is your birthday? may 21st
28. Who has the same phone as you? honestly i don't know anyone else that has an alias
29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? this summer when i did water aerobics with carla
30. Do you read your horoscope? sometimes
31. Where was the last place you bought something? starbucks this morning =)
32. How do you feel about your hair right now? like i said, really needs a cut
33. Do you bite your nails? nope
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery? yeah, but just stuff i need to sell
36. Myspace or facebook? facebook (where's 35??)
37. How fast have you driven a car? close to 100 but never over
38. Have you ever smoked? nope, filthy habit
39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? draping
40. Do you have Verizon? yup
41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? rockers...which is why this boy is so different
42. Do you have any hidden talents? i can look at a piece of fabric and tell you what it would be best made into
43. Favorite Song? i've got a lot...but right now i'm digging "Little Bit" by Lykke Li
44. Do you like to sing at all? Only alone in the shower or in the car
45. Dream Job? to own my own boutique with my designs and other local designers stuff.
46. Where does most of your family live? Northwest - Washington, Idaho, Montana
47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? one sissy growing up - multiple steps now
48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? nope.
49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? ugh i want to sleep more
50. Do you drink? occassionally.
51. Know any other languages? i can speak a teeny tiny bit of french and spanish
52. Ever write a coded message? what?
53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? yup. twice. flower girl when i was little, MOH for my sissy
54. Do you have any children? just a furry cat-child
55. Did you take a nap today? nope. worked all day.
56. Who has the same birthday as you? Mr. T
57. Ever met anyone famous before? Yup, met Gwen Stefani this summer.
58. Do you want to be famous one day? not really
59. Any Pet Peeves? multiple but for some reason i can't really think of any to list
60. Are you multitasking right now? only if watching chelsea lately and taking a survey counts...
61. Do you like Britany Spears? no. not even a little.
62. What is your least favorite chore? all of them...but prolly dusting or vaccumming.
63. Last place you drove your car? home from the park and ride
64. Ever been out of the country? for the first time this summer - went to canada woo hoo!
65. Where were you born? redmond, wa
66. Could you handle being in the military? no
67. What is your average cell phone bill? same every month - $52
68. Who are you thinking about right now? the boy
69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? dwarf time with Laura last Friday
70. How many pairs of shoes do you own? too many. over 50
71. Are your toes always painted? not right now
72. How many piercings do you have? just my ears
73. What are you doing today? the days almost over. spent my morning with the boy, then worked
74. Have you ever been gambling? yup. i was up for awhile but then played it all away.
75. When is the last time you updated your page? couple weeks ago
76. Do you like rollercoasters? only little ones
77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? disneyland twice
78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? buttercup from the powerpuff girls
79. Last thing you cooked? halfway homemade pizza
80. How's the weather? COLD! actually had to use my ice scraper tonight!
81. Do you e-mail? seriously? who doesn't?
82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? dropped it in a huge puddle - but it lived.
83. Last time you were sick? a couple weeks ago
84. What states have you lived in? just washington
85. Do you wish you could move? YES! closer to seattle
86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes? um. no.
87. What is your dream car? 66 mustang
88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have? who hasn't?
89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? too many places!
90. Are you happy with your life? yeah, i really am. i feel hopeful and motivated and like things are right.

2009-11-12T22:46:00.000-08:00

So this new song "Russian Roulette" by Rihanna is really bothering me. Now if you just listen to it and take it at face value for the words written it's kinda saying that death and a game that potentially ends in suicide is scary but in the end something that's okay to do. If you're not familiar with the lyrics, here they are:

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

(chorus)
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he’s here means he’s never lost

(chorus)

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late to think of the value of my life

(chorus)

and then at the end of the song is a freaking gunshot.

So maybe I just initially see the suicide part because of my history and involvement with that. I actually googled "Rihanna Russian Roulette Meaning" and was able to find a quote from Rihanna herself on what the song is about.

"It was about being in a relationship and being afraid of getting hurt in the end," said Rihanna. "Which is kind of the same feeling you go through playing the game of Russian Roulette. You know that somebody could get hurt in the end, and you're just terrified that it's gonna be you."

I get that she obviously went through a lot in a very public spotlight with Chris Brown and that we write what we now...but here's an idea for a better ending to the song - "click". SURVIVE. Don't take the flipping bullet. Regardless of what this song is meant to represent it really bothers me every time I hear it - honestly I'd rather listen to Britney sing about threesomes *shudder*

Not how I'd planned...

2009-11-11T21:06:00.000-08:00

So Quentin had his ultrasound today to determine if he can go off the chemo. Well, the good news is that he's basically done with chemo - I'm supposed to finish out the bottle of pills that he has now and then he's done. Unfortunately, that's the only part that's stopping. I guess I didn't remember everything correctly, but he still has to take the prednisone every other night and go in for ultrasounds every 3 months. That means I'll still have basically all of the expenses as before. Most people think the chemo is what's expensive but really that's only about $35 a month - the cost is in the ultrasounds, blood work, and vet visits. It sounds like he won't need to go in for the blood work as often but the ultrasounds are still nearly $200 each time :( I forgot to ask what to do about the week I'm in Montana in December. With him still needing the prednisone every other day that'd be going 3-4 days without it...

Short & Sweet for 11/10

2009-11-11T00:20:00.000-08:00

Yup, here I am again with the after midnight blog. So I'm keeping this short and sweet because I have to wake up extra early tomorrow because Quentin has an ultrasound at his oncologist which means I need to drop him off there before 9am. Most days I'm not even *awake* before 9am! My goal is to actually wake up super early and be fully ready for work when I drop him off so I can go straight there since I'll most likely end up only working a half day. I hate making him stay in the kennel all day after he's done since he's so miserable there plus I'll need to actually meet with his doctor to discuss where we're at with his treatment. Like I said yesterday, with any luck I'll start weaning him off the chemo which will mean a lot less vet bills and the fact that I'll actually be able to be away from home overnight. It reallly better happen because I already planned a week long trip to Montana for Christmas and there's no way he'll take his meds from anyone but me. So ni night and keep your fingers crossed that all goes well!

Hard Times

2009-11-09T23:06:00.001-08:00

So it's obviously no news to anyone that the economy sucks and everyone is having hard times. I may have a job, own my home, and have a car but I, like many others, suddenly found myself accumulating credit card debt. Now for me, it was a personal decision that started the majority of what I currently owe. When Quentin, my kitty, was diagnosed with cancer there was absolutely no pause in whether or not I should treat him. I took a deep breath and handed over my little piece of plastic, same way I do every time he goes in for blood work, an ultrasound, or when I need to refill his prescriptions. On Wednesday he goes in for an ultrasound and if everything goes according to plan he'll be weaned off the chemo and be done with his treatment. But really, this blog isn't about Quentin, it's about people begging for money...

The other day I was walking through the parking lot of Fred Meyer back to my car when a guy in his early to mid-twenties approached me and said that he was really sorry to ask but he was running late to pick up his daughter but he was out of gas and did I have a couple dollars I could give him so he could get her. I said my usual "Sorry, I don't carry cash" and kept on walking. Here's the thing. Tonight I was walking through the parking lot at Target to my car - same guy, same line. I shook my head, laughed, and said "You just used the same line on me two days ago at Fred Meyer." He just mumbled something about how he was supposed to get paid and his check didn't come and blah blah blah. I work hard for my money - so hard for it honey! I work two jobs, six sometimes seven days a week. I'm sorry, I understand that jobs are hard to come by right now but asking me to *give* you my hard earned cash in what turns out to obviously be a scam is redunkulous.

Working in downtown Seattle and waiting for the bus I run into a lot of people asking for "spare change". I've been known to give my leftover lunch to someone sitting on the street, but I will almost never give money. The only exception to that is kids. I know that for kids it's different. For some of course it's just the rebelling and the drugs and the getting away from the parents...but for others it's because there really does seem like there's nowhere to turn. Whether it's abuse, having a family that doesn't accept your sexual orientation, whatever...those are times where I know often the streets seem a lot more appealing than foster care or some of the other options. I still don't like to give money, there's always the thought that it'd be used towards something along the lines of drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes, but the kids I feel a lot worse for because I know that usually it means they've been through something pretty bad.

Don't get me wrong, I know homelessness can happen to anyone. Volunteering at the United Way Community Outreach last year was heartbreaking and eyeopening. Homelessness can be unavoidable - but begging for money is always a choice.

Christmas Countdown!

2009-11-08T22:52:00.000-08:00

In just over six weeks I will be on my way to spend a week with my mommy. I'm soooo excited to get to see her and spend Christmas with her and my step-dad. On the one hand, it was a really hard decision to make - either spend the first Christmas ever without my mom or the first Christmas without my sister. I'm still reallly sad and actually kinda upset over us not all being together for the first time in my life. Christmas is my very favorite time of year - the food, the decorations, the music...but most of all the family. The only way I could even really make my decision was knowing that I can see my sister much more often than I have chances to see my mom and my sister will have her husband, daughter, and baby 2.0 to spend Christmas with. My mom of course has my step-dad so it's not like she would be alone, but I know that she was pretty upset as well about not getting to see any of us. It'll be hard celebrating the holiday without everyone around and I know that if it was possible for them my sister's family would have traveled to Montana with me. I'm just going to try to focus on the fact that with my mom moving to the Wenatchee area in the spring that next Christmas we'll all get to be together for sure!

I don't know why I'm smiling...

2009-11-07T23:24:00.000-08:00

Wow, so last night I slept for 16 hours pretty much straight through. Then I took a nap this afternoon for almost another 4 hours. I'm seriously going to try and call my sleep doctor this week because I should *not* be sleeping this much!

***********

Anyways, now for my real bloggy for today:

Don't ask me why but I'm really kinda at peace with the situation with "the boy" right now. Yesterday I caught myself just smiling kinda goofy while thinking of him... Even though he said he was going to come and see me "soon" before he left for rehab and the last time I've heard anything from him was on Halloween I'm just...calm. I know there are three basic options for what happened.

1.) He went overboard knowing he's about to go into rehab and he od'd, got in an accident, etc.

Obviously this would be incredibly horrible but if that's what happened I will never know.

2.) He decided not to go to rehab and is still using.

If that's the case I can't have anything to do with him anyways.

3.) He went to rehab without saying goodbye.

While that would be sad, in a way I can understand.

The first two options of course mean never seeing him again, the last however does have some options of hope. I don't feel like I'm blindly holding on to the possibility of a relationship...I'm not going to put my own life on the back burner waiting for him, but part of this calm is a sense of knowing that I will see him again. I know that a lot of my thinking on the situation has to do with past relationships with addicts/users. Not just romantic relationships but friends and even family. I know that when someone is using they're not concerned about anyone but themselves. Promises they've made, obligations, the "right" thing to do...none of that matters to someone who's more concerned about when they'll get their next drink and how to numb the pain.

So here I am smiley and just kinda moving along with my life. Because here's the thing - while everyone thinks I've got my shit together, truth is I don't. And maybe, crazy as it all seems, I can get my shit together while whoever it is I'm meant to be with gets their shit together and then we'll come together with our nice clean shit ;)

Zzzzzzzzz

2009-11-06T23:42:00.001-08:00

I've been asleep since 7:30 tonight. Just got up when my cell phone alarm went off so I could take my Rx's. Back to bed. So sleepy.

*****************

Yes, I'm aware this barely counts as a blog for NaBloWriMo

So Disappointed!

2009-11-05T23:18:00.000-08:00

I hate when I go shopping actually planning on spending a decent amount of $ (for me anyways) and walk out not even spending $20. I seriously need some new jeans and sweaters because I only have two pairs of jeans that fit right now and not many warm tops. I have another two pairs of "skinny" jeans but well, my skinny days are few and far between right now. I've got a couple good winter sweaters but a lot of my ones from last year are starting to look really pilly and worn. So, I went to Old Navy tonight with the plan of buying 2-3 pairs of jeans and a couple sweaters. I can usually get jeans there on clearance plus I had my 30% Stuff & Save coupon. Unfortunately the sweater situation was crap - nothing cute at all! And there were almost *no* jeans on clearance, there was only one style I thought was cute and they were still $18.99. So I grabbed them, a top that was on sale, a cutie pair of grey corduroys, and another style of jeans that were also on sale. Now normally at Old Navy I wear either an XL or XXL top depending on fit and a size 10 in jeans. In fact, the jeans I was wearing today were a size 10 and I absolutely must wear a belt with them or they're falling off halfway through the day. The top I tried on was an XL and I was swimming in it! I didn't even bother grabbing a L to try on because it was obviously just not cut to fit right. The corduroys weren't cut for my body type - the waist fit fine but since I basically have no hips and thinner thighs they were super baggy in those areas. The clearance jeans I had grabbed were actually a 12 but were so skin tight I could barely breathe. Lastly I tried on the sale jeans, the 12 was a little snug but I know how Old Navy jeans stretch out so I decided to get them. The price tag said $34.50 but they were on a rack with a sale sign for $25. When I took them to the register they rang up full price - luckily I always know to watch the register at Old Navy because half the time sale stuff doesn't actually ring up at the lower price. I said that they should be on sale and ended up even walking the clerk over to the display that clearly said "Diva Flare Cut Distressed Jeans $25 - Normally $34.50". She agreed they should be on sale and called across to her manager to do a price override. Well, this other clerk grabbed my jeans out of her hands and said "No, these are SUPER Flares. They're not on sale". I quickly pointed out that they were the *only* style of jean on that rack and so had to be the sale style. Then I had to walk the manager over and show her and finally got my stupid jeans for the sale price. And, since I'm so thrifty, I used my 30% off so got the jeans for basically half their regular price - barely worth all the trouble it took though! I definitely need a few more things to get through the winter, but at least now I have another pair of jeans!

But I waaaant it!

2009-11-04T21:45:00.000-08:00

*sigh* it's that time of year again...the temptation of Half Yearly, Beauty Bonanza, and House Party are all before me. Now, there's not really anything here that I actually need to purchase right now but there are several things catching my eye.

I really like these Harajuku Lovers "Paley" Pumps. The heel is a little treacherous - a serious 5" - but these babies are *gorgeous* in person.

Then there's the fact that I've been searching for a new fragrance. Initially this was brought on by the fact that I wore what "the boy's" ex-wife wears...however I smelled a sample of "Very Hollywood" by Michael Kors in a magazine recently and really liked it. I started thinking about the fact that I've been wearing the same scent for nearly 10 years and maybe it really is just time for a change. I stopped by the downtown store today to smell it for real and try it on and I'm not quite decided. I do like it a lot and the bottle is beautiful but it's very different from the plain and simple Warm Vanilla Sugar that I've worn for years.

Lastly is something I'd buy just for some serious funsies. God knows where I would ever wear these Eyelashes by Shu Uemura but aren't they fabulous??

Here's me trying to justify these purchases - my extra discount expires at the end of this month. So, those fabulous shoes would only be $44. Beauty Bonanza is in two weeks and that means a much larger Beauty/Fragrance discount than normal...so that fragrance gift set is $40 and the eyelashes only $13. In a way I could buy all three items for less than the shoes originally cost!

Umm...we're counting this as Nov 3rd!

2009-11-04T00:46:00.000-08:00

So of course this post is going to show the 4th since it's after midnight, but I'm counting this as my Nov 3rd post so I can still count it as a blog-a-day!

Anyways, today was kinda frustrating. I had a doctors appointment at 10 to try and figure out what's going on but I was running late so I called in to let them know I was going to be 10 minutes late. Luckily the Dr. actually had a 10:15 appt available so they just moved me in to that slot. Well, I got there and had to wait until 10:30 for her to see me. It's not like she could have been running behind from her 10 o'clock since that was *me*. To make it even more special she still had no idea what's wrong with me and actually went and pulled a textbook from another room and flipped through it in front of me trying to figure it out. So I wasted an hour of time just to be referred to a dermatologist that I can't even see until next week. I want to know what's going on, but obviously I hope this is all cleared up before then. Of course my step-dad is kinda freaking me out by suggesting the possibility that it's Cushing's Syndrome. Now when you look at the list of symptoms for Cushing's the majority of people could probably check off "yes" to most of them so I'm definitely not convinced that's what's going on but it still is kinda weirding me out. I guess if the dermatologist can't figure it out I'll ask if it's possible that I have Cushing's...I don't want to seem like a hypochondriac but then again maybe everyone isn't putting all the pieces together.

Clean Sweep!

2009-11-02T23:20:00.000-08:00

So I've said this a few dozen times now, but I think I finally really am on a kick to start cleaning out my place and getting things back to "normal". If I get everything picked up and reorganized then it'll make my life so much easier and calmer. Unfortunately winter isn't really the best timing for me to be doing this. I hate taking out the trash as it is, and having to do it in the constant rain and sometimes even snow makes it an even less enjoyable task. I guess I should explain that the complex I live in is fairly large and I live in the first building while the dumpsters are a long ways away at the complete opposite end. Honestly, I usually throw the garbage bags in my trunk and drive them down because I'm too freaking lazy to walk that far (plus, bags full of kitty litter are heavy). So doing a clean sweep resulting in extra trash won't exactly be a lot of fun...but maybe it'll distract me from everything else going on.

NaBloWriMo...Count Me In!

2009-11-01T00:48:00.001-07:00

Okay sissy, I think you've talked me into it! November is National Blog Writing Month and I'm going to do my best to write a blog every day for November. And hey, since it's technially after midnight this can count as Nov 1st!

Against everyone else's judgement...

2009-10-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try and see him tomorrow. It's not that I'm not listening, I hear what everyone is saying. I understand. I also know that no one else actually knows him and no one knows what I'm truly feeling. This is part of the problem of being as open as I am about my life and relationships. And, as most people do, I always talked more about the bad than the good. He had plenty of amazingly sweet times where he made me feel beautiful, happy, cared about and special. But I still feel like I'll be disappointing everyone if I give him another chance. And that no one will be accepting of him if I do and it works. But the thing is, after everything, I just need this. If I don't see him I will always question myself and what could have happened. I feel like if we had met six months prior or six months later than we did things might be a lot different. I know that you can't change someone, trust me I learned that lesson in my past relationships. The core of who someone is doesn't change just because they've entered a relationship with someone else. If he's someone who just doesn't pay attention to when plans are made that's not going to change and it's not something I'm willing to accept. BUT, I'm willing to let him try and explain. I've said it before - he is someone I know I could fall in love with. The last time I felt this strongly about someone was 3 years ago and I actually feel more this time around. I know that it's much better to be single and okay than in a relationship and miserable. I think though, this might be a chance for us to start over. Admittedly our "relationship" before was focused way too much on the bedroom and not enough on actually getting to know each other. At this point if things do work out the sex won't be returning any time soon and that could be a chance for us to become friends, know each other, and develop something real...

Bleh

2009-10-11T21:12:00.001-07:00

So for almost the last two weeks I've had this annoying cold/sinus infection/whatever. I was finally starting to feel better after taking Wednesday and Thursday off from work and only working a half day on Friday. Basically I slept all day long Wed, Thurs, and Sat. I decided to take today off just to make sure I didn't relapse. Except starting this afternoon I've got a whole new series of issues...bad headache, dizzy, nauseous, weakness, cold and hot flashes - no fever though. The headache is just on the verge of being a migraine so technically I could associate the nausea with that but I'm not sure. Ugh, I just really hope I'm not coming down with something new. I know I've been working myself too hard lately it's just been taking so much out of me to keep up with everything. Nordy's has been crazy busy with continually opening new stores. I think we're at 65 open stores right now, 66 next week. When I first started there were 50 and even then it was sometimes hard to get everything done each week. I think by the end of 2010 there's supposed to be almost 90...Plus I'm always stressed about money so I've been selling what I can on craigslist and through that purge party sale last weekend. The fabric sale went over well, I'm going to come away with $114. It probably took more time than that's worth but money is money. I'm doing decent on craigslist so far too selling clothes, collectibles, shoes, whatever I have that I really don't need or doesn't fit anymore. Hey, I may only be getting $5 for a pair of jeans but five dollars is five dollars and it all adds up :)

It's hard to "man shop"

2009-10-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

...when the first resonable looking guy who's viewed your profile has a picture posted like this.

Yes, I blurred him myself to protect his, well, future embarrasment. I mean, seriously, yes you may have a decent body but don't post pictures like this on your online dating profile. You don't see me putting up pictures of my best assets. Which would, of course, be a generous cleavage shot ;)

Plus, doesn't it look like he's wearing hammer pants?

Why can't I be numb again?

2009-10-08T00:34:00.001-07:00

People can say what they want. He's an asshole. A jerk. I deserve better. I know all these things. I also know from the day I met him I was happier than I'd been in years. It shouldn't take a man to encourage these things in my life, but from the day he entered my world I changed. I woke up early looking forward to the day. I was motivated and started taking care of my house and the things in my life. I won't lie, I wasn't in love with him. I didn't know him enough to say that. But I loved him. And I knew he was someone I could and would fall in love with someday soon. For the most part I'm okay now. I get through my days with only a few random thoughts on what happened, where he is, and if any of it was real. I still don't feel like it was a game, and that's not just me being hopeful or gullible, it's still my stupid gut. But then there are nights like tonight. Where I'm laying in bed, lights out, getting ready to drift off to sleep...and I start crying uncontrollably. Yup, as I write this I'm basically sobbing. I hate that he has this much power over me. It's been three weeks since I've seen him and as mad and hurt and destroyed as I am in this moment I want nothing more than for him to knock on my door and explain it all away with his perfect excuses and hold me and wipe away my tears.

What the Eff??

2009-10-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

So I just checked my email, like, two seconds ago and get this - I have a new friend request on facebook. From my high school boyfriend. Umm...no thanks dude. He contacted me about 3 years ago through myspace, apologized for everything he'd done to me and let me know that he was clean, sober, and a serious christian now. He sent me a friend request through there and I told him that while I accepted his apology and was glad he was doing good that he was a part of my past and I really wasn't interested in having that part of my life back. So wtf? Why is he sending me a request on facebook now?? Even just looking at his fb page my heart started racing - and not in a good way. See, our relationship was a very...tumultuous one. As my first relationship it definitely set some sort of level for what I expect/accept/whatever in my love life. We probably broke up and got back together at least 20 times during the two and a half years we were together. There was constant drama. He cheated on me with my best friend. I stayed another year after I found out. We took a "break" before I decided it was time to actually break up but at that point he was so far into crank I couldn't even understand him or what he was doing. Which is probably why he sort of started stalking me. He would call me begging me to go see him, to talk to him. I always refused but would be destroyed for about a week and then start to heal and then after another week or two he'd call again and it would start all over. Whenever I picked up the phone and heard his voice I'd start panicking. He isn't exactly someone that I would consider a healthy relationship for me - even as a friendship.

So, am I a bitch for ignoring his friend request? Am I required to send him a message that says thanks, but no thanks? Honestly, I want no contact with him whatsoever. Unless, that is, he wants to give me the $3,000 he owes me...

Fall!

2009-09-29T22:22:00.000-07:00

Brrr! It went from sunshine and 80 degrees to stormy and lower than 60 pretty darn quick around here! I'm almost tempted to turn on the heat, though I think I'm going to try and make it awhile longer without. The hard thing is that with the units on each side of me empty I'm not getting the insulation type of heat that I normally did from them last fall. I know I was saying just last week that I was ready for fall to be here so I could break out my boots and sweaters and corduroy, but now looking at my wardrobe I need to do a little shopping to have more warm clothes! I think last year at this time I was still a size or so bigger than I am now so I don't have a lot left for the fall/winter season. And then there's the things that I've had *too* long that are starting to look more than a little worn... Here's hoping for a good sale at Old Navy...though I should probably check to see what the Rack has since I've got a $20 Nordy Note that's been sitting around.

*************

And special thanks to sissy for making it so people can actually comment on my bloggy! Now I'll start writing more again since people can now say something about it!

Hibernation...

2009-09-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

OMG, I feel like a sleepy bear! Last night I somehow stayed up until 2:30 in the morning. I woke up at 6:08 wondering what the hell that noise was - turns out the sky was *dumping* rain. I went back to sleep and didn't wake up again until, get this, 4:30. At night. Like I basically slept 14 hours straight, but I still felt tired. Then, after I watched "Psych" on demand I fell asleep on the couch - for an hour and a half!!! Now I feel super-energized and motivated. I know I've been uber stressed at work for the past couple weeks and of course the last week of boy-trouble hasn't helped. I guess having a day where I could actually sleep for as long as I could was just what this lil bear needed! Now, I'm just worried about being able to go to sleep tonight and wake up for work in the morning...

Grrr...

2009-09-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

How come the stupid comments part doesn't work on my bloggy?? This is frustrating!

A few days...

2009-09-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

and still hurt. I haven't seen or heard from him in a week and a half. I'm done for now. I can't try to make a relationship with someone who apparently isn't able to include *me* with the things that are important in his life. Honestly, I think he forgot. I seriously think that he actually forgot that we had plans for Wednesday. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. On the one hand it means that he didn't intentionally stand me up, on the other hand I'd been looking forward to it for a week and that would mean he had never given it a second thought. And if he did forget there is the slight explanation that we made plans on the 2nd - he then went on vacation for 4 days, has a lot going on with his family (mom, ex-wife, daughter, etc.) and a huge project at work that'd been keeping him there for 10 hour days. We didn't see or talk to each other between the time we made the plans and the actual night of the "date"...so I can kinda-sorta-maybe see how a guy with a lot on his mind might forget without a reminder. *However* this is all the more reason for him to get a goddam fucking phone and even if he forgot that night, he should've remembered by now since he hasn't seen me since the 2nd!

I'm giving him absolutely no excuse for not showing up or not calling me on Wednesday, however the rest of what's gone on between us has blame on both sides. He said we needed to start over and take it slower and be friends and I wasn't happy with that and kept pushing for more. Yes, he would randomly show up on my doorstep - but half the time I jumped on him so it wasn't just him showing up to get laid. He was actually even the one who said we should *stop* sleeping together. But being a girl, sex gets me more emotionally involved...I just didn't stop to realize that guys don't really work the same way. I didn't want to stop or slow down either because I was freaked out about the fact that I had slept with him. Here's my dirty little secret - before him, I'd never slept with someone I wasn't in love with. Yes, I'm old fashioned. Yes, I'm a bit naive. But it really messed with my head that I could've slept with someone and then had it turn into nothing so I was desperate to make it something significant as quickly as possible.

I'm not saying he deserves or will get a second chance. I won't know that until I see him next and find out what he thinks happened. He'd have to do a lot to earn my trust again...which brings up another problem. Since I'm such an open book about everything in my life with my friends, they now all pretty much hate him. So, if by some crazy chance we do end up giving it another shot I'm not sure if anyone will really be accepting of it or if they'll all just think I'm lame and he's an asshole.

~pissed~

2009-09-09T23:11:00.000-07:00

I can't believe he stood me up. I mean, yes, it's been a week since I've seen/spoken to him. But we made plans - I was pretty fucking clear. "Next Wednesday you're coming over after work and we're hanging out." No excuse. Even if for some reason he got off work uber-late or had to take care of his mom from the chemo or something...fucking give in and call me and do the decent thing to let me know. Sadly, this doesn't take my feelings completely off the table. I still of course really like him and care about him, I'm just pissed and my feelings are hurt. All I can say is hopefully I'll see him tomorrow so I can tell him what he did and find out wtf happened.

tarot

2009-08-29T22:41:00.001-07:00

so, tonight was the girl's night out mariner's game at safeco field. it was fun, but the only part i'm going to write about is my amazingly telling tarot reading. he asked if there was an area i wanted the reading to focus on and i just "oh just the usual - love and relationships and whatever" He asked if i was currently in a relationship and i think i just said "sort of"...i shuffled the deck, split it, and he went to work. the first card he turned - the lovers. the next card - the three of swords. honestly i can't remember right now the third card he turned. he explained that the first card showed there was definitely a relationship and that the second card was my uncertainty in the relationship. that i'm questioning it. yes, i understand that he could have gotten all of that out of my "sort of" response but the fact that those cards turned up first was pretty spooky. I can't remember the names of the rest of them but here's the run-down of what he said they all meant:

there's a relationship that i'm questioning about whether or not it's worth it for me to stay. that it took me a long time to meet this person. he said that i was just out of a significant relationship in the past year or two (not true - it's been 3-1/2 years) and that the other person in this current relationship just had one end in the last year (i'm pretty sure that's right. i know he's been divorced for about 4 years but from what he's said the last person he dated ended a year or so ago) he said that the things that i'm questioning will be answered soon - that he couldn't tell an exact timeline but no longer than a month and a half. that the other person had a lot of things that they were dealing with and that i needed to be patient. he pulled the death card, which of course doesn't actually mean someone's going to die, it is a card of transformation showing that a big change is coming soon. he also pulled a card showing that this current relationship - if i allow myself to be patient - will be significant lasting at the very least a year but most likely much longer...

there was more things that he said but i'm tired and can't remember right now. i know that it's the same as horoscopes - you can always read into it whatever you want - but it was pretty damn spooky to have all of those cards turn up in the order they did...

Bleh...just writing it out...

2009-08-23T00:24:00.000-07:00

So, it's been just over a month since I met "the boy". It seems like so much longer, and I feel absolutely insane. Here I am falling incredibly hard for a guy that I'm not even with right now. It's been so hard and I feel like it shouldn't be so very difficult at the beginning of something like this. Obviously, what he is going through is much worse than my own stupid insecurities and it's not like either of us could have had any idea that a bomb like this would be dropped so shortly after meeting one another...On the one hand, I can see the look on his face when he talks to me. I feel in my gut that he's being honest when he says that he wants to do this right. That he wants to be in a relationship with me but that because of everything else the timing isn't right. On the other hand, if any girlfriend of mine was telling me all of this I'd say she was crazy to wait around. I feel horrible because I feel like I'm waiting for his mother to die to be able to be together. And then when she's gone he'll probably be too devastated to be in a relationship. It's so complicated and messed up and if I didn't have this crazy gut instinct that this is real that this could be "it" then I wouldn't even be thinking so hard about it all. There's just some weird special connection there. I know I always fall hard and fast and am thinking that any guy I talk to for more than a day could be "the one" but this is different. I didn't even feel this way so quickly about my last ex. The first week and a half was perfect and he even confessed to me too that there's just something extra there between us. He was (and still is) incredibly sweet. Told me the first day he met me that he was going to court me. The next day we saw each other and he said that he had a song stuck in his head and didn't know where it came from because he hadn't heard it in forever. Then he started goofily singing to me "Loooving you is easy cuz you're beautiful na na na na na..." and on and on. Some people might think that's a little weird, but to me it was incredibly sweet and cute and it made me smile. I want that part back. I want the us holding hands and me leaning my head on his shoulder and him coming over to my car to kiss me as soon as I get out at the P&R. I want it to be easy again.

Ahhh...the good ol' days

2009-08-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

So on Thursday we're having a Recognition Meeting at work with a theme.

An 80's theme.

Now, at first I planned to go all "Designing Women" with a denim suit and some awesomely huge gold jewelry that I borrowed from Claudia. But then last night it hit me. This is the one and only time I could get away with being rocker-chick at work. 80's punk rock chick, but still rocker-chick. So, new plan! Now I'm going for more of a Sid & Nancy/Ramones/CBGB kind of look...I picked up a Ramones t-shirt on clearance at Hot Topic, some awesome bondage pants (which I've been wanting a pair anyways...good for shows, etc.) and I can amazingly still fit into my Doc Martens from high school.

So I tried on the whole shebang tonight and looked in the mirror. Perfect. Not sure if everyone at work will get it, I have a feeling most of them will be working the neon/pastel/preppy looks of the 80's but I've got to represent the punk crowd :) Plus this extra bit of uniqueness might help me get the votes. Top prize per division is $200! The only sad thing was that looking in the mirror, I saw me in high school. I miss me in high school. I miss running around in my ripped fishnets, leopard print everything, and vinyl corsets (really, I swear I didn't dress like a whore, just a good little goth/punk girl) and going to a different concert every other week...ahh, the good old days!

Now the only decision that needs to be made - do I ride the bus to work all punked out or do I change when I get there? I'll arrive about 20-30 minutes before the meeting starts and honestly I'd like as few people as possible to see me beforehand so the surprise kinda all comes in one shot of fabulousness...

a work in progress

2009-08-03T23:25:00.000-07:00

So I've been working on this for the past couple months but it's developed a bit more in the past couple weeks. I guess that's what a tumultuous love life does for you - good for the art in the world!

I'm trying to keep my life together,
you said this love would last forever.
But now my world has fallen apart
as you calmly rip out my heart.
Slowly dying in your hands
I wait for this anguish to end,
your eyes ambivalent as you watch me
while crimson tears stream down my cheeks.
Feeling afraid and alone,
but still surrounded by you,
when will my torture be done
what more can you do?
Your eyes staring coldly,
and somehow you still can't see,
all this pain you're causing
my battered soul finally released.

Death has made an angel of me.

a bit of disappointment...a sprinkle of hope

2009-07-31T23:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I did seriously luck out in that my vaguely dumbassed text actually didn't go through since he was having trouble with his phone. But tonight we ended up having a kinda serious talk for only knowing each other 10 days...It was kinda hard to talk about, but I'm glad I broached the subject. I was driving myself crazy trying to interpet his actions during the last two days. I told him that he was confusing because I couldn't tell anymore if he was interested or not and I gave a basic overview of what I had been trying to say in the text. Basically, we decided that things had been moving much too quickly and we needed to back up and start over. Apparently, we're now "friends". There's the bit of disappointment. BUT what gives me the sprinkle of hope is that he said he is definitely interested in me as a future relationship. I completely agree that things went too far too fast. It was actually nice afterwards talking and I found out he loves to cook - makes things from scratch and all that. I told him these are the things I want to know about him. He also told me about some really tough shit that's going on right now which is part of why he doesn't want to be in a "relationship" at this moment. We'll see how long this "friends" aspect lasts before we move forward. I know it'll drive me a little crazy at first, but I need to just keep telling myself that we're taking this path together with the full intention of developing a relationship...

sigh

2009-07-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

Somehow I'm always screwing up the possibilities of a relationship. I shouldn't jump ahead of myself I suppose, in fact that's what I always do that ruins things so maybe I really haven't done anything yet. Ugh. Unfortunately there's no real way to know until tomorrow. The thing is, I actually really like this guy. I mean, it's just barely been over a week and I'm falling head over heels for him and screwing it up at the same time. I don't know how to handle a guy actually being nice to me. Granted, my previous relationships started out nice - otherwise they wouldn't have lasted as long as they did. But, in the end, every guy turned in to an asshole. I've been unknowingly cheated with, cheated on, and abused in every way (physically, emotionally, and yes...technically the other). I went through years of counseling and finally realised that I deserved better and that I can be with someone who wants me for me, not as someone to take care of them or just be there for them to use. But now that I'm dating, or whatever it is we're doing, a guy who actually opens doors, pulls out chairs, thinks I'm beautiful...basically everything that a girl could want...well, I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan. It's making me hold back when all I really should be doing is enjoying this and trusting myself and opening up to trusting him. And then I did it. I pulled the move that will most likely send him running. Last week on our first actual date he asked me what my biggest flaw was (yes, he had interesting questions all night). I told him I was messy. Like, really messy. And I am, but it generally comes and goes in phases. Well, tonight I texted him that I realized that my biggest flaw is not that I'm messy, but that I'm so used to having assholes in my life that when an awesome guy is right in front of me I'm still waiting for something to go wrong. I said that hopefully it didn't weird him out because I like him and that now that I know that's what I was doing I'm going to stop. So there's basically two ways this can turn out. Either he'll realize that I really like him and was just a little gun-shy, or he'll take it the wrong way and decide I must have too much baggage and he won't want to deal with it. I probably shouldn't have even said anything at all. And now I will spend the next 10 hours wondering how much I fucked this up.